The After of Us (Judge Me Not #4)(8)

That’s why I have to do this. I’ve thought about it before, but this is my chance. The only opportunity I may ever have to do what’s best for my little girl.

“You have to take her, Will.” It’s not a request, it’s a heartfelt plea. “She’ll have a better life with you.”

“What?”

Poor guy looks stunned. My own heart is breaking, but I’m too numb to let it bother me very much. “I’m sorry,” I say.

“Sorry? Cass, are you crazy?” Will looks from me to Lily, then back to me. “Tell me this is a joke. Something Nash put you up to. It’s a going-away prank, right?”

Will knows it’s not a joke, but just to be sure he’s clear, I state, “It’s not a prank. Lily is yours, Will. Just look at her.”

He does, and I know he sees himself in her eyes. I see the same thing every day, or at least during the days I’m around Lily. Our daughter has Will’s eyes, for sure, the same shade of green as his mother’s. And there’s more. Back when we were dating, Will once showed me pictures that were taken when he was little. The super-blonde hair Lily has is the same exact color Will once sported.

Yeah, there’s no denying that my daughter—our daughter—is the spitting image of a five-year-old Will.

Angry that he can no longer deny it, Will spits out, “You never thought to tell me before today?”

“I wanted to, but my mom stopped me. You remember how it was. She made us cut all ties.”

“How old is Lily?” he asks, his voice shaky and his eyes glued to his child. “Five?”

I know he’s calculating, making sure she’s his. “Yes, she’s five.”

“When’s her birthday?”

“March twentieth.”

He swallows hard. “So, it happened when we used to meet, after we broke up?”

There’s resignation in his voice, acceptance of what I’m telling him. He knows we weren’t careful at the end.

“Yeah,” I confirm. “It happened then.”

Softly, he sighs. “Okay, but… I can’t take her, Cassie. I won’t take her. You’re her mom, she should stay with you.”

“No, Will. No.” I am adamant. I’m not budging, not on this. My daughter deserves better than what I give her.

“Cassie,” he begins.

There’s reluctance in his tone, and I wave my hands around, frustrated. “You have to take her, Will. The way I live…” I trail off, sigh, begin again. “Okay, I admit that I probably do too many drugs. And I know it’s not good for a little girl to be around that kind of shit.”

It’s so hard to say it out loud, but the truth is I know my drug use is out of control, despite denying it to Will mere minutes ago.

“Besides,” I continue, pointing to his mom’s ostentatious house, half-hidden behind the partially closed gate. “Your family has lots of money. Plus, Nash mentioned in one of his posts that you landed a big-time job. I have nothing to offer Lily, Will. You, though… You have everything. She should be with you.”

“I stay with Daddy now?” Lily asks in a barely audible voice.

Her little kid tone is so matter-of-fact that I cringe with disappointment, in myself. I’m such a bad mother. My daughter is so used to being shuffled around that it’s barely registering with her that we’ll be apart, yet again.

Truth is I hardly know my daughter. I’ve spent so little time with her. My mom had Lily for a long time, throughout all my failed stints in rehab, and all the times I just felt overwhelmed and bolted. But my mother finally got fed up with me. She was planning to fight me for custody, and that’s why I took off for good…with Lily. It’s also how I landed back in Vegas. But, like I said, I’m not around Lily as much as I should be. I have to work, you know. And after my shift is done at the club, I need to let off some steam. Lily can’t come with me to the parties I like to go to.

“Lily is used to staying with other people,” I tell Will. “She’ll be a good girl for you.” I stare down at my daughter. “Won’t you, Lil?”

She nods. “I be good.”

Before Will can respond and put a stop to me leaving Lily with him, I say, “Lily loves to color and draw.” I tap the pink backpack strapped to her back. “Her coloring books and crayons are in here. Sit her down with those things and she’ll be content for hours.”

Lily peers up at me, hanging on my every word. She’s a smart kid, and somewhere inside she probably senses I’m leaving her for good. Will is all she has now.

I have to look away. I need another hit of something so I don’t feel so damn guilty.

While I stare over at the cab, where I know my cabbie friend, Niko, has more drugs, I hear Lily say to Will, “I’ll behave, I promise. I stay with Mommy’s friends a lot, and I’m always a good girl.”

There’s desperation in Lily’s voice. She’s caught on that this is it. It’s her dad or probably foster care. Child services have been sniffing around lately, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed by Lily.

Will snorts, disgusted with me. He shoots me a look like he’d like to strangle me. Good, maybe now it’ll register with him how f*cked up I am and he’ll take his kid.

“You leave Lily with strangers?” he asks tightly.