Saviour (Saviour #1)(5)

“I f*cking knew it, as soon as you walked in I knew something was up, what's going on Lauren, you haven’t been right for months, tell us what’s wrong and we don't want to hear any crap” Lu passes me a vodka, which I also knock straight back.

“Any one got a cigarette? Let's go outside for a smoke and I'll talk” Yeah, I’m well aware of the health implications, but I’m in crises here and I need a smoke. We all look at Jo, who is a sometimes social smoker

“Come on, I've got smokes”

We go out onto the veranda of the bar, which is the designated smoking area and all but Lulu light up a cigarette. After a couple of puffs, I begin to talk. I start by telling them how good sex, and things in general have always been between myself and Jay, they know this any way, we have all been friends for a long time and it’s a standing joke amongst them that Jay and I still f*ck like rabbits, even after all these years but I just feel the need to point out the good aspects of my marriage, the positives, before I share with them all the bad shit. I then explain that my marriage has been on a downward spiral over the past couple of years and that for me at least, it was now over and I was going to leave him.

They all look stunned. Jemma is eying me, she knows there is more to it, she knows how much I have always been in love with my husband. Lulu starts rambling, something she does when she’s stressed or upset…

“But why Lauren? Surely things can’t be that bad, surely with some counselling or…something, you two are so good together, surely nothing can be that bad, that it can’t be fixed…. Oh no, my God, he’s not having an affair is he? No, he would never …. Shit, it’s not you is it? You haven’t met someone else have you? Shit Lauren, not an affair, you wouldn’t?”

Hang on ….this isn’t my fault…. I interrupt Lulu….

“He hurts me Lorraine, if you really must know, my husband physically hurts me, he pulls my hair, he smashes my head into walls, he kicks me, he physically and verbally abuses me and I have had enough and I am leaving him”

I’m so f*cking angry with her for jumping to conclusions….about me…that I deliberately call her by her real name, Lorraine….knowing that she hates it! This is so hard…such a struggle for me to admit, without being questioned by a friend like this and I can’t hold it back, if they are going to doubt my motives and probably my sanity, then they need to hear the truth. So, there I have said it now, I have said it out loud, admitted to it, it’s no longer my dirty little secret.

It's possibly the quietest I have ever known the girls when we are all together. I knew Jemma would take it bad, she looks totally shell-shocked, she’s shaking her head and has started to cry. Jo offers another smoke to each of us. This time, even Lulu takes a cigarette...

Jemma is the first to speak “Fuck Lauren, why have you never told us, why have you put up with this, why haven’t you told us before now? I knew something wasn’t right but I never imagined this, f*ck, we’re your friends and you didn’t tell us…why?” She raises her hand to cover her mouth and shakes her head.

“What a total Bastard” says Jo.

“I couldn’t Jem, I am so sorry, I just kept thinking, things would get better, and if you knew, if you knew the things he did to me, then you would judge him, and if we stayed together, well then, you would judge me for staying with him, I’m truly sorry”

“No, no, no” Lulu says… “No Lauren, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said all of that, I’m just so shocked, I was trying to think of a reason why you would leave him but I never thought this….And please don’t call me Lorraine…ever” She smiles at me sweetly which makes me laugh

I give them all the details; telling them there has always been an element of violence to my marriage, right from the very start. But that now, well things were at a stage now, where I thought he might be more than capable of doing me some permanent damage!

Lulu puffs on her cigarette, looking at me...And after a few a moment says

“You have to leave him Loz, you can't stay there with him, what if one day he doesn't stop, what if one day he loses complete control? The boys aren't there now to protect you and if he's getting worse like you say, then you just can't take that chance”

“Lauren, I know you love him but this is wrong, what he's doing to you is wrong, you are doing the right thing you have to get out” Says Jem

“I know what I should do ladies but I'm shit scared and where will I go and what if he comes after me? I've tried to leave after fights before and he's always stopped me, I just don’t know what I’m going to do, I am definitely leaving him, but I have no idea where I am going to go”

“Do you have money?” asks Jo….Always the accountant….

“Not really, everything's in a joint account and he checks it every day. I have my secret stash but there's only a couple of thousand in there, I've had to send money to Sonny a few times, when he's been short”

“Well I'm sure that between us, we can come up with a bond and a deposit on a rental, if not, I will lend it to you, and you can stay with us until you get yourself sorted... But you need to get out of there Loz” Jemma says shaking her head as she speaks

“I’m sorry girls; I've totally put a downer on everyone's night now”