Stranger Than Fanfiction(5)
“Oh, is that how it works?” Tobey said, and did an impression of someone with special needs.
“Yeah, like we’ve never done this before,” Amy said, and took another selfie.
Cash chuckled, but not at his costars. He thought it was funny how there was hydrocodone, weed, and alcohol flowing through his veins at a work event but he wasn’t the biggest douchebag onstage.
“Sorry, they make me remind you every year,” the stagehand said, and clicked the button on his headset. “We’re ready back here. Cue the introduction!”
An energetic announcer was blasted over the audio system and filled the theater like the voice of God.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, extraterrestrials, reptiles and insectoids, people from the past, present, and future, and Wizzers from around the world, welcome to the 2017 ‘Wiz Kids Cast and Creative Panel’!”
The audience went berserk. If the energy emitting from their bodies could be absorbed, it would power all the homes in Central America for a decade.
“Please welcome the former star of Who’s the Parent? and the creator of Wiz Kids, Damien Zimmer!”
The words former star seemed to have sent a sharp pain down Damien’s spine because he twitched uncomfortably. He stepped through the curtain and bowed before the audience. The Wizzers greeted him with warm applause but mostly tried to look past him to see the cast standing backstage.
“You know him as the goofy anthropologist Professor Fitz Luckunckle! Please welcome to the stage the man who puts the ‘buff’ in ‘history buff’ and the star of the upcoming movie Moth-Man, Tobey Ramous!”
Tobey leaped through the curtain like a bull released from its pen. His silhouette darted across the curtain as he ran around the stage doing backflips and flexing his muscles for the crowd. Tobey was so amped up an elephant tranquilizer wouldn’t have calmed him down.
“You know her as the mechanical engineer with the heart of gold, Dr. Jules ‘the Tools’ Peachtree! Please welcome actress turned supermodel and outspoken pescatarian the gorgeous and talented Amy Evans!”
Amy glided through the curtain like she was on a catwalk. She blew kisses, made heart shapes with her hands, and then took a selfie onstage—but oddly, didn’t include the audience in it.
“Last but certainly not least, you know him as the lovable, nerdy, and quirky quantum physics expert Dr. Webster Bumfuzzle! Please give a warm WizCon welcome to the one and only Caaaash Caaaarter!”
Before the announcer was finished, the audience was screaming so loud Cash could barely hear his cue to come out. He stepped onstage and was hit with a tsunami of affection. The audience roared twice as hard as they had for the others. The stage lights made it very difficult to see anything and a tardy spotlight practically blinded him. All Cash could see was the manic flashing of cameras in the audience, as if he were facing an endless, pulsating galaxy.
When his eyes finally adjusted, he saw Wizzers shaking, crying, and jumping hysterically throughout the theater. He politely waved at the crowd, only causing the commotion to magnify. Cash found his seat at the table beside his coworkers, but the audience continued cheering until their voices went hoarse.
“Please welcome the panel moderators. From Entertainment Weekly, Jennifer Smalls; from The Hollywood Reporter, Terrence Wallem; and YouTube personality Kylie Trig.”
Lights came up on the front row of the audience, where the moderators sat. Each had a handheld microphone and a Wiz Kids notepad with their questions.
“We’ll start the panel questions with Jennifer Smalls,” the announcer said.
“Thanks for having me, WizCon,” Jennifer Smalls said into her microphone. “First off, it’s so wonderful to be back at WizCon!”
If there was one thing the cast of Wiz Kids agreed on, it was that Jennifer Smalls was Satan in black leggings. Before she reported for Entertainment Weekly, Jennifer worked for a website called Gotcha, a gossip blog devoted to outing closeted gay actors, breaking up celebrity couples, starting pregnancy rumors, leaking nude photos, and making life as difficult as possible for anyone in the public eye.
When Cash bought his first home, Jennifer Smalls posted his address online, which was practically an invitation for paparazzi, Hollywood tour buses, and five very delusional people who refused to leave. It cost Cash hundreds of thousands of dollars to hire full-time security for his property and to expedite restraining orders. Needless to say, he wasn’t Jennifer Smalls’s biggest fan. The only reason she was invited to WizCon was because in 2004 she wrote an article claiming Damien Zimmer was robbed of a Best Supporting Actor Emmy nomination for Who’s the Parent?
“You’re always welcome here, Jennifer,” Damien said into his microphone.
“My question is for Cash,” she said. “We’ve noticed there is more and more stunt work each season. I was wondering what it was like to film episode 908—‘Atlantis Falling.’”
“It was wet,” Cash replied—and that was all she got.
His shortness was not just a tactic for Jennifer’s questions, but for the convention in general. The less he spoke, the fewer pictures would surface of him in midword—those always made him look like he was having a stroke, and also seemed to be the only photos publications used with their articles anymore. Luckily, the audience found his shortness very amusing and no one was the wiser.