Saviour (Saviour #1)(82)
“Just tell the cunt from me, your marked, your mine, every time he breaths in the air around you, he will smell me, because I f*cking own you”
He's gone. Out the door and he's gone, I can see the headlights stop on the drive, I have a ringing sound in my ears, is it a ringing sound, or is it a screaming sound? It is a screaming sound and as I see Gabe jump out of the Ute and run towards me, I realise the screaming sound is coming from me, it’s me, screaming as loud as I can!
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I don't know where I went really, I was there but I wasn't, it was the only way I knew how to cope, I just sort of shut my brain down, I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to feel, I didn’t want to remember what he had done to me so I just left for a bit, left it all behind. I sobbed and I begged him not to touch me, I felt so ashamed but he didn't listen, he got on the floor with me and held me and rocked me as he called for an ambulance. I knew I wasn't hurt, physically anyway so why did I need an ambulance? I wanted a bath or a shower, I wanted to take these clothes off, wash and scrub the smell of him away but now Gabe would have to have a bath too, otherwise it would still be there, the smell, of him and I didn't want that, not on Gabe, he's good, I don't want him tainted with the smell of Jason, of badness. So I kept screaming and trying to get up, to get to the bath but he was too strong and he just wouldn't listen. I remember the paramedics arriving and then I remember the police, why were the police here? They all kept asking me questions but I didn't want to talk, I wasn't going to tell them what he had done to me. I was overwhelmed by the shame, what sort of person was I, that another person would want to do this to me?
Gabriel carried me to the ambulance and held me all the way to the hospital, he had no choice, I wasn't letting him go!
They shone a light in my eye and felt around my head, they said I needed an X-ray but that meant Gabe would have to leave me and I couldn't let that happen so they gave me something, I don't know what, they injected it into a cannula in the back of my hand, I don't even know how that got there. Whatever they gave me, it was good, I relaxed and almost drifted off and they did the X ray. Then the police were there again and they wanted my clothes and I remember getting upset again. Gabe shouted, not at me but at the policeman I think and then Gabe and a nurse helped take my clothes off and he took off his hoodie and pulled it over my head. I kept saying sorry, why was I sorry, did I do something? I can't remember, I don’t want to remember. The police came back in and ketp asking what had happened but I couldn’t tell them, how can I say out loud what he has done? I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is Gabriel laying me in the bath at home. It’s lovely and warm and full of bubbles. He uses the sponge and washes me, all of me, head to toe, while I sit on my bum, my knees pulled up under my chin, my arms wrapped around me and I just sob. I don't think there are even tears, just a sound and I think it’s something like a sob. I want to sleep so badly, to shut it all out, to never think or speak of this night again. I am out of the bath and wrapped in a towel, I can hear voices, Jo is here and then Jemma, Gabe puts me in my favorite fluffy jarmies and then combs my hair while I sit on the edge of the bath, then I am in bed and Jemma brings me some tea type stuff, it's that chamomile shit. Why doesn't she bring me wine or vodka I wonder? Ahhh the pills, good thinking Jem, alcohol, and pills, they’re not good together and I remember now, I know I have to take some tablets, the nurse said, I heard her I think and then finally, nothing, sleep, sleep.
I wake quite alert considering. I am curled in a ball on my side and Gabe is curled right in tight next to me, his arm over and around me, his head almost on top of mine and then in a split second it hits me, it’s like that rush of air you get on the underground when the train is coming but instead of being warm its icy cold but at the same time it makes me burn, my blood turns to ice, my skin to fire and I can't breathe, I really can’t breathe and I am gasping, I need to vomit and I need some air. I’m trying to get up to get to the bathroom but as I stand my legs just give way, Gabe is up and off the bed so quickly, I don't really see him move, I can’t hold it down much longer but the power of speech seems to have deserted me, and I can’t move, I am already on my knees so I just lean forward and vomit, right there, in the bedroom, on the carpet, mortified. I actually think I am going to die, I just can’t seem to get enough air into my lungs, I am clinging to Gabe , staring at him, I need him to help me but I just can’t get any words out. I am in the middle of the worst panic attack and I can't speak. I beg him with my eyes but he knows, he knows what to do.
“Breathe baby, breathe, Respirare bambino, respirare. In through your nose, not through your mouth, in through your nose, out through your mouth”
He's rubbing my back and breathing with me, showing me what I need to do, he stays so calm, talking to me in Italian and English, I match my breathing to his, and after a few minutes the panic begins to subside. But now that I can get my breath, I start to make this god awful sobbing noise, it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from me. I sit up and just focus on getting air into my lungs and once my breathing slows, he leaves me and goes into the bathroom coming back with some towels and a glass of water, I rinse my mouth and climb back into bed, turn on my side and curl up in a ball, exhausted. That was beyond awful. I have had anxiety attacks before when my dad died but never anything like this.