Rush: The Season (Austin Arrows Book 1)(107)

“I don’t know what’s going on here,” she says, gesturing between us, “but I hope you’re not mad at me because of this James thing.”

James thing? Is that what she’s calling it? The father of her child, a man she has hoped she’d one day find so Bianca could know him, coming back into her life is a “thing”?

It pisses me off that she can be so blasé about it. It’s tearing me up inside, and she sees it as a goddamn “thing.”

Ellie doesn’t see my disappointment. She just keeps talking. “I don’t know why Bianca didn’t tell me that she was looking for him, and I still have to address that, but if this man really is her father…”

“He needs to be a part of her life,” I say for her. “I’m not an *, Ellie. If he is her father, that’s a good thing.”

For Bianca. For Ellie.

Certainly not for me.

“It is.” The way she says it doesn’t hold nearly the conviction I thought it would.

It’s my turn to speak, so I lay it all out there. “And I decided last night, I’m going to give you some space to deal with this.”

Ellie frowns. “Space?”

“Yeah. You’ve got a lot going on and … well, I do, too. I need to focus on my game.”

I continue to watch Ellie, and I swear I see tears form in her eyes, but no sooner do I see them than they’re gone.

“Okay then.” She doesn’t argue.

“I’m still here,” I tell her. “If you need anything at all.”

She looks up at me, holding my stare for the longest time before she finally speaks. “I really didn’t mean to make this weird between us, Kingston.”

I swallow hard, not able to speak.

“I know we were both worried about our friendship … and I guess bringing sex into it made it awkward. No matter what, I don’t want to lose that.”

I nod. Ellie did tell me in the beginning that this was only temporary. I guess I didn’t realize the expiration date would come quite so quickly.

“Like I said, I’m here. Whatever you need.” And I mean that with my whole heart, although I don’t tell her as much.





43


Kingston


Thursday, December 15th

I don’t think I’ve looked forward to an away game as much as I have this week.

However, I’m not in the zone where I should be.

As I pace back and forth, waiting to go out on the ice, I feel my anxiety. The way I left things with Ellie doesn’t sit right with me. For whatever reason, I felt the need to put some space between us. It’s a self-preservation thing, I think. I’m almost certain that I’ve fallen in love with this woman, and with Bianca’s dad making an appearance in her life, I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how things will play out. I should probably try to dig deeper, but I could tell Ellie was panicked from the phone call alone. I don’t want to cause her any more undue stress. This is going to be hard enough for her without me becoming an insecure * on top of it.

“Rush!”

I look up to see the team walking toward the rink, and I force myself to ignore my thoughts. This is the shit I should’ve left in the locker room. My focus should be on the game, on my place between the pipes. When my skates hit the ice, I wait for the calm to take over, but it’s absent. I’m fidgety and antsy. As I make my way to the net, I try to focus on my gear, needing to ensure it’s not too loose. I briefly glance at my stick, not even remembering that I taped it.

This isn’t good.



Tonight’s game was the icing on a shitty week all the way around. We lost both games, due in no small part to my lack of concentration. We have another game on Monday, but I’m sure Coach will put Locke in if I don’t get my head out of my ass.

Maybe that’s for the best. I’m sure he could do a better job than I can right now, anyway. It doesn’t matter how I try to psych myself up, it’s not working. I’m not big on feeling sorry for myself, yet that’s exactly how I feel.

Like a pathetic ass.

I’ve managed to keep my distance from Ellie. We shared a couple of texts since I saw her on Saturday, but nothing more than that. I haven’t been in the mood to talk to anyone. I’m sure it’s evident in the way I carry myself, in the smartass comments I’ve been making to anyone and everyone around me. I’m pissed and I don’t know why.

Okay, that’s a lie on both fronts. One, I do know what the problem is, and two, I’m not pissed. I’m actually confused as f*ck.

Here I was, moving along with Ellie, and out of the blue, this man comes into the picture. She doesn’t know him from Adam, but at one time he was all up inside her—a visual image that makes me want to put my fist through the wall—getting her pregnant and all but ensuring he would get to be a part of her life indefinitely. I know she’ll want to get to know him. Why wouldn’t she? She had a kid with the guy. It doesn’t even matter—and it probably never will—that I’ve been there for Bianca far longer than he has been. I love that kid more than he ever possibly could. We don’t have to share the same blood to be family, and that’s how I feel about her.

This is killing me slowly.

“You want another?” the bartender asks as he passes by me.