Quintessentially Q (Monsters in the Dark #2)(82)

You know this isn’t normal. You should grieve. Go through the stages of dealing with the guilt and find absolution.

I ignored myself. I was stronger this way. I stayed alive this way.

Q shifted beside me, mumbling in his sleep. “I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you, you bastard.” His fist gripped the bedding and he snarled, “I f*cking love—” His leg struck out hitting my foot. It didn’t hurt, but the moment he made contact, I fell straight back into hell. My tower cracked, letting all the guilt and fear and never ending hatred for myself consume me.

“You think you’re free from us. You’re not. We’re coming.”

“He doesn’t love you. Nobody could.”

“Die, bitch. We’ll cut you up nice and fine.”

My head pounded, and my belly twisted with nausea; I dry heaved. The tower left me unprotected and in a bad, bad place to be.

“No. I want to go back. Don’t make me remember,” I moaned as another wrack of sickness crippled me.

“Tess?” Q murmured, half-asleep. “Shit.” He shot to his knees, helping me sit up. He grabbed a bowl from the bedside table and gathered my hair back as I retched and retched. I wished there was something inside to purge. At least then I might’ve stopped. Each wave squeezed my painful ribs until my vision greyed on the edges.

“You killed me. How could you! Don’t you know my family will never find my body?” Blonde Hummingbird wept.

In my mind, I hammered on the tower, my fists growing bloody with the need to go back in.

The guilt grew deeper and deeper, cracking my mind, making my heart race toward a dying beat.

“It’s okay, Tess. Don’t fight it. It’s okay,” Q soothed, his nostrils flared, scenting my panic.

After days of no emotion, I was sure he relished some sort of reaction from me. His eyes were alive for the first time, his body tense and hopeful.

Then the door in my tower opened wide, tumbling back into safety—granting me freedom from guilt. The retching stopped and I pushed the bowl away, dislodging Q’s grip on my hair. “Thank you.”

Q stared, shaking his head slowly. “How do you do that? You were feeling something. I could smell it. And now you’re like a shell. You smile, you talk, you heal at a miraculous pace, and yet you’re not really here.” He tossed the bowl away, anger tingeing his moves. “Speak to me, Tess. Tell me what happened.”

I looked away. “No. Don’t ask me about it.”

The darkness in the room seemed to grow as Q seethed with temper. Gone was the nursemaid; I saw glimpses of the monster who’d been covered in blood in Rio.

He gave me a heart. He placed the heart of White Man at my feet. The sudden memory made me ill and I fortified my tower even more. I’d stepped outside my safety twice now and all it brought was pain. I would never again willingly leave my safe place.

Not for Q.

Not for me.

Not for anything.

“You will talk to me, esclave.”

My eyes rose to his. “I’m not your esclave anymore. I’m sorry, Q, but what we had is gone.”

“Only because you refuse to fight. I’ve seen a lot of women come back from the shock you’re living with. It will take time, but I’ll be here for you. I’m not letting you go again.”

I sighed, wishing I didn’t have to do this. I didn’t want to break his heart, but he had to understand. My life as I knew it was over. It didn’t matter if a week past, a year, or a century. I was never stepping out of my tower again. I would explode with grief and I wasn’t strong enough to deal with such pain.

“I’m weak, Q. And I don’t want to hurt you. But I’m not in shock. This is who I am now.”

“Bullshit. You’re a fighter. So f*cking fight, Tess. I’m getting tired of you shutting me out. Do you even know how long it’s been? Nine days! Nine f*cking days where I’ve watched your body heal and your mind drift further and further away.”

He grabbed my hand, squeezing hard. “I’m not going to let you do that. Not after everything I’ve been through.”

“I can’t thank you enough for saving me, but you have to understand—”

“I don’t have to understand a goddamn thing. All you need to know is, I’ll make you come back to me. I didn’t f*cking kill the monster inside me so I could heal you and not have you whole.” He dragged hands through his hair. “I didn’t sacrifice everything just so you could live a half life!”

There was nothing for me to say. So I didn’t. I had no urge to fill the tense painful silence. I had no yearning to kiss Q and take away his hurt.

“I need to be alone,” I whispered.

Q snorted. “Alone. You need to be f*cking alone. What about what I need? What about talking to me? Helping me understand what you went through so I can help you through it. Talk to me!”

I sucked in a deep breath and delivered my parting sever. “I’ll never talk about it. Not to you, or a shrink, or Suzette, or anyone. It never happened. It doesn’t exist. And if you keep forcing me, you’ll only kill me.”

Q’s chest strained, the fluttering inked sparrows looked as stricken as the man.

I swallowed hard. “Do you want to kill me? Because if you do, keep pushing me. Keep forcing me to live with the guilt. I won’t ever tell you because if I did, you’d kill me anyway. So, leave me alone. Go away. Let me to drift away in peace.”