Stranger Than Fanfiction(10)
“Hi, Huda,” Topher said. “Perfect timing. We were just about to go to YouTube and watch it together.”
“Wait!” Huda objected. “They censor my shit over here—I don’t get YouTube. Can’t you play it on your iPad and hold it up to your camera for the rest of us? Pretty please?”
“Works for me,” Topher said, and loaded the video on his iPad.
“Huda, if everything is so censored, how did you even know the video had been posted?” Joey asked.
Huda looked around her home to make sure no one was listening.
“The Wizzer anticensorship train,” she whispered. “Whenever something notable happens in the Wiz Kids fandom, the Wizzers in Mexico message the Wizzers in Puerto Rico, who message the Wizzers in Cuba, who message the Wizzers in Japan, who message the Wizzers in China, who message the Wizzers in Russia, who message the Wizzers in Turkey, who message the Wizzers throughout the countries in the Middle East like me in Saudi Arabia. It’s a very complex system and it took years to perfect, but we knocked through those firewalls like Jenga.”
The others were impressed such a covert and proficient system had been set up in the Wizzer community, but they weren’t surprised. It was a testimony to the official slogan of the Wiz Kids’ viewership: “When there’s a Wizzer, there’s a way.”
“That’s incredible, Huda,” Mo said. “If only diplomacy worked as efficiently as a fandom, there would never be war again.”
“Kylie’s video is loaded!” Topher said. “Should I play it?”
“YES!” everyone shouted, and leaned closer to their computers.
Topher pressed Play and held his iPad up to his computer’s camera for the others to see. The video had only been up for three minutes and already had four million views. They impatiently sat through a fifteen-second ad for an energy drink called CherryInsulin, followed by the thirty-second-long introduction to all Kylie Trig’s videos (in which she sang an obnoxious theme song and hit a tambourine offbeat to the music).
Finally, fresh footage appeared of Kylie lounging on a tufted chaise in the presidential suite of her Santa Clara hotel.
“Whaaad up, Wizzer sluts!” Kylie said. “Welcome to another episode of Trig Talk with Kylie Trig! How am I doing, you ask? Not too shabby.… Just got back from the ‘Cast and Creative Panel’ at WizCon 2017.… No biggie.… We’ve got more to dish and dissect than a marine biologist, but first let me answer the question most of my subscribers want to know: Cash Carter confirmed that next season of Wiz Kids.… Peachfuzzle is back ON, mothafuckaaaas!”
Kylie shook a maraca and twirled her leg above her head like she was a human helicopter. Mo and Huda squealed so loud they almost blew out Topher’s speakers.
“Here are the deets y’all Wizzer bitches need to know from the rest of the panel,” Kylie continued. “First, let’s talk about the cast: Tobey Ramous is looking buff as fuck—I would totally tap that ass if I wasn’t afraid he’d crush me. Memo to Amy Evans: if you’re going to take a selfie on a stage, make sure to include the audience so we can tag ourselves in it later—it’s called manners. Cash Carter is rocking Robert Pattinson’s too-hungover-to-care look these days, but honestly, he doesn’t pull it off. By the way, he was totes flirting with me when I asked him about Peachfuzzle, not that I’m surprised—happens every year.”
“Get to the season-ten details, you overrated stalker!” Sam yelled on behalf of everyone in the fandom.
“I don’t mean to be Frank and Beans, but I was by far the best moderator at the panel,” Kylie went on. “They paired me up with ol’ Prostate McGee from The Hollywood Reporter and Jennifer Whogivesafuck from Entertainment Weekly. She had the audacity to call out Cash Carter on his recent benders in Hollywood. I know we’ve all been concerned about it—I personally hosted a candlelight vigil on the matter in my last video—but there are certain things you just don’t bring up at WizCon! Anyway, shit got reeeaaaal uncomfortable. Luckily, Has-Beener-Zimmer put out the flames. Now let’s get to what we learned about season ten.…”
“Finally!” Joey said.
“The cast confirmed the show will stay on air as long as we watch it, so we can all just chill the fuck out about that—I’m talking to you, WizzerJane97,” Kylie said. “However, Professor Luckunckle will be absent for three episodes in the fall because Tobey Ramous is committed to Moth-Man reshoots—apparently Warner Brothers already knows the movie will need them. Also, if you don’t like the storyline on Kepler-186, that’s too damn bad. The Reptoids are sticking around until the middle of season ten.”
“The Reptoids are back? No cocking way!” Davi said, and wrapped his arms around his head.
“That’s the season-finale twist I was telling you about,” Sam said.
“Don’t talk about the season finale!” Huda begged. “The Wizzers in Turkey haven’t sent it to me yet!”
“Has-Beener-Zimmer also said there will be three surprise guest stars in season ten,” Kylie said. “He wouldn’t say who, but gave these hints: one has an Oscar, one has a Grammy, and one has a sex tape. He also promised the fans he would not write another role for himself or force another Who’s the Parent? reunion down our throats. Episode 907 was just as painful for him as it was for us—I’m paraphrasing of course. Well, that’s all the info I’ve got for you today, Wizzer sluts. Tune in tomorrow for my recap of the Wiz Kids ‘Post Production Panel.’ And if you haven’t subscribed to my channel yet—kill yourself. Peace!”