Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages (Silence #3)(20)

I trusted her. Nothing was going on. Nothing could be going on because it’d crush me and end us. I wanted our marriage to work. She left the kitchen, but I heard her placing our usual order. My stomach turned. What if she was cheating?

There was no way I could forgive her again. We’d be over. The thought of her with another man was painful. Did he get her fun playfulness and leave me with the withdrawn distant woman?

“Abby,” I called as I heard her say bye.

She stepped out from the living room. “Yes?”

“What’s going on? You’re distant, and it’s more than work.”

She froze for a second and then frowned. “It’s not more. Nothing is wrong. I’m tired, Jasper, that’s all.”

Tired all the time? I didn’t believe that. It was a copout.

“No, you either treat me as if I’m in the way, or you’re indifferent. Have I done something?”

She sighed. “You’ve not done anything. I have.”

The colour drained from my face. “What?” I whispered.

“All of our plans have changed, and it’s my fault. Do you think it’s easy to see the disappointment in your eyes knowing that I’m the cause? I’m angry because I hurt you and I’m angry at you for not understanding.”

“That’s shit. How many times have I told you I understand? I do, Abby, and I’ve never tried to make you feel bad about it. I am disappointed; I can’t help it, but I’ve never tried to make you feel worse about it. If you’re feeling guilty, that’s on you.”

Now I was pissed off. How dare she blame me when all I’d done was support her? I’d encouraged her to go for the Deputy Head of English and then the Head of English jobs. I was the one waiting in the car after her interview and taking her out to dinner after. How fucking dare she suggest that I want a child over her career aspirations?

“Well thank you very much! Now I feel a whole lot better!” she shouted.

“Why’re you being like this? I’m not fighting with you so lower your voice and talk to me the way you used to. What is going on?”

Her face reddened. She was angry. Well so was I.

“You’re making me out to be the bad one.”

I threw my arms up in exasperation. “I’m not making you out to be anything!”

“Don’t think I don’t know that look your mum gave you when you said we’re waiting to have a baby.”

“What look?” Jesus, I swear she sees what she wants to.

“She knew it was because of me.”

“So!”

Abby glared. “So?”

“Yeah. So. It doesn’t matter whose idea it was. We’re married, Abby, so I’ll fucking stick by whatever you want to do. I don’t care if my mum or your parents want a grandchild now if one of us isn’t ready, for whatever reason, we’re waiting.”

Tears filled her eyes, and she leant back against the wall. What the fuck now?

“I hate the way things are between us,” she whispered.

“So do I. Why is it like this? I don’t resent you for wanting to wait.”

“I feel like you do.”

“Well I’m telling you I don’t. What more can I do, Abby? Why can’t you believe me?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe because I know how much having a family means to you.”

“It means a lot, but I don’t need it right this second. I thought it meant a lot to you too?”

“It did.” She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again they were distant. “It does, but I can’t even think about it right now. There’s too much going on. I’d rather get my career to where I want it now. It’ll be harder to do it with a baby.”

“Fine,” I said. “That’s fine. I’ve never said it isn’t. You’re making this a much bigger deal than it has to be, and I don’t understand why. If you’re worried about what my mum thinks, I’ll have a word with her, but you know she loves you too. As long as we’re happy she’s happy.”

“Oh, come on. She’s much closer to Cole.”

“What? Is this jealousy because you think my mum prefers her son-in-law to you?” Fuck is she eight?

“Don’t look at me like that!” she growled. “You have no idea!”

“You’re right, I don’t, but that’s because you’re not making any damn sense!”

“I’m just sick of being the one that’s making you unhappy.”

“I’m unhappy because you’ve been cold and distant recently. We’re waiting to have a baby, fine. Let’s leave it at that and not mention it for a year or so. Can we please just get back to normal now?”

“So that’s it? Topic closed, and everything’s fine?”

Wasn’t that what she wanted?

“Yeah,” I replied. “I’ll warm some plates, I hate chow mien cold.”

Turning around, I walked deeper in the kitchen and away from her. Hopefully she’d calm down now. That had to be one of the most ridiculous and pathetic arguments we’d ever had. I still didn’t get the crap about my mum preferring Cole; she’d never treated them any different. She saw them both more because of Everleigh. And because Abby worked a lot!