The Do-Over(42)

“Okay, so I went back to L.A.”

“We never said goodbye.” It was out of my mouth, not meaning to interrupt him, but I could feel the desperation in my gut that I had that morning. I had missed the chance.

“I know,” he whispered.

“I looked for you. You were down the gangplank, entering the terminal. I called out, but it was so loud. And then you disappeared and by the time I made it into the terminal, you were gone.”

“You did?”

I nodded and he reached forward, squeezing my hand, the revelation of a moment he’d missed over a decade before sinking in, aided into his blood stream by our rum redux. There was a warmth in his eyes when he looked at me.

“That makes me feel really good.” Taking a deep breath, he continued. “So, I went back and at first things felt okay. I was happy to be home, probably just happy to be away from Stacy, who you know was miserable that trip. But my contentment didn’t last very long and I was feeling like a fish out of water, in a pond I no longer was sure I wanted to be in. I felt like I was trying to fit in and it was work, as opposed to just being and everyone getting you and still liking you.”

“Well, there’s a lot to be said for shared history with people,” I interjected.

“Yeah, but it’s more than that. Shared sensibilities. Shared goals. Shared ethos.”

Smiling, “Okay, so I get that. But how did I ruin things?”

Wes’ melodious laugh was hearty as he gave me a Really, Tara look. “That freaking night, Tara. How do you have a night like that and then sit amongst people who seriously don’t get you?” Pausing, he took a sip. “Especially one you are sleeping with and really doesn’t understand the fundamentals of what makes you tick. So, that night became this comparison point for me and although that probably was not fair to my girlfriend, it really shone a light on things that were missing.” Wes took another sip of the drink. “I remember thinking all that glitters might not be gold and this kind of false California reality began to look decayed in the bright sunshine.”

I remained silent because I could see his mind going a mile a minute as memories were plowing in fast and I wanted to hear every word he had to say, experience every thought, all the feelings I’d wondered about for so very long as I questioned for years, in the back of my mind, was that real?

“There were a group of us out to dinner one night. Some vegetarian place, of course,” he laughed. “It was fall and I just wanted it to feel like fall. I wanted to put on a sweater, sleep with the windows open and no one even understood that. So, that night when we got home, I said to Alicia, my girlfriend, I’m booking us two tickets for a long weekend back east, we’ll try and hit peak foliage, check out some apple orchards, get cider.”

I know my smile was huge just listening to him as he described the wonderfully simple things nature brought to us that were a timeless gift. Those perfect few weeks of Indian Summer when the northeast was a magical tapestry of color, smells and crunches of bright leaves underfoot.

“What happened?”

“There was not a damn f*cking thing she liked about fall in the northeast.”

“What? How is that possible?” I truly was shocked. Just listening to Wes, all my senses were filled with the splendor of autumn. Apple cider. I could taste iced cold apple cider in my mind.

“Right? How is that possible. She literally counted down the hours till we got back to Los Angeles.”

“Wow.” I was speechless, so I continued to drink as if the rum whatever was going to give me some insightful answer to impart.

“I couldn’t figure it out, so being a glutton for punishment, I said, okay let’s try a Christmas trip to New York. Rockefeller Center, store windows, the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall. Quintessential Christmas in New York.”

“And?”

“It was like I was torturing the poor girl.”

“I don’t understand.” I just shook my head and reached for a chunk of cheddar cheese. “I mean, it might not be what she grew up with, but people come from all over the world. The energy is magical here from the fall through the holidays. The weather is generally beautiful and everything is so festive. I can’t think of a more feel good time or place to spend that time of year.”

“It was hard to go back to L.A. after that and feel good about things. I tried for a long time to convince myself that the lifestyle made me happy, but I really felt alone.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And Tara, you popped into my head often because I knew, because you showed me, that there are people who are naturally on the same wavelength you are on. You don’t have to try. It’s natural and organic and it is there. And I remember being angry at my own circumstance. That when I met you, I wasn’t free to explore a relationship with you. And I hated that our timing was off. I hated that we just walked out of one another’s lives. Although our time together had been short, I felt like I’d lost a best friend. Now, had it been today, I would have Facebooked you or something when I moved back. But it wasn’t. And a year had gone by. But I knew as soon as I was back, that it was right. This was where I belonged and if I could have a relationship with someone who got me the way you got me, that I could be happy.”

“And you did.” I was thinking about his wife.