The Firework Exploded (The Holidays #3)(9)

“You can order ice from Amazon?” I ask, deciding to finally join in on what’s happening here instead of standing on the sidelines.

“You can order a seventy-five-gallon drum of lube from Amazon. Spoiler alert, happy early wedding present!” Aunt Bobbie announces.

Aaaaaaaand now I’m back to wishing I would have kept my mouth shut.

“Dad is not carving an ice sculpture for the wedding. No ice sculptures! We told you, we just want something small and simple. A little Fourth of July picnic in the backyard with a few people,” Noel reminds her.

“I don’t know, I kind of like the ice sculpture idea. Adds a little class to the backyard wedding,” Scheva tells her, shifting from one foot to the next like she has to pee.

“Don’t put down our backyard wedding,” Noel warns. “It’s going to be small and intimate and sweet.”

“I’m not putting it down. I’m just saying, people will be more agreeable to sitting outside in ninety-degree heat if they have a way to cool off, like standing next to a giant block of ice,” she suggests, still bouncing around on her feet while rubbing her thighs together.

“Scheva, sweetie, do you have to pee?” Bev asks her.

“No, I don’t have to pee. I’m just having a small problem with my nether regions,” she informs us.

Reggie dry heaves and Aunt Bobbie perks up, moving over to Scheva’s side.

“Oh, tell me more! Alex is a strapping young lad, I bet he never watches Mister Ed.”

Noel makes a choking cough sound and Bev pats her on the back.

“Actually, Alex and I broke up and this is exactly why,” she states, pointing to her crotch.

As much as I want to cover my ears and run from the room, I really do want to know what happened between her and Alex so I can help my friend out. Even though I managed to get him showered and out of the apartment earlier, he went right back to curling up in his recliner and making a call to Lenny to bring him more wings as soon as I dropped him back off at his place.

“Ahhhh, so your vagina just wasn’t cutting it, huh? Had one too many poundings and now it flops around in the breeze? Totally understandable,” Aunt Bobbie says with a sympathetic nod.

“Who has the sloppy twat now?!” Noel adds, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at Scheva.

“If you twits don’t stop talking about twats, I’m gonna go get my gun!” Reggie yells.

“Sorry, Mr. Holiday, you might want to plug your ears for this,” Scheva says with a shrug before turning to glare at Aunt Bobbie and Noel. “For your information, I have a yeast infection and it’s all Alex’s fault.”

She pauses to scratch between her legs, letting out a contented sigh while I try not to throw up in my mouth.

“How exactly is that Alex’s fault?” Noel questions.

“He had a sinus infection and a cold last week. He was going downtown and he coughed. Right into my vagina. Obviously he gave my vagina his germs, that’s why I have a yeast infection, and that’s why I can’t be with him anymore.”

No one says a word for a few seconds while Scheva continues to scratch her crotch like a dog with fleas.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how yeast infections work. And I’m pretty sure you broke up with him because he was getting too serious and it freaked you out,” Noel adds, finally saying something I can work with.

“Honey, who are you calling?” Bev suddenly asks as we all turn toward Reggie to see him pull his cell phone out of his pants pocket and start pushing buttons.

“I’m calling the men in white coats to take me away. You all have lost your damn minds and you’ve taken me with you. Sam, if you have half a brain in that head of yours, run. RUN, DAMN YOU, RUN!” Reggie shouts.

Figuring I can come back to the Scheva and Alex problem later, I realize I need to change the subject before Scheva starts rubbing herself on the arm of the couch and Reggie really does get his gun and opens fire.

“Actually, I kind of like the ice sculpture idea,” I quickly tell the room, hoping Noel doesn’t want to kill me. “Some of the ideas the last few months have been a bit much, like hiring a skywriter to fly overhead and spell out our names in smoke, building a hedge maze in the backyard and conducting the ceremony inside of it, or saying our vows in a hot air balloon. But an ice sculpture? I can get on board with that. They’re kind of cool.”

Bev claps her hands excitedly and looks at Noel.

“See? The ice sculpture is brilliant! Your father’s thumb has finally recovered from that silly little accident carving the American Flag into the tree stump for the Fourth last year, so it will be perfect!” Bev explains.

“Silly little accident?” Noel scoffs. “He nicked an artery almost bled out all over the carving.”

Reggie snorts. “It was just a flesh wound. And I didn’t have to go out and buy red paint to color the flag when it was finished. That’s a win all around. If Sam here can pinky-swear he won’t touch your carton of milk before the wedding night, I’ll carve you up something nice and pretty, free of charge. And by free of charge, I mean I won’t cut off his dick while he sleeps.”

I swallow nervously and try not to piss my pants when he gives me a side-eye glare. Ever since Noel brought me home for Christmas to pretend to be her boyfriend and meet her family, Reggie has threatened my manhood and referred to Noel’s vagina as every kind of milk product he can think of. Something to do with buying the cow when you can get the milk for free. I usually ignore him, but ever since we got engaged, he’s gotten more hardcore with his intimidations. It almost makes me want to tell him about the problem I’ve been having so he knows that isn’t an issue. But then I’d have to also reassure him that regardless of my problem, his daughter has been completely satisfied every time, and I’d like my dick to remain in my pants and attached to my body, thank you very much.