The Firework Exploded (The Holidays #3)(31)

“Shhhhhh! We don’t talk about the problem with the sprinklers, Jamie,” Scheva tells her in a loud whisper. “Everyone is very sensitive about Noel not being able to use the slip-and-slide. Ix-nay on the Mister Ed-day. Ha ha, Mister Ed Day, that’s funny. It’s like a national holiday where no one can water their garden. But now I’ll never get my cumquats. CUMQUATS.”

Sam looks away from Scheva and raises his eyebrow at me.

“So, I guess Scheva told Jamie about Mister Ed. Sorry about that. Also, it’s probably pretty obvious that everyone in this room is high right now,” I inform him. “Except for me.”

“And me!” Aunt Bobbie shouts with a raise of her hand.

“You put your arm down and stop smiling, or I’ll make you wear a pink taffeta dress with poufy sleeves and giant bow on your ass next week!” I threaten her.

She gasps, pressing her hands over her heart. “You wouldn’t!”

“I’M DYING! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!” my mother screams again.

My father walks into the room with a Bic lighter in one hand and a fistful of bottle rockets in the other. He takes a minute to survey the room before shaking his head, turning around, and walking right back out.

“If anyone needs me, I’ll be upstairs with the explosives. If you hear me swear really loudly, grab Snoop Dog over there behind the curtains and make a run for it,” he shouts back to us over his shoulder.

“Snoopy’s here? Where’s Snoopy? And Woodstock, and Charlie Brown and that little snot-nosed twit, Lucy?” my mother asks, perking up and crawling across the carpet on all fours to look under the couch for cartoons.

Really, it’s probably for the best that Sam and I are waiting until the wedding night to have sex. Regardless of whether or not everything is in working order, if we even attempted it right now with the non-stop crazy going on, we’d still probably both wind up in tears.





Chapter 13




Dial That Phone, Bitch!

Sam




My hands are sweating and shaking as I scroll through the text messages Noel has sent me the last three nights we’ve been apart. Instead of the typical one night apart for the bride and groom before the wedding, Reggie decided we needed four, “To pay for your sins and appease the dairy gods. And by dairy gods, I mean me. I will send you straight to hell without a dick if you so much as sniff my daughter’s Snack Pack before the wedding.”

Noel has been staying at her parents’ house and I’ve been staying in our house, alone. She’s been torturing me by texting photos of herself trying on the shit ton of lingerie her boss at Seduction and Snacks gave her as an early wedding present, and I’ve tried my hardest not to jerk-off to each photo she’s sent. I almost lost the battle last night when she messaged me a picture of herself in the full-length mirror behind the bedroom door, completely naked, asking if I liked that “outfit” the best. I was like one of those men in olden days who bit down on a leather strap to muffle their screams when they needed a medical procedure before the invention of anesthesia. I shoved my pillow in my mouth and screamed at the top of my lungs, the pain from not grabbing my junk and cranking one out so acute that I feared my dick would shoot out of my pants like a firework, crash through the window and explode in the night sky.

“How’s it hanging, *s?” Nicholas, Noel’s brother, asks as he walks into the kitchen and grabs a beer from the fridge.

“Sam here is two seconds away from whipping his dick out onto the kitchen table and jerking one out to pictures of Noel,” Alex informs him.

“Eeeew, too much information,” Nicholas groans, twisting the top off the bottle and chugging half of it to erase the image from his mind that Alex just gave him.

“What? You don’t think Noel is hot? I kind of enjoyed the sexy little blue number she had on in photo number seven.”

Nicholas and I both stare at him in disgust and irritation until Alex finally looks up from his own phone and shrugs.

“You left your phone unlocked when you went to take a piss. I forwarded a few of the good ones to my phone for safe keeping.”

“First, Noel is my sister, dick cheese. Second, you’re an *. Also, SHE’S MY SISTER!” Nicholas shouts, saying everything I couldn’t voice because now I’m thinking about Noel in the blue lace bra with red stars covering her nipples, with a matching blue lace thong and another red star covering my favorite place in all the world.

“Ahhhh, I can see where that would be confusing,” Alex nods. “Well, it was a great photo. Excellent light composition and I particularly liked how she tilted the phone a little to give it a skewed angle.”

Once again, we both stare at Alex in silent annoyance until he laughs.

“Just kidding! Her tits looked amazing, that’s what made it a great photo.”

Nicholas steps over to the table and punches Alex in the arm, and I quickly lock my phone and shove it into my front pocket, reminding myself that tomorrow is the big day. I only have one more night without sleeping next to Noel before we’re married and we can finally have sex again.

“Don’t be jealous because I got to see your sister half-naked and Sam made me the best man,” Alex growls, rubbing the spot on his arm where Nicholas hit him.

“Again, SHE’S MY SISTER! And why would I be jealous when I get to perform the ceremony, f*ck nose?”