Spiralling Skywards: Fading (Contradictions, #2)(17)

Feeling thoroughly pissed off, I decided to take the pregnancy test alone.

“Well fuck him, I’ll do it by myself.” I said aloud to my empty house as I sat up and attempted to swing my legs over the side of the bed. Just as my feet hit the floor, white light exploded across my vision and a blinding headache caused the room to spin. I squeezed my eyes closed and pressed my palms to my temples as my stomach rolled and my mouth started to water. A cold sweat broke out over my face and my whole body felt too hot.

I sat very still on the side of my bed for a few long moments and waited for things to settle. My headache receded to just a dull ache at the base of my skull, but I still felt nauseous. Opening my eyes very slowly, I stood, grabbed by phone, made my way over to my underwear drawer, and pulled out the home pregnancy test hidden there.

The instructions were easy enough: pee on the stick, slide on the cover, and set it down on the side of the sink. I followed them, then washed my hands and set the timer on my phone for two minutes. I forced myself to watch the seconds count down instead of spending the time staring at the plastic stick. As the timer hit the two-minute mark, I had a moment of panic. I shouldn’t have done this. I should’ve waited until Liam was here, this was big news, we should be—

My phone rang, and I actually let out a small squeak as I jumped at the sound. Sasha’s name was on the screen, but I knew I couldn’t talk to her. She would be all too aware that I was up to something. Plus, I was a terrible liar, or faker, whatever I would be doing if I were to pick up, so I sent the call to voice mail.

My insides felt as if they were twisting themselves into knots as I debated what I should do.

Tea!

I would have a cup of tea and then decide if I should look or if I should wait for my husband to be here before finding out the result.

I started to leave the bathroom but then stopped in my tracks.

“Am I allowed to drink tea if I’m pregnant?”

I had been alone so much lately that I had gotten into the habit of talking aloud to myself. I felt the now common stab of loneliness as the realisation hit me that I had no one to talk to, no one to ask about all of these questions. No mum.

I thought back to the speech I made at my wedding and the guilt hit me. What I said then was true. Growing up, I didn’t feel as if I were missing out, but with the possibility of motherhood looming, I wished mine were around. If I were totally honest, I also wished my dad were around, too. Did he ever wonder about us? Did he have any idea about the amazingly successful businessman my brother had become? Would he care?

Over the years, I had seen a few photos of him with my mum and with Luke. They were hard to look at because it hurt so much to think that he’d walked away and left me without looking back.

I let out a heavy sigh and made my way downstairs, wondering if he was even still alive. If he was, did he even know that my mum died?

My thoughts were cut short when I saw a note pinned to the fridge by a magnet, I walked straight over and took it down, reading it as I opened up my laptop that was sitting on the table.

Morning, pretty girl.

Sorry I got home so late, everything took longer than we thought, but it was all worth it in the end as we sealed the deal. You were sleeping so soundly that I didn’t wanna wake you. I’ve had to pop in for a few hours this morning, but I’ll be home by lunchtime. We should celebrate later—drinks and the club with Luke or dinner for just the two of us? Have a think about it, and just know that as soon as I get home, I need to be inside you. I feel like I’ve barely seen or touched you since we came back home, and I hate it. Text me once you’re awake.

Love ya, bub x

I felt the tension ease out of me as I read his note. He hated being apart as much as I did. I went without my tea and my research and took the stairs two at a time on the way to my bathroom to retrieve the pregnancy test.

Two blue lines.

Positive.

I was pregnant.

I smiled, laughed, and cried all at the same time as I sat down on the closed lid of the toilet and stared at the two lines that had just changed my life. It was not as if I was shocked. I had a feeling that this would be the result, and at least this explained the headaches and nausea.

I wallowed in a kind of mini euphoria for a few long moments, unable to wipe the stupid grin off my face or the tears that leaked from my eyes. I was glad that I did this on my own. I felt quite smug that I was in possession of this knowledge while Liam was totally oblivious.

I stood with my hand on my belly and did what about every woman that just found out she was pregnant did since the invention of mirrors, I turned sideways, pulled up my T-shirt, and looked at my reflection.

Nope, no different.

“That’s because you’re about the size of my little finger nail right now,” I told the baby. “But don’t worry, you’ll soon grow, and then everyone will know that you’re in there.” Actually looking down at my belly as I spoke, I continued with, “Well, at least I’m no longer talking entirely to myself now that I have you.”

Climbing into the shower I thought about how I was gonna go about rocking Liam’s world with this news and then the smiley/laugh/crying started up again.

***

I decided to have a walk down to the local shops before Liam got home from work and grab something that was going to help me with my pregnancy reveal. While I was there, I grabbed something for Luke and Sash, too. I figured that if I was going to make a show of telling Liam, I could do the same for my brother and best friend as well. I was so full of nervous energy that I was fairly convinced I was about implode, explode and dissolve, all at the same time. The feeling stayed with me the entire way home, but I didn’t mind, I enjoyed it. I was buzzing and felt more alive and happy than I had in weeks.