The Firework Exploded (The Holidays #3)(5)

Alex turns back to face the mirror, messing with his hair and buttoning up the vest under his tux jacket.

“Clearly Noel isn’t the problem. There isn’t one second in my day I don’t spend thinking about having sex with your future bride. You’re probably jerking off too much. Your balls are so empty I bet you can hear them gasping for breath every time you take your pants off,” he tells me.

“I’m not jerking off too much,” I complain with a roll of my eyes. “I’m pretty sure I know what the problem is, we just always seem to start fighting before I can talk to her about it.”

“I once jerked off so much in one week that I got calluses. That was a great week. Want to see a picture?” he asks, grabbing his phone from the chair next to the mirror.

“Fuck no, I don’t want to see a picture of your blistered dick!” I reply back in horror, averting my eyes when he walks toward me holding the screen of his phone out in front of him.

“Stop being such a *! It’s a picture of the blisters on my hand, you sick f*cker!”

“Um, excuse me, is everything okay here? How does the tux fit?” Katie, the seamstress of the shop asks, suddenly appearing next to us with a concerned look on her face.

“We’re fine, everything’s fine and no I’m not showing him a dick pic,” Alex informs her, turning his head to look her up and down before giving her a smile. “How about you? How do you feel about dick pics? I’m not saying I have a couple hundred on my phone right now, but if I did, how would you feel about them?”

With a groan, I stand up and snatch the phone out of his hand, shoving it in my back pocket.

“Sorry, his girlfriend just dumped him and he’s gone a little insane,” I explain to the poor woman who looks like she’s about ready to kick both of us out of here.

“Yeah? Well at least my balls aren’t suffocating from overuse and I can shoot my load in, on, and around anything I want at any time, thank you very much!” he argues back, looking away from me to smile at Katie again.

“Hey, you’re a woman,” he muses, tapping his finger against his chin.

“Thanks for noticing,” she deadpans.

“I mean, you’re a woman, so maybe you can help my friend out with his problem,” he explains.

“What the hell are you doing? I’m not having sex with some stranger a month before I get married. And it’s not a problem, it’s just a minor setback,” I whisper in irritation.

“Get your head out of the gutter, Sir Never-Cums-A-Lot. I’m just asking her opinion. So tell me, Katie, let’s say you’ve been dating a guy for a few months, you’re madly in love and all of a sudden, he loses the ability to close the deal during sex. Not for you, just for him. What’s your take on that?” Alex asks her while I stand here wishing he would have choked on a chicken bone.

Katie shrugs, probably realizing it’s easier to humor him than run away screaming and call the cops. “I’d probably assume he’s cheating on me. Or that I don’t turn him on anymore.”

I groan and Alex holds his hand up, waiting for her to give him a high five. She stares at his hand for a few seconds before turning and walking away, disappearing in the back room, probably to call everyone she knows and tell them she’s decided to become a lesbian.

“You’re welcome,” Alex tells me, brushing imaginary lint off of his shoulders.

“I don’t remember thanking you for being an *. Now I have to worry about Katie taking out her anger at your stupidity by ordering a bunch of powder blue leisure suits instead of the black tuxes with red vests and ties like Noel wants,” I inform him.

“You can thank me for polling the audience and getting a unanimous response about your dick dysfunction. You can’t spit the spooge because you’re too busy thinking about Noel thinking about not being hot enough to help you cross the finish line,” he explains. “So, stop thinking about Noel thinking about those things. Problem solved.”

With a shake of my head, I turn and walk away from him to send Noel a text to let her know we’re almost finished and I’ll meet her at her parent’s house for dinner within the hour. Her mother wants to go over the guest list, and even though I refuse to admit that anything Alex said is right, maybe I just need to stop worrying so much. Noel already knows she’s not the problem, I’ve told her a hundred times. I’m sure she’s not freaking out about this as much as I am, anyway.





Chapter 3




Mister Ed

Noel


“Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, I’m totally freaking out right now!” I screech hysterically to Scheva as she closes my parents front door behind her.

“Will you calm the f*ck down? It’s not that big of a deal,” she complains with a roll of her eyes as I thrust the prescription bottle in her face.

“Not a big deal? NOT A BIG DEAL? This is definitely a big deal! Did you not read what it says on this bottle?”

She grabs it from my hands, yanks my purse off of my shoulder, and shoves the pills inside.

“Yes, I read what it says, and I also listened to you read it eight hundred times on the way over. It’s blood pressure medication, Noel. Aren’t you happy that you finally have a valid reason for his problem after all these weeks? Side effects may include a change in blood sugar, loss of appetite, headache, nausea, vomiting, leg discomfort, and problems with sexual performance,” she reminds me, rattling off the side effects listed on the bottle like a voice-over on a commercial. “There you go, problem solved.”