The Absence of Olivia(62)
“No, I think we’re good.”
“Okay, we’ll be back soon.” He leaned over to kiss Liv and I had to look away. I usually did. I could tolerate a lot, but I tried to spare myself as much pain as possible. I heard him move across the room toward me and my eyes snapped up to find him, sure enough, walking my way.
His eyes locked on mine and something in them changed. They softened a little. And if I wasn’t mistaken, they got a little sad, too. He stopped when he was right next to my chair and then he dipped low and placed a soft kiss on top of baby Jax’s head. When he stood up, his eyes found mine again, and something passed between us. The only way I could describe it was a wave of regret. Almost as if he’d seen me holding his darling baby boy, but had the same realization as me: that this could never, really, be us. It had never occurred to me that seeing me with his children would affect him the same way as it did me. It never occurred to me he could feel that way about me.
Suddenly, my ovaries were aching. Throbbing, actually. Every part of me was in pain, screaming out for an ending I’d never have. And I found myself, for the millionth time in the last five years, telling myself it was okay. That I was okay. That I could deal with my life, if this was it. It was enough.
“Evie,” Liv’s gentle voice broke through my mental breakdown. My eyes snapped up to hers and she looked concerned. “Listen, I know that for a while I was pretty messed up. I went through a rough patch, and Ruby came along before I thought I was ready, but I’m telling you – don’t give up hope. If I can be this happy, so can you. In fact, I owe you my happiness. Well, you and Devon. You guys never gave up on me, even when I was less than a good person.”
“Liv, we all have our bad days.”
“Or bad years,” she said sadly, which made me even sadder.
“Liv, what’s important is who you are now and who I always knew you were. You’re happy, and kind, and a good wife, and a great mother,” I said, looking down at her beautiful baby in my arms.
“You can be all that too, Evie.” Her voice was so soft and so maternal. Soothing even.
“I’m happy,” I said in my own defense, even if it wasn’t with much feeling.
“You’re content with the status quo, Evie. I just want you to find the happiness I have.”
I finally raised my eyes to meet hers. I knew she’d never let it go if I didn’t look her right in the eye and lie to her face.
“I’m happy, Liv. I promise.” The words stung just saying them. It made me wonder if she could tell I was lying. “If, someday down the line, I find the man I’m supposed to marry and start a family with, then I will. But I’ve got too much going on to worry about it. I like to leave it up to fate. If he’s out there, he’ll find me.”
“Not if you’re hiding.”
I scoffed. “I’m not hiding, Liv. I’m working. There’s a difference. I don’t have a regular nine-to-five job. I have to hustle to make ends meet. If that means weekends and late nights, then so be it.”
“Okay, I know, but promise me you’re not shutting yourself off to new people or new experiences?”
“I promise.”
“You know I love you, right?” Liv asked. And even though it wasn’t a crazy question, it caught me off guard anyway. She’d never seemed so intent.
“Yeah, Liv, I know you love me. I love you too.” And I did. God, I did. She was my best friend, and the only way I was ever going to have a niece and nephew. She was my family. And it really sucked that I was in love with her husband.
Suddenly, the tiny baby in my arms started wiggling, moving his head from side to side, mouth open, and face looking angry.
“Uh oh,” I said nervously, “I think he’s looking for the boob.”
Liv rolled her eyes, “Men.”
I laughed and then slowly got out of the chair and handed her the baby who had started vocally announcing that he was, indeed, hungry.
I watched with wonder as Liv fed her son, marveling at the beauty of it, longing for that connection with a child of my own.
“I have this feeling, deep down in my soul, that everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed to,” Liv said, looking at me with a smile so genuine and heart-warming, I could do nothing else besides return it.
“I hope so.”
Chapter Nineteen
Present Day
The next evening, after I knew the kids would be in bed, I drove to Devon’s house. It took me all day to work up the nerve, and I wasn’t even completely sure what I was going to say to him when I got there, but my conversation with Nate had struck a chord.
I stood on the front porch and sent him a text message, not wanting to wake the kids by knocking or ringing the doorbell.
**I’m on your front porch. Can we talk?**
It took a few minutes, but eventually I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and then the door opened.
Devon looked just as incredible as he always had. His blond hair was still pushed back, pink lips fuller than most women’s but still irresistible, but his eyes were missing the spark he’d had for most of the years I’d known him. He’d lost it by the time Liv passed, but I hoped the dimness behind them was also attributed to my absence as well. I didn’t want him to hurt, but I wasn’t too proud to admit that I wanted him to miss me. It wouldn’t change anything, but it would have been the first time I would have felt that from him and a part of me wanted that desperately, even if it was fleeting.