Retribution (Secrets & Lies #3)(4)

“I love you too, Carson. Was there anything else you wanted to ask me about?”

Carson nods, looking up at Ascension again. “Has Nathan said anything about the fact you've made him into one of your angels?”

I shake my head, sighing. “No. Do you think he's noticed?”

“Well, let me put it this way. The past few times I've been here with him to push him in his rehab while Andrea's at campus or studying, he's stopped each time, looking up at that one figure in particular. He doesn't say anything, but I can see it in his eyes. He recognizes it for what it is. I told you when we invited him to stay... still waters run deep.”

“Do they run at all?” I ask, afraid. “Carson, do they really run at all?”

“I know yours do,” Carson says. “Why don't you say something to him about how you feel?”

“I can't,” I say, my breath catching. Dammit, why? Why do I have to be this way? I'm emotionally crippled, trapped within a shell that has panic attacks too often, leaving me trapped on a farm and unable to even give voice to a man I want more than anything else. “I can't tell him.”

“Well, if I were you,” Carson says carefully, “I'd do my best to force myself to say something. While you've been out here, he's been on the phone with some of his contacts in New Orleans and Baton Rouge. He's talking about getting his own place again, somewhere he can keep a better ear to the ground on what Peter DeLaCoeur might be bringing against us next.”

At the mention of my father, I take a deep, shuddering breath and clench my fists, trying to fight down the panic. Carson puts his arm around me again and holds me carefully for a minute while the wave passes. When I can speak again, I can only think of Nathan. “Is he really thinking of leaving?”

Carson nods, and when he speaks, I swear I hear sadness in his voice. “'Lissa, what drives you to be a great artist?”

“I... it's just in my heart. I want to create beautiful things to try and show how I want the world to be.”

“That's part of it,” Carson agrees, letting go of me and taking my hand, “but at the core, you do it because you're driven to be a great artist, 'Lissa. It's who you are, it's your identity. At your soul, you are an artist. Nathan... Nathan is a protector. I think even if there wasn't the threat from Peter, Nathan would be out there protecting someone. And right now, for him, the greatest goal he has in life is to protect our family. It's what gets him out of bed every morning. It's what drove him in his recuperation, and it's what will always drive him.”

“That's not a bad thing,” I say softly, thinking of Nathan. “It's noble.”

“It is now,” Carson agrees. “But he's in pain too, you know.”

“Aisha,” I whisper, thinking of the little bit I know of Nathan's long-dead love.

“Perhaps, but it's more I think because of the evil he did after her death,” Carson replies. “He's not sure he's worthy of love anymore. At least, that's what Katrina thinks when we talked about it at Christmas. But you need to tell him, 'Lissa. If not, I think he's going to move out because he thinks he can better protect the entire family from a different place.”

“You think that's why he nixed our idea of getting him another dog?” I ask, thinking about the only thing that hurt about Christmas this year. Nathan was polite, but firm on his insistence that we would not get him another dog.

“I don't know, 'Lissa. He may have a lot of reasons. But you should still talk to him.”

I shake my head, hugging myself. “I... I can't, Carson.”

Carson looks like he's about to protest, then sighs. “Okay, 'Lissa. Just remember what I said, okay? He might not stick around forever, and I don't want you to have any regrets. Either way though, I'll be here for you, and Andrea, too.”

I nod again, quiet. “Thank you. Give me a few minutes, then? I just want to think a bit more, then I'm coming inside.”

Carson hums, and gives me a quick hug. “Okay. Don't wait too long, okay? Andrea picked up some cheesecake when we went shopping the other day, saving it just for this occasion. It's organic, super creamy supposedly. Best of all, Andrea said she's making chocolate sauce just for you.”

I smile. The idea of chocolate sauce cheers up any day. “Five minutes, little brother. Just five minutes.”

Carson leaves the barn and I sit in the rapidly dimming light, thinking. I'm running out of time, and I knew it couldn't last forever, but how do I do it? How do I tell the first man I've ever had feelings for that I’m interested in him?





Chapter Two





Nathan





The morning mist is cold, but I've dealt with far worse as I do my warm-up exercises on the porch, looking out on the dooryard. I've been in snow literally up to my ass, and in deserts so hot you could feel the air sucking the water from your pores even in whatever shade you could find or make. Mist and forty degrees is mild compared to any of that.

The door to the house opens behind me, the screen squeaking softly as Andrea steps out, yawning. “You know, Nathan,” she grumbles good-naturedly as she rubs at the back of her neck, “since we're on vacation, you can actually hold off on doing your runs until after the sun's come up over the horizon.”