Romance:From Fat To Fatale(31)
So, to tell you the truth - and don't I always? - I'm really looking forward to sharing every glorious detail of what happens next in my quest for life, love and a totally better body. And Mama doesn't need to know, does she? You see. That's what I've always liked about you.
You're so wonderfully discrete!
I'm Misha Bulgari and you, oh Gorgeous One, are my new and absolute best friend. So let's get ready to have a total blast together. Wear whatever you like. Bring a friend along if you want to. The adventure awaits!
Chapter 20:
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From Misha’s upcoming book…..MISHA GOES HOLLYWOOD
Hi! So good to see you again. How have you been? Did you miss me? How long's it been? Well, time sure does fly when you're having fun. Now I happen to be one loyal kind of a gal so when I stick with someone, I stick with 'em! We set off on this adventure together and I couldn't possibly take another single step in this epic tale without my new best friend at my side. But I guess I should really bring you right up to date because a lot's happened since we were last in touch. Yeah. I know. You turn your back for one minute to get a fresh skinny mocha latte and the whole world changes behind you in the blink of an eye.
You know that the family Bulgari love to live life on the extra large side of the economy clothing rack, don't you? Well, nothing new in that particular wholesale department for the circumferentially-challenged! Big if not bigger than ever, they seemed destined to keep rolling along like a perpetually browsing herd of elephants, consuming everything in their pathway, nosing and jostling their way through vast quantities of calories in the time-honoured family tradition of freshly-baked chocolate fudge cakes, sugared cookies, overfilled cream pastries and the occasional pail of piping hot, goose-fat soup to aid the digestion and kill all and any bugs and germs that might attempt to breach a family member's armour-thick layers of protective fat. Same old, same old. Well, almost.
There had been a couple of minor changes to the family constellation. Especially where my younger siblings were concerned. Ever since Mavenka's unfortunate brush with the possibility of a teenage pregnancy, Mama had taken a firmer grip on my sister's social life. So it was probably inevitable that Mavenka's love interests would find their new focus on the only candidates now allowed within arm's length, hand-holding reach.
And that was in the old Bible classes that had been such an important and influential part of her formative years. Now let's be clear about my chubby little sister. There wasn't much risk that she'd ever start hearing those angelic voices again and feel the call to become a nun. Let's be realistic here. Mama wanted to curtail Mavenka's unorthodox social life, especially on those steamy, lust-fuelled Friday nights, so Bible classes seemed like the perfect answer. And that was where she chanced to meet a young man of impressive girth and limited intellect who had been placed in the Bible study class to improve his chances of satisfying his family's ambitions. His parents had decided early on that he should enter the seminary and become a priest. Now I know you're a well-educated person of grace, learning and scholarship so you probably know all about the old, well-worn tradition that applied amongst the in-bred aristocracy of a bygone age, the tradition that dispatched the less able sons of the dynasty either to join the army or to take up the cloth. Mavenka's new friend with the fondness for fifty shades of donuts would never have passed the army physical. So a saber-brandishing, military career was obviously out of the question.
Happily the Church was infinitely more accommodating and priestly vestments were still manufactured in tripleX, extra-wide, blubber-butt size. It had the unmistakable hallmark of a match made in heaven. Mavenka often sat next to her new companion and they shared the occasional, fortifying bags of candy to help pass the time. The classes were conducted by a lay member of the Church, an older gentleman with a slick of hair plastered across his balding pate, deep-set eyes and an occasional slight tremor in the fingers. He would excuse himself several times during the class and step into the vestry, absent for a few moments to gather his thoughts and seek the inspiration of the Lord, but he always returned with the tang of whiskey on his breath and a slight flush to his cheeks.
What a perfectly innocent environment to preserve Mavenka's chastity - or whatever remained of it - and bring the wayward child closer to the path of righteousness. So when Mavenka and her fat, fellow student from Bible class went to a movie together, Mama gushed with approval. The fat boy was destined to become a priest! There could be no finer companion for her little girl than a future man of the cloth, platonic friends who could share a box of popcorn together and enjoy the sweet innocence of a comedy on a wet Saturday afternoon under the ever-watchful eyes of the Lord. Right….you won’t believe what happened next!.....