The Absence of Olivia(64)

A small groan left me as his hands gripped me just a little tighter and tilted my head to get more of me. He wanted more, so I gave it to him. I tried to give him every part of me in that kiss I’d been trying to keep from him for years. Every pass of my tongue was one I’d been hoping for. Every tug at his shirt I was trying to get him as close to me as I’d always wanted. I inhaled his scent. I took note of the way he tasted, trying to ingrain it in my brain. I let my hand wander through his blond hair, realizing it, indeed, did feel as soft as it looked. The sounds he made as he kissed me were a lullaby I’d play that night as I tried to fall asleep, hushed groans and strangled moans, not wanting to wake the children.

It was the kiss to end all kisses.

When he pulled away I wasn’t quite ready, but I might not have ever been. For him to kiss me was like coming out of a dark room to a world lit with prisms. Then again, there was a time when I was sure I’d never want a kiss from Devon to end. Kissing him wasn’t the end though. No, this felt more like a beginning. He’d taken off my blindfold, let me out of my darkened room, and given me the colorful light I’d need to make the next step in my life. No, it wasn’t an ending. However, his next words had the power to end me entirely.

He pulled his face away, only far enough to press his forehead flush against mine, and whispered, “I’m leaving, Evie.”

My heart halted, stuck halfway between beats, unsure of its next move and all my blood froze in my veins.

“Leaving?” I whispered, my mouth so close to his I could nearly feel the magnetic pull between us bringing me closer.

Then, in that instant, the spell was broken.

He let go of me, took his hands off my skin, moved to the other side of the couch, and left a wide, gaping, crevasse between us.

“What do you mean you’re leaving? You mean on a business trip?” I asked hopefully. I’d come over with every intention of telling him we’d never be together, but not in a million years did I expect that kiss and then those words. It was like a one-two punch. He faked left, and then jabbed right. Direct hit. Total knock out.

He ran his hands through his hair with frustration, and then heaved out a big breath. “No, not on a business trip. I put in my letter of resignation today. I’m quitting my job, selling the house, and moving to Florida to be near my parents so they can help with the kids. That was the rearranging I did while you were away.”

“You’re leaving?” I whispered, still unable to completely process his words. I’d heard him, understood him even, but refused to think about the fact that he was leaving with Ruby and Jax.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. He dropped his head into his hands and I could tell he was just as emotionally wrecked as I was, and that tore me up. I didn’t want him to hurt. In fact, I wanted the hurting to end. I wanted him and me both to be happy again. He had a bumpy road in front of him, but I knew he could find happiness. I also knew, me being there every day, reminding him of Olivia, of her absence, was like pouring salt in his wounds. And I loved him enough to let him go.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m glad you’re going to be near your parents. That will be good for Jax and Ruby. I’m just really going to miss them.” Even though my throat felt as if someone was making a slice right through it, I kept the cries in. I was not going to make him feel worse by crying in front of him about missing his children. No. I would cry in my bed for weeks, alone, about that.

“It was unfair of me to lean on you all this time. I apologize for that, Evie. I really do. But pretending like she isn’t here isn’t helping any of us. And, when you disappeared, it forced me to think about our lives realistically. I need help. Help you aren’t obligated to give me. I never want to feel like an obligation to you.”

“You don’t. You couldn’t. Ever. I love them.”

“I hope you’ll come see us. After some time though. After the kids have settled. I want you to be a part of their lives, a big part. I just want it to be healthy for everyone.”

“I’d really like that,” I said, damning the lone tear that slipped away down my cheek.

A silence fell between us as we looked at each other.

I didn’t know myself without Devon. My entire adult person had been built around him, Olivia, and the weirdly beautiful, although ultimately destructive, relationship we’d all had. And, decidedly, that was the problem.

“I could never wish I’d never met her,” he finally said, quietly, almost as if he wasn’t talking to me, but more to himself. “I’ve thought about what would have happened if we’d done things differently. If I’d asked for your number, or broken up with her when I found you again. We all could have taken so many paths, even ones that didn’t end with Olivia’s death. But even with that alternative, I can’t imagine ever going back and doing anything differently, Evie. The path we all went down brought us Ruby and Jax. So, as bad as I feel about what happened between us, and that we all had to watch Olivia suffer and die so tragically young, I can’t, not even for one second, wish it were any different.”

“I know.” I swallowed over a large lump, not wanting to think about a world without those two beautiful children. “I agree. And I know Olivia would too.”

Then, as if on cue, we both turned our heads as we heard Ruby’s voice drift down the stairwell.