Stanton Bliss(32)

“How did you find I was gone?” she whispers.

I frown as I remember. “I was cold. It was so cold. I could hear the wind banging on something.”

She, too, frowns as she tries to visualise my words. “What time was this?”

“Dawn. It was foggy.”

She lies still as she listens.

“I thought you were in the bathroom and I went back to sleep. I could have saved you, but I went back to sleep.”

“Josh,” she whispers.

“The door kept banging and eventually it woke me up completely. I went looking for you.”

“Oh Josh. My heart aches for you,” She whispers. “I can’t imagine going through this.”

I hesitate; knowing the next part of the story is what upsets me. I can’t bear going back there. The lump in my throat forms and my chest tightens.

“Then what happened?” she prompts.

“I slipped.”

“You slipped?” she repeats.

I nod.

“God, Josh, your heart rate is racing. You’re back there, aren’t you? You relive this every night?” she whispers in horror.

My eyes mist over.

“Did you hurt yourself?”

“Huh?”

“When you slipped?”

“No,” I reply blankly.

“Was the deck wet?” she asks.

“I slipped on your blood.”

She gasps.

“There was blood everywhere,” I whisper.

She screws up her eyes in pain.

I feel perspiration start to wet me.

“There was so much blood and…” I hesitate as I realise that this might upset her further.

“Tell me,” she urges. “I’m ok and I want to hear this, Joshua.”

“There were drag marks in your blood, at the side of the boat.”

She closes her eyes in pain. “Holy f*ck. This is horrific, no wonder you aren’t sleeping.”

I remain still, numb as the horror seeps through my body.

“What did you do?” she asks softly.

“I started to yell for you. I-I couldn’t find you.”

Her tears start to fall like a burst dam.

“Ben came.”

She frowns. “Where was Ben?”

“He heard me screaming.”

She closes her eyes again.

“We were diving under the water.”

“Josh,” she whispers. “It’s ok. I’m here, baby, I’m here.” She pulls me closer.

I shake my head. “But I couldn’t find you.” My voice is strained.

“Joshua.”

“I couldn’t remember, Natasha. I still can’t remember. I can’t stand the thought that I don’t remember something so significant.”

“It’s ok, Joshua, you were drugged.”

“No, it’s not ok. I should have protected you. I-I should have been able to protect you.” I stammer as my stress hits a new level.

She kisses my chest. “I’m alive. Everything is ok.”

We lie still for an extended time, both lost in our own thoughts.

“Tell me about prison.” She kisses my chest.

“It’s cold,” I reply flatly.

“What do you mean?”

“I would shiver at night because I was so cold.”

“Nicholas said you wanted to end your life when you were in there. Is that true?”

I’m still, deathly still as I relive the grief all over again. The lump in my throat hurts to swallow.

“It was a very dark time for me, Tash. I can’t explain how low I was.”

“Do you still have dark thoughts?

“No,” I reply without hesitation.

“I’m here, baby. I will never let you go.”

We cling onto each other so tightly, trying desperately to chase our demons away, and I know I need to escape this heavy feeling that hangs over me. I need to learn how to forget.

Natasha

“It’s 4:00 p.m. and the day has been long. I’m exhausted and we have hardly slept. Joshua and I talked for hours last night. He’s been to Hell and back. All the honesty eventually broke me down and I cried for hours.

I killed a woman.

I killed a woman I knew and I now realise that I have no idea how to deal with it. I feel like I should feel guilty, but I’m just relieved that I escaped. Joshua was furious when I finally opened up about Carl hitting me. He said he wished I had killed the monster. The sick thing is… I kind of wish I had, too. What kind of person have I turned into?

“Where do you want to live, Tash? We need to discuss this,” Joshua asks me.

I frown into the spaghetti on toast I am eating and I drag my hand down over my face in frustration. “I don’t know.”

“Do you want to go back to L.A.?”

“Yes.” I frown. “I told you I want to be close to Adrian, Cam and Didge. Did I tell you that Abbie is going home to Australia?”

“Ben told me.”

My eyes hold his. “Do you think that’s a good idea?” I ask.

He shrugs.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I don’t know,” he answers curtly.

I smirk. My man is tired and cranky like a child. Some things never change.