Saviour (Saviour #1)(2)

For a while I wallowed and sat home feeling frumpy and out of the loop. Then out of the blue I landed a job in a small interiors shop. I had been at college studying interior design when I had fallen pregnant with Sonny at just twenty. I had continued and finished my course with just four weeks to go before the baby was due but I had never had a chance to put any of my newly acquired qualifications into practice as just six months after Sonny was born, I had fallen pregnant with Ryder. Despite the time that had elapsed since my college days, I had kept my hand in by reading home and lifestyle magazines constantly and of course watching every home makeover program on the TV. Back then, there were nowhere near as many as there are now but I had managed to keep up with trends and fashions and had made our own home look like something straight from a magazine. I had a knack, a way of always managing to pull together a stylish, expensive look on a very limited budget. On just Jason's wage, we had bought and renovated an old 1930's house on the outskirts of the city, in an area that was to see a boom in prices over the coming years.

I had been asked to help friends when they bought houses or when any one I knew was decorating, my advice was always sort. It had been something I had been able to do, whilst having the kids in tow and despite only charging a small fee compared to what an interior designer would charge, I had earned enough to buy the key pieces for our own home that had given it the WOW factor. I had also been savvy enough to have taken photos and to have kept fabric, paint and wallpaper swatches and samples and my mood boards from all of the jobs I had done for others and from our own home, pulling together a pretty good portfolio of my work.

Once I went back to work my life changed. The money was average, the hours crap and juggling the kids was bloody hard work. I had many moments of regret and guilt and many weeks it cost me more in child care fees than I earned but after a year I was doing what I had trained for. I was out making house calls on people that wanted me to design rooms and sometimes, entire homes for them. But more than that, I had come back to life; I felt a part of the world again. I loved being a mum but I needed more than staying home with the children all day, to make me the mum they deserved. I had a new vibrancy and buzz about me. I had less spare time but more energy than I'd had in years so every spare moment I spent with the boys, we would get out of the house, to parks or the zoo or museums. If we did stay home, we would get creative and paint or draw or make things. So much more fulfilling than just plonking them down in front of the TV. It changed everything about my relationship with Jason too. I now had things to discuss at the dinner table, I had things to tell him about my day, and now with a list of child-minders and babysitters to choose from, we could have the occasional night out together. We got back on track.

He changed his mind about leaving me and we had stayed together. I think it’s from that time where some of my issues stem from. Over the years I have convinced myself that I should be grateful that he stayed with me.

Anyway, all of this had eventually allowed us to sell our house for a tidy profit, buy a block of land out of the city and close to the beach and build our dream home and for me to set up my own interior design business .

That had all happened over twenty years ago....

The boys were now grown. Sonny was over in the UK with his girlfriend. He’s a professional rugby player and living it up and earning money playing a sport that he has loved his whole life. Jess his girlfriend is a doctor and was finishing off her qualification as a paediatrician at one of the best children's hospitals in the world.

Ryder has inherited design and build skills from both his parents and is now an architect, designing houses for the development company Jason now owns and runs.

For us, life is pretty good and most people assume I have it all and in many ways I do but for how much longer am I prepared to put up with being so unhappy on the inside? The boys know that Jason has a bad temper and have witnessed him losing it with me many times over the years but I have always warned them to stay out of any of our arguments no matter what, in fear that he would turn his wrath on one of my children but they have no idea how bad things have become over the past months, how viciously Jay now speaks to me when he loses his temper and how frequently it is happening.

I had tried to talk to him; I had tried to make things better. I booked weekends away for us, arranged weekends away for just Jay with friends; anything to try and chill him out, help him relax.

As far as Jason was concerned I completely over reacted to our fights and blew them out of all proportion. The truth was, he had never hit me; he had never swung a punch and actually HIT me....He had however, dragged me from room to room by my hair, pushed me to the floor, squeezed my cheeks until my mouth bled, smashed my head into walls and squeezed my throat until I almost passed out .

Looking back, I know I should have acted years ago but the truth of the matter is simple, I love him and I feel that I’m not entirely blameless in some of the arguments that have led to his violent outbursts. I know I’m no angel, I have a smart mouth, and don't like to be told ...but now I have reached the stage that I am no longer in love with him enough to tolerate the abuse. This makes me sad, so very sad to accept this fact but I am worth more that.

So it is then, that I lay here now, in our bed, waiting for my husband to leave for work before I get up to make a coffee so that I don't risk having a conversation with him and saying something that might just piss him off enough to start with the violence again .