Tank (Moonshine Task Force Book 2)(20)
She gets onto the interstate, taking us a few towns away so our shopping selection is better. I watch as she checks her blind spot and then sets her cruise control. “You think I don’t have fear? Trev, you and Ryan are my life besides Stella. Every damn day I start the morning out with a prayer that you two make it home. If I dwelled on it all the time, if I focused on it, I’d never be able to live my life. I have to trust that the two of you know what you’re doing, that you won’t take unnecessary chances, and that the people you’re with will also do the job they’re supposed to. I’m scared almost every day of my life. But you have to realize,” she glances over at me, her bottom lip trembling almost imperceptivity. “There’s only been one day that fear came true, and that was the day you had your wreck.”
“And the bitch of it all was I wasn’t even working,” I finish for her.
“Yeah,” she stiffens her chin. “You weren’t even working. If you had been, to be honest, it may have been easier,” she admits on a whisper.
I’m intrigued, but she doesn’t keep speaking. “How would it have been easier?”
“Because then I would know you got hurt doing what you love. People have to do your job, Trev. If people didn’t do your job this world would be a very dangerous place to live. Kids couldn’t walk down the street, we wouldn’t have the freedom of going to the mall a couple of days before Christmas, and in another world, I may be stoned to death for loving Ryan. The fact of the matter is, it takes all kinds to make this world go round, and if it wasn’t you doing this, it would be someone else. I’m comfortable with your choices because I’d never want you to be unhappy. Everyone is the love of someone’s life,” she shrugs.
“So, you’re saying you’d rather be scared and have us be happy?” I’m trying to follow along because I truly want to understand this. I want Blaze and me to be able to make a relationship work, I don’t want to be at odds with her, and I never want anything else to hold us back.
“Life is too short, you should know it better than anyone after what you’ve just gone through. If you really think about it, Trev, I think you’ll understand you want the people you love to do things that make them happy, even if they die doing it. At least you’ll know they died with a smile on their face, doing what they were called to do,” she gestures to her chest. “Because me? I know you and Ryan were born to do what you do. The two of you wear authority the same way you wear your bulletproof vests. You don’t hesitate for a second to put them on and get out in the middle of a disturbance, a firefight, in between two people arguing with one another – you never hesitate. And you don’t hesitate because you’re trained well, you know what you’re doing, and you’re confident in your abilities. I trust you to make good decisions, and I think if you were to sit back and watch Blaze on her home turf, doing what she does, you’d see she’s the same as you. And if she’s called to do that job, how can you try and make her choose? You and it are both her heart.”
I’m quiet for a few minutes, letting what she says sink in. I try to think back to times I’ve seen Blaze do her job, hell she’s done it on me a few times, and there’s no doubt she’s good at it. She’s confident and never second-guesses herself. I would trust her with the care of anyone I love.
“Let me put it to you another way,” my sister turns into the mall parking lot. “If you force her to choose again, do you know the decision she’ll make?”
The answer hits me with clarity. “I don’t know her decision. I’m not sure whether she’d choose me or not.”
“Then is that something you want to force her to do? Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering ‘what might have been’ with her? You’ve got to come to peace with what she does, Trev. If not, you’re going to lose her again, and I’m not sure if you’ll be able to get her back this time.”
“I did before,” my voice is strong, confident, daring her to tell me I’ll lose the woman I love again.
“But this time she’s been faced with the harsh reality of what your job can do to you – even if it was off duty. If you’re not ready to face hers head on – why in the hell are you going to ask her to face yours? That’s not love, brother, that’s controlling the situation. Do you really want to be that asshole?”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Blaze
I’m bored without Trevor here, although I have to admit this is the first time I’ve been alone in his house since I came to stay with him weeks ago. I’ve gone back to my apartment a few times to pick up clothing, check the mail, and make sure no one has broken in, but since he got out of the hospital I’ve been here with him night and day. It’s weird not to have him here, odd not to have him to take care of. I’m used to listening for him, trying to determine if he needs my help or if he’s trying to be stubborn and do things on his own.
This morning, when I watched him doing things more easily, it shot a pain through my chest. He’s not going to need me much longer, especially when he gets the okay to bear weight. It’ll be time for me to go back to my own home, and I have to admit, I’m scared. Will we go back to ignoring each other the way we were before or are we really going to try and make this work?