The Redemption(41)

“Scared of what?”

“Scared to have a life without Cory and thinking you have to justify it to others. The problem with that is when you start justifying it, it will make you feel like your love for Cory was less. It wasn’t. It’s just different. He’s not here, Rochelle.”

“Stop it. Stop talking about Cory and take me home.”

“Now you want to stop talking about him?” He looks surprised. “I can’t win with you when it comes to him.” He shifts the car into drive.

“This is not a competition, Dex.”

Disappointment slides onto his face. “Then why is he being shoved in my face every time we make a move?”

“This is one of the reasons why we won’t work. We see things very differently.”

“One of the reasons? Name another because from where I sit, we fit like two puzzle pieces clicking together.”

“You’re a supposed recovering addict. You have sex with anyone who offers. You—”

“That’s it. Right there. You play like you know who I am, but you don’t. That’s why the lies are so easily believed. I can tell what you’re doing. You’re giving me an out that I don’t want. You’re allowing yourself to believe the worst about me to ease your conscience, but it won’t—”

“You know what. Not everything is about you and your past. You lost a band mate and friend, but I lost my soulmate!”

My breath chokes in my throat after I say the one thing that would hurt him most. His eyes die inside as he stares at me. As usual, I’m the one who needs to make him feel better about everything. But I can’t this time. I’m too tired to help anyone else right now. “I was the one left in the wake of this tragedy to pick up the pieces for everyone around me, and pretend that everything is all right so they can go about their days not worrying about me.” I shift in my seat, taking a breath, then hit my hands against my thighs as I yell, “Everything is not all right! I am not all right!”

I see the street in front of my house is clear. Thank God! But right when Dex pulls up in front of the locked gate, a car parks right in front of us with a long lens aimed in our direction, so I react by ducking down. “Oh my God! That’s exactly why we can’t do this. They don’t want me. They just want your latest conquest. Well, guess what? That’s one role I don’t want to play. I have to think about two little boys and protect their future.”

“Protect their future from me? Protect them from me? You’re twisting this. I care about those boys. I love them. I would never hurt them!” Throwing the SUV in reverse, he backs up around the corner, then turns, heading in the opposite direction from the paparazzi. “I can protect you from them. You just won’t try. You’re protecting your heart so hard that you’re losing the ability to feel anything except numb.”

Unfortunately, they’re right behind us when I peek up and over the back of the seat. My head hurts, my heart is racing, and my eyes have filled with tears. “This is the stress I can’t have in my life. I can’t have you, Dex. I’m sorry. We can’t happen. It’s not good for me. You’re not good for me. We’re not good for each other.”

He struggles to keep his tone steady, but I hear the shake in it. “Don’t make rash decisions, Rochelle. You just got released from the hospital. You’re tired. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing, but we’re something. We matter.”

I grab either side of my head while shaking it. “Stop saying that. We don’t. I can’t think of only myself and enjoy it while hurting others in the process. It doesn’t work like that.” I look up and add, “Just like now. Just like I’m hurting you. But it’s you or everyone else. That’s how I see it and the only options I have to choose from.”

He makes the block and then pulls up to my driveway and punches in the code. “Are you telling me that you don’t want to date me because it will upset others or because you don’t believe I’ve changed? Because you’ve said both, which makes me think you’re reaching for anything and hoping it sticks.” The gate closes behind him and he parks.

“Don’t belittle my reasons.”

“They’re not reasons. They’re excuses and you know it, but I’m gonna let you go live with those excuses. Just remember these are the choices you made. I was here, wholeheartedly for you.” His breath deepens, a mixture of anger and sadness battling in his eyes. “This fence isn’t tall enough. You should go before they come back.”

I open the door, determined to walk away without damaging him anymore. When I step one foot out, he adds, “Go find this happy-ever-after you’re so desperately searching for that I can’t give you. And maybe one day you’ll see that you’re throwing away that ending before you even realized you had it.”

His words make me panic, worried he’s right. “Dex, it doesn’t—”

“I can’t make you believe in me.” He revs the engine while gripping the steering wheel. Looking away from me, he says, “You either do or you don’t.” He backs up and the gate starts to reopen.

I release a heavy sigh, feeling the anxiety of the paparazzi showing up again and the weight of the pain caused from this conversation. His window is down, so I walk the few feet to him and start to lean in to say, “Pleas—”