The After of Us (Judge Me Not #4)(9)

“Not strangers,” I say, miffed. “I have lots of friends, Will.”

“Druggies, I’m sure. Like you.”

Will is seething now. Fine, I need him mad. I need him to keep Lily. Maybe someday I’ll get clean and want her back, but I can’t see that happening anytime soon. Truth is I’m just not mom material, nor do I really care to be.

Okay, all I want now is to get the hell out of here. I’m antsy, and I need another hit of something, anything. That stupid pill I took is doing nothing.

Tapping my foot anxiously, I ask, “So, you’ll keep her, yeah?”

Will’s expression is grim, resigned. “I’m not staying in Vegas,” he says. “My job’s on the East Coast.”

“I know,” I say. And I do. The farther Lily is from me, the better off she’ll be.

I’ve backed Will into a corner, so, again, I press, “It’s decided, then, right? Lily can stay with you?”

“For now, yeah, okay.”

Ha, this is more permanent than he thinks.

I give Niko a thumbs-up, and he hops out of the cab with Lily’s small pink suitcase in tow. It matches her backpack, and that makes me smile. But when Niko walks over and hands the damn thing to me, I feel nothing but sadness.

Before my own conscience can stop me, I turn the suitcase over to Will. Meanwhile, Niko jogs back over to the cab, having never acknowledged anyone but me.

“Nice guy,” Will snaps, his tone icy and dripping with sarcasm as he sets the suitcase down on the sidewalk.

“He’s a good dude,” I counter.

I don’t add that my opinion is colored by the fact Niko shares his drugs with me. Doesn’t matter what I say, or don’t say, Will sees the truth in my eyes. “I’m sure he’s just a peach,” he mutters dryly.

I ignore Will and crouch down to Lily’s height. “Give Mommy a kiss good-bye.”

My little girl touches her soft lips to mine. “Love you, Mommy.”

“I’ll miss you so much, baby.”

I fight back tears. Why is this hard? This shouldn’t be hard, dammit.

Lily pulls away and eyes me curiously. She’s always been a perceptive child, and now is no exception. “You come back for me soon?” she asks warily.

There’s no point in lying. “I don’t think so, Lily. You’re going to be staying with Will now.”

“Like I used to stay with Nana?”

I nod. “Yes, exactly like that. Will’s your daddy, like I told you on the way over. Remember how I also mentioned how sad it’s been that you two have never had a chance to get to know each other?”

“Mommy, I’d rather stay with you.”

I speak right over my daughter’s distressed words. “You living with Will, Lily,”—I try to smile, but can’t—“this is your chance and his to, like, bond or whatever.”

I can’t look at Will, but I feel his fury—fury directed at me—for discarding my daughter in this way. Well, she’s his daughter too, and it’s his turn to take care of her.

Lily nods, acquiescing at last, but I see her swallowing hard. “Okay, Mommy,” she whispers.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, baby girl,” I assure her.

“I know, Mommy.”

Her affect is flat, the emotion drained from her voice. Lily is shutting down on me. And she should. I suck at this mom thing.

I stand up and tell Will, “Hey, look, I gotta go.”

And then, before he can reply, I’m running across the street, as fast as I can, away from a boy I used to love, away from the daughter I’m abandoning.

Will is yelling now, saying things like, he needs my number. And other shit too: what if there’s an emergency or he needs to contact me. No way.

Niko welcomes me back in the cab, and I blurt out in a rush, “Go, go, go.”

He hits the gas and hands me a meth pipe. I reach for a lighter. The whole time I look forward. Not once do I look back.





Will



I watch as the cab takes off with Cassie. Fuck. I am so f*cked. How can I be a dad? This can’t be happening. This must be what that bad feeling, the one I had all yesterday and today, was trying to tell me. My world really is falling apart.

Shit.

Not only am I stuck with a little girl whom I have no idea how to take care of, but I also have no way to contact Cassie. What if there’s an emergency? Or, what if I have a question about Lily’s care? What if it all gets to be too much and I need to send her back?

To a druggie mom? My conscience tsks at me.

“Yeah, maybe not,” I mutter.

Still, I am so f*cked.

“Where we go now?” Lily asks, breaking me from my reverie.

She’s peering up at me with those familiar green eyes, and my heart melts a little. She really is a little doll.

Crouching down to her level, I ask her, “Do you know where you and your mommy live?”

I have no plans to take Lily back, but it’d be nice to know where I can find Cassie, just in case.

Lily points in the direction the cab took off. “That way?”

It’s a question, not an answer. The little thing has no clue. And how could she? She’s only five.

I pat her tiny shoulder. Jeez, she’s small. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out later.”