Pull (Seaside #2)(50)

“It helped you?” Aaron narrowed his eyes. I shifted in my seat.

Holly patted him on the hand and nodded. “I like it. Come on, Aaron. Let’s go over and sit in the corner and decide what we’re going to write.”

Soon everyone was dispersed around the room. Everyone, but Alyssa.

“Are you okay?” I tapped her on the leg with a pencil. I wanted to hold her, but she suddenly looked like the last thing she wanted was for anyone to touch her.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she whispered under her breath.

I shrugged. “Just try. I’m going to go over there.” I pointed to the kitchen. “Far, far away, so you can have your privacy, okay?

Just write what’s on your heart.”

She nodded and I walked off feeling like crap. I hated that bastard, and I hated myself for hating him. I hated her for loving him, but most of all I hated the connection I knew they still shared.





Chapter Twenty-three


Alyssa


The sheet of paper was blank. I know Demetri was trying to give me my space so I could write my letter. But I honestly had so many regrets with Brady, I didn’t even know where to start. It felt like my heart was going to explode the minute Demetri mentioned the word regret. It was like he could see right through me when his gaze met mine.

I was too ashamed to look at him.

I knew there was still this invisible chord that held my soul connected to Brady’s, even though he wasn’t here. I may as well have a sign plastered across my face that said, “A part of me still loves my ex-boyfriend and always will.”

Demetri took those feelings away, and yes I knew I needed to heal, to move away from the past, but the minute he said regret I was tempted to jump back into old habits, because my biggest regret thus far, the one that still kept me up at night, was the very thing I’d never voiced to anyone before.

My hand shook as I clenched the pencil between my fingers.

My knuckles turned white from the pressure. Sighing, I wrote one word. And in that one word every regret fit beneath.

Living.

I regretted living. Every damn day.

Staring at the word made me nauseous. All the memories flooded back — his smile, his laugh, his cocky attitude. Everything was so real in my mind, it was almost as if he was there with me on the couch. He should have been there. Suddenly angry, I wrote another word on my paper.

Hate.

I hated that he was taken from me when he was so young. I hated that I was forced to live with this grief. I hated that the only person I could blame was myself, but that even then I knew accidents happened.

A tear slid down my cheek, with shaking hands I wrote down another word.

Virginity.

Something he never got the chance to take from me. One of the many things I was never able to give him. He wouldn’t let me.

He said I was too young. Brady always refused to talk about sex. I knew he’d had sex. He wasn’t exactly a saint, but I admired that he didn’t pretend to be. He was always freakishly honest about the temptation of being the star quarterback. Girls threw themselves at him the way girls threw themselves at Demetri, except in ridiculously smaller doses. He had dated a lot of girls before me.

“Why can’t we?” I begged. Okay, begging was so lame, but I loved him, didn’t he love me too?

“Believe me.” He laughed. “I would love nothing more, but you’re so young, Alyssa. You need time to figure yourself out, and if in the end I’m still the one you want, then I’ll gladly take you up on that offer. But until then…” He sighed and kissed me on the cheek. “I just can’t do it.

Not when you don’t know about my past, about everything. It just wouldn’t be right.”

“So you’re rejecting me?” I slid away from him and looked out the window of the truck as a tear ran down my cheek.

He cursed and pulled me back into his arms, even though I fought him every inch of the way. “Stop crying,” he said gently. “Believe me, any guy who had no respect for you and no damn morals would have you in that backseat in an instant.”

“Your truck doesn’t have a backseat.”

“You know what I mean. Look at me, Alyssa.”

Begrudgingly, I turned and glared.

He laughed. “Remind me never to piss you off.”

“You’re pissing me off now.”

“Alyssa.” He moaned and then kissed me lightly on the lips. “Let me put it this way. I’m not ready to take that from you yet. You know my reputation before I met you. I just couldn’t live with myself if I messed up a good thing. And what we have is more than good. Okay?”

I nodded. I mean, I understood I guess. I just felt semi-rejected that he hadn’t wanted me. But maybe this was more.

“I want it to be me.” Brady cursed and shook his head. “You have no idea. And I don’t know what’s holding me back other than my own hang-ups and the fact that you look so damn innocent sitting there. But in the end… if something ever happened, I don’t know, at college, or if you decided you didn’t want to be with me anymore. It would kill me to know that what we shared wasn’t going to be forever.”

“Don’t be silly.” I rolled my eyes and kissed him firmly on the mouth. “We’ll be together forever.”