Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages (Silence #3)(18)

“Please come with me. I hate seeing you like this. Just go for a couple times and if it does nothing for you I’ll never mention it again.”

She gave me her pleading look, and I groaned.

“Fine, I’ll give you two sessions and then I’m outta there.”

“Thank you. You’re not going to regret it.”



Carol wasn’t what I expected. I thought she’d be in a black suit, notebook and pen in hand and instruct me to sit back on a reclining chair. Her office was relaxed, warm and welcoming with cushions, pictures on the walls and crystal figurines on a bookshelf.

Carol herself was a welcoming person too. She had her long wispy hair pulled back in a bun. She looked as if she was about to bake for us, not tell me where I was going wrong and how to fix my life.

Oakley sat bedside me, leaning back on the sofa with her legs crossed at the knee. She looked the picture of ease while all I could think about was getting the hell out of there.

“So, Oakley tells me she practically had to drag you here,” Carol said, smiling.

I glared at my sister out of the corner of my eye. She wasn’t supposed to tell her that! “I don’t need therapy.”

“What do you need?”

“A drink.”

Carol laughed. “I’ve heard that one before. In our sessions, Oakley has expressed concern for how you’re coping with what happened.”

“I cope fine.”

“He doesn’t,” Oakley said. “He’s too stubborn and selfless to think about what he’s feeling or what he needs. Drives me crazy.”

“Sorry, should I be a selfish prick?”

She frowned and elbowed me in the ribs. “You should be more selfish, yes. I don’t want you to hold it all in because you’re scared of what it’ll do to me and mum. You can talk about him.”

“Why would I want to?” What possible reason could I ever have to think about that man ever again? After everything, I didn’t get why Oakley would want to keep on going over it.

“Because he hurt you too! It wasn’t just me, Jasper. He hurt all of us.”

“Okay,” Carol said, “let’s cool down for a minute.”

I didn’t want to ‘cool down’ I wanted to leave. I scratched my jaw and took a deep breath.

“Jasper, how do you feel about your father?”

“How the fuck do you think?”

Oakley scowled at me, telling me to stop, but I carried on regardless.

“I hate him. He could drop down dead right now, and I’d throw a party.”

Carol said nothing. Oakley lowered her head. She couldn’t tell me she didn’t feel the same.

“Have you grieved for the loss of your father? You’re allowed to miss that part of him; it’s only natural.”

I stared at her. Had she lost it? “He stopped being my father the day he let his sick pervert friend touch my little sister.” I heard Oakley’s gulp, and I took her hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I want you to talk about how you feel, remember. I just want you to be okay, Jas.”

I’d not heard her call me Jas in a fucking long time, not since we were really little kids and she used to say it to annoy me. “Well I’m fine so stop worrying.” I looked back to Carol. “She thinks I want kids to recreate a family I lost. Crazy.”

“That doesn’t sound crazy at all. In fact, it’s natural to want a family, Jasper, especially if it’s something you feel you’ve missed out on,” Carol said.

“I have a family.” Beside me, I felt my sister tense, growing frustrated with my lack of cooperation. I had to keep reminding myself that she worried about me and was only trying to help. “Look, I want a family because I want one. Not because I’m trying to fill some hole.”

I should have told her that as excited as I was to have children I was also terrified. I would never hurt my kids the way my father hurt Oakley but what if I hurt them indirectly? If I didn’t protect them from something else? The way I didn’t protect Oakley.

I was haunted by a vision of Oakley as a child, scared, alone and crying every single day. Then when Everleigh was born she was standing right beside her, scared, alone and crying. And when me and Abby were all set to start trying before she changed her mind, a girl that looked half like me and half like Abby joined them.

I didn’t want to admit that out loud and have Carol analyse it, and I didn’t want my sister to know it at all.

Carol nodded. “Good. Oakley mentioned you and your wife have put those plans on hold.”

“Did she now,” I muttered.

Oakley winced. “Sorry. I know I shouldn’t have said anything, but Carol asked if you were trying now so…”

Apparently I featured in Oakley’s sessions a lot. I had no idea how much she worried.

I shook my head. “It’s fine. That’s the point of therapy, right, to talk?”

“Was that a mutual decision, Jasper?” Carol asked.

I looked at my sister and knew she’d not discussed why me and Abby had stopped trying.

“No. Abby was being shady about it until I asked her outright. She wants a career first, and that’s fine.”

“Is it fine?”

Oakley sank back in the sofa, into the background as Carol fired her questions.