The After of Us (Judge Me Not #4)(30)

It’s true. A bitch wouldn’t be this concerned for Lily, or for me.

Emma releases a breath, and softly, again so Lily can’t hear, she says to me, “I think you have the potential to be a great dad. And it’s clear you love Lily already—”

“I do.”

“—but I think you need to get your priorities straight.”

“Wow, don’t hold anything back.”

She ignores my sarcasm. “I’m almost done, Will. But one more thing…”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“Please, before you leave, look inside your heart.”

“Who says I haven’t?”

“That’s just it.” Her tone is pained, almost pleading. “I think you have, a lot. And I think you’re torn on this job in New York,”—wow, she nailed it—“I also have a feeling it’s not just because Lily has come into your life.”

“Go on,” I urge when it looks like she might clam up.

“Search in here, Will.” She taps my chest, and it takes all my strength not to snatch up her hand and pull her to me. I’ve never wanted to kiss someone as much as I want to kiss her right now, this girl who sees into my soul. “Ask yourself what you want out of life. You’re at a crossroads. Search, though, and you’ll know what’s right for Lily…and what’s right for you, Will.”

If only it were that simple.



The next morning, I awake with a start. It’s nearly dawn and the rising sun is trickling through the window in dappled rays of filmy gold.

I haven’t slept well at all. Emma’s words have been haunting me, f*cking with me ever since we parted last night.

After our discussion, I didn’t have much of a chance to search my heart. What I really wanted to do was talk more with Emma, about lots of things. That girl challenges me, but she also sort of soothes me. In a weird way, she gives me focus.

But further conversation was not to be. Lily was hungry, and when we left the school Emma and I took her out for her favorite food—pizza. At the restaurant, we mainly listened to Lily chatter on and on about how fun it was to paint the squirrel on the wall.

“I made it look just like Daddy’s,” she said, filling me with pride.

“Yes, you did, Lily,” Emma agreed.

And then Lily turned to me and asked, “Can we paint a squirrel like that on Uncle Chase’s wall when we get home?”

“Umm…” I suppressed a laugh as I sat there imagining Chase’s face if he were to come home and find a squirrel painted on his living room wall. Gently, I broke the bad news to Lil. “That’s probably not a good idea, doll.”

Lily took the letdown well, and the rest of the evening was great. I feel like I really got to know Emma a lot better, especially when Lily slipped out of the booth to go play the claw machine.

I gave her a pile of quarters, and though the game was only a few feet away, well within my sightline, I still felt compelled to say, “Don’t wander off, Lily. You stay right in front of that machine where I can see you, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy,” she said with a huff as she walked away.

One minute later, Lily was pushing buttons, trying in vain to maneuver the crane behind the glass so the claw could hopefully pick up a stuffed animal.

“So, alone at last.” I reached over and placed my hand over Emma’s, and we fell into a discussion about our college days. Emma told me how she chose to major in elementary education since she loves kids so much.

When she let it slip that she hoped to have a family of her own someday, she made a face and was quick to add, “Not anytime soon or anything.”

I knew she was concerned I’d read more into her comment, but I didn’t, not at all.

“Yeah,” I replied, sighing. “It’d be cool to have another little Lil someday. But, like, definitely way, way, way”—I made a huge flourish with my hand—“in the future.”

Emma started to say something, but faltered. Instead of saying anything more, she stared down at her half-eaten slice of pizza.

“What is it?” I asked.

She glanced up at me, biting her lip. “Are you mad at Cassie for keeping Lily from you when she was a baby?”

I thought about it, then replied, “If you’d asked me that same question last week even, I would’ve said thank God she didn’t tell me. But now…” I rubbed a hand down my face. “Ugh. Yeah, now I wish I’d known. I feel like I probably missed so much.”

“Oh, Will.” Emma met my gaze, her eyes so blue and so full of empathy.

I wanted to say more, much more, and I think she did too, but just then Lily skipped back over to the table and the moment was lost.

The night ended, and we parted ways. I knew I still had a lot to think about. I mean, I still needed to “search my heart,” as Emma had suggested. But, by the time I finally got Lily to bed, I was too exhausted to think about anything. My head hit the pillow, and I was out.

Until the restlessness kicked in, restlessness that lasted throughout the night. And into this morning.

Flipping over to my stomach, I search now, asking myself: What is best for Lily…and for me?

Well, if I stay in Harmony Creek I can kiss the job in New York good-bye. Since Lily got cheated in the mom department, she deserves a successful dad, right? But does a little girl really care about material success? Something tells me Lily would rather have a dad who’s present in her life than some guy who only has ten minutes here and there to spare. When I start that job in New York, that’s about all the time I’ll have for my daughter.