Quintessentially Q (Monsters in the Dark #2)(79)

“You ruined everyone’s lives, Tess. You deserve to die for your crimes.”

“You’re strong, precious, but that’s her blood under your fingernails.”

I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe!

“Get out. Get out. Get out!” I bolted upright, then immediately fell back down again. My ribs stabbed me and I saw stars, tripping into faintness. Wet coughs grabbed my lungs, drowning me even as guilt pushed me further into madness.

Drugs. I needed drugs. I needed something to dull this murdering emotional agony. I needed the smog to take me far, far away so my mind didn’t crack.

“I want to die. I deserve to die. I hurt them. All those birds. I did it. I did what they asked. Give me something. Anything!”

Hard pressure landed on my shoulders; my eyes wrenched open.

“Shit, Tess. Calm down.” Q’s tortured gaze met mine. Seeing him only sent me spiralling into more madness.

He’d found me. Just like I knew he would. But now I could never be worthy. I killed. I hurt women instead of saving them. I was the exact opposite of Q and he’d kill me if he ever found out.

I hyperventilated, panting hard. “Don’t. Please. I didn’t mean to. I know you can’t forgive me. But don’t kill me. Don’t.”

The bugs chomped harder at my flesh, tearing another scream from my lungs. “You need to beg if you want something to stop the craving, little girl.” White Man appeared and I knew what I had to do.

I grabbed at Q, fumbling with eager hands, so desperate for the calm fog. I’d do anything. Be anyone. Beg. Steal. Lie. Kill.

Oh, God. I’d kill again if I could escape this madness.

“Give me what I need. Please!”

Q cursed, hoisting me into a sitting position with his strong arms. The liquid in my lungs drained from horizontal to vertical, making my cough even worse.

He clutched my shoulders. “Don’t panic. Tess. Stop. You’re safe. You’re safe with me, mon amour.” My love.

He lied. I’d never be safe. Never be free from the haunting of my villainy. Don’t look at me. Don’t see the horrors I’ve committed.

“Tess. Goddammit, esclave.” He shook me, his fingers digging deep into my shoulders. His touch wriggled with beetles, nipping at me, devouring me alive.

If the guilt doesn’t kill me the bugs will.

“Stop it. Relax. You’re going to hurt yourself.” Q captured my chin, holding me still and every single abhorrent thing I’d done smothered me, sending me into a free-fall.

I pulled the trigger.

I swung the baseball bat.

I scratched.

I tortured.

I inflicted never ending agony on those girls.

My heart destroyed itself with every memory, unable to withstand the pain. White Man entered my thoughts. “What did I tell you about pain? Run from it like a good little slave. Do anything in your power to avoid it. Be good. Obedient. Otherwise I’ll make it twenty times worse for you.” He threw away the pliers he held and brandished a welding torch, holding it near my body.

I wanted to curl up and die. I waited for the burn, the melting of my skin. I deserved to be set on fire—burned like a witch. I was a witch. Cursed and riddled with evil.

“Do it. Kill me! I don’t deserve to live.”

“Tess, f*ck, you’re killing me. Come back to me. Stop this now!” Q’s voice changed from pleading to a roar.

I trembled. I’d never been so close to death. I felt as if I was one step away from my grave. All I had to do was let the guilt consume me and then I’d be blessedly free. Tarantulas crept over me with their furry legs and I gave up. I relinquished my sanity.

Q may have found me, but I lost my mind to what I’d done. No amount of help or cure could save me.

I let go of my straining grip on life and fell. Falling, falling, surrendering to death.

But something happened.

A wall sprang up from nowhere. Soaring into being, faster and faster. Brick by brick, mortar by mortar, a huge impenetrable barrier sprang up between me and the horrible memories. Me and what I’d become. Me and Q.

I fell deep into the heart of this newly made tower. It was lonely. It was dark. It echoed with sounds of chains and irons—being fortified with barbwire—completely impassable.

The second the noise stopped and the tower was fully erected all I felt was heavenly release. Nothing could touch me. No guilt. No pain. No memories of what I’d done.

I was free.

Opening my eyes, I stared deep into Q’s gaze, trying to figure out what just happened. He searched mine, his face hard and tired and so, so handsome.

“Are you okay?” he whispered.

His hand on my face was so familiar, but his touch was never gentle. He’d caused me pain and misery. And my tower did not permit such things.

The rest of my soul withdrew to huddle deep in the structure, sucking every last emotion, every single thing that I’d ever felt deep inside.

A void grew wide, creating a moat between the outside world and my heavily armoured mind. The guilt was gone. The pain and memories hidden. But so had everything else.

I waited for the feeling of home. The love I once felt for Q, or even fear. But there was nothing but a large cavernous hole. Everything that made me me, had disappeared deep inside my bombproof barricade.

The moat filled with creepy crawlies as the steady itch of needing something came back. My mind might be safe, but my body was being eaten alive by insects.