Resolution (Saviour #2)(2)
“No, no, no I'm sorry baby, I’m sorry, don't ever flinch like that from me, I would never raise a hand to you, never. I am not him. I didn't mean to scare you, I'm sorry. I just don't get it. I love you Lauren, I f*ckin’ love you so much, and I don’t know what to do with it all. It’s like it’s bursting out of me and I don’t where to put it, I don’t want to smother you with it but I want to wrap you and keep you warm and safe in it. I want to spend the rest of my life with you; I thought you wanted the same.”
I can't help but smile at his honesty, I know this is new to him; perhaps marriage is just a knee jerk reaction for him – the obvious thing to do in his mind? Apparently this is the first time he has been in love and he feels marriage is the way to go; I just need to get my point across. It’s not about him, it’s about marriage, and I don’t know how to make that fact any clearer. I take his face in my hands.
“I love you too and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, but can we just slow things down a bit? It’s been three weeks Gabe, three weeks and you’re proposing marriage? What if you change your mind, what if in a years’ time, you have had enough of being with me, what if you get tired of being with someone older? Where does that leave me?”
Okay – so that’s not where I was originally going with this, but now I’m thinking – perhaps my age, issues and hang ups are really what are going on here, perhaps they are what are holding me back from making any kind of commitment.
“Is that what this is all about?” He shakes his head at me. “If I wasn't 100% sure of my feelings, I would not be having this conversation, your age is totally irrelevant to me, I love you, not your date of birth and you are the only woman I have ever wanted to marry. Nobody knows completely what's going to happen over the space of a year. Look at how much our lives have changed in less than a month.”
He wraps his arms around me tighter. We are still sitting on the ground in the middle of the drive, Gabe’s back is leaning against the car and I’m sitting in his lap.
“I love you enough to take a chance Lauren, I am sure enough of my feelings to make that commitment to you now, it’s taken my whole life to have these feelings, I’m thirty five, I know who I am and what I want from life. At least I did until you turned up and rocked it, but I love that, I love you and I don’t plan on letting you go. Ever. All this insecurity has got to stop baby, I love you, you and everything that makes you who you are. I’m not him.”
His eyes are searching mine; darting over my face, then back to my eyes. One last try at making myself clear.
“I don't think I believe in marriage anymore Gabe, I don't know right now if I ever want to get married again, right now I actually think it's pointless. I want to be with you, but why make vows you don’t intend to keep? Marriage let me down once, I’m just not ready to go there again yet.”
“So once again, I am left to deal with all the issues, shit and miss trust he has left you with?”
Jeeeezus! I’m banging my head against a wall here – that last comment instantly pisses me off.
“Yes Gabe, actually you are. You have known since the beginning that if you took me on, then you would be taking on all of my shit and issues too. Perhaps you need to take a step back and have a long hard think about what you do want. Am I worth all the shit that I am obviously putting you through? Can you handle all of the issues that I have? Issues that ‘Marriage’ to that prick left me with.”
I use air quotes around the word marriage to make my point, I’m on a roll now and am far from finished yet.
“And perhaps while you’re having a little think about whether you’re man enough to take me on? I will do the same, and take some time to think about whether I want to be with someone that has most likely f*cked his way through the majority of the female population, of the state of Victoria! And just to make my life a little more difficult, I now have to work with a woman that you not only f*cked, but had a full on affair with. Do I want that, do I really need that kind of shit in my life right now? That’s what I need to be thinking about. While you consider me and my issues.”
I should have shut up, but my nasty, spiteful mouth forgets to engage my brain in this conversation. “And don’t even get me started on Jackie and how interesting and awkward that’s going to make all of our family gatherings.”
I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. That was such a low thing to say. He pushes me off his lap and stands.
“Fuck you Lauren!”
Leave it there. Leave it there Lauren. But no, my Essex smart mouthed self takes over.
“Yes please Gabe, but only if you’ve got the time between shagging my boss and your step mother.”
Noooo… I didn’t just say that did I??? Out loud??? I am the worse person on the planet, the tears that have been stinging the backs of my eyes, fall the instant that I look at his face. He looks shattered, defeated.
“Gabe,” I put my hand out too him but he knocks it away and shakes his head.
I’m so ashamed of what I’ve said. How does a marriage proposal end up like this? I turn and walk back inside, leaving him standing alone on the drive. We need some space so we can both calm down. My bottom lip is trembling as I stomp up the stairs and my tears are falling in complete mortification at what I just said to him. I grab Gabe’s cigarettes and lighter and go out onto the balcony and light one up. I hear the gates to the drive open and see his car pull out onto the esplanade and drive off. Now I can't stop the tears, I'm hurt and so f*cking angry with myself. I sob through gritted teeth.