Off the Record (Off #3)(58)

“Got a minute to talk?”

“Always. Come on in.”

He ushers me into his office and it’s still as I remembered it. His furniture is light oak and the walls are wall-papered with a dark, green pattern that my mom had picked out eons ago. His degrees from Duke hang beside his desk and the floor to ceiling windows afford a look over downtown Raleigh.

I take a seat in a chair opposite of his desk and he surprises me when he takes the one beside me.

“I’m so glad you came,” he says.

I fumble with the hands laying in my lap, my gaze on them. I briefly wonder what Linc is doing right at this moment and wonder what he would say to me right now if he could see me.

I make no pretense at small talk and raise my eyes to look directly into his. “Why should I forgive you?”

He blinks in surprise, but then his eyes soften. “Because I’m asking you to. Because somehow, I didn’t have the strength to deserve you and your mother, and I made the biggest mistake of my life. And the only one that can make this better is if you have the strength to forgive me.”

“But there’s nothing you can say to excuse what you did.”

He sighs. “No, there’s not. And I wouldn’t even try. The only thing you need to know is that it was all my fault, and there is nothing that I wouldn’t give to go back and have a second chance with my choices. But I can’t. The only thing I can do is hope and pray that you will forgive me. It’s my hope that you still have some love for me...because when you love someone, you forgive their mistakes.”

“So you are putting this all on me. You’re saying if I don’t forgive you, then I don’t love you...or I don’t have the power to have that type of love.”

My dad is a bit taken aback by the vehemence in my voice. “No, honey. I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying love has a lot to do with the power of forgiveness. It’s what gives us the ability to consider it.”

Now that has my attention. Nothing he could ever say would justify what he did to me and mom. But I have to give careful consideration to his claim that love and forgiveness might be related.

Because if that is correct, then I can only hope that Linc loves me enough to forgive me.

“Is that why mom forgave you? Because she still loved you?”

My dad leans forward in his chair so that his gaze is focused more intently on me. “I don’t know, Ever. But I am thankful every day that your mother did so. I suspect that her love was what gave her that power. Oh, she doesn’t love me the way she used to, but she loved me enough to understand my weakness.”

I chew on that morsel. Linc definitely understands my weakness. He knows the root of my issues and he gently prodded me to overcome them. Unfortunately, I was too scared by the prospect of failure, and so I pushed back harder in the opposite direction.

And that only succeeded in actually pushing him away from me.

I know what I need to do. I have to open myself up, completely. I need to flay myself wide and allow the possibility of hurt, rejection and pain to knock on my door. I can hope that it won’t reach me, but I need to give it the chance. I need to do that if I am ever going to have a chance at real love with Linc.

I take a deep breath and tell my dad the words he needs to hear. But more importantly, I say the words that are imperative to free me from these chains that have been holding me back.





I hate to admit it, but I love the Phoenix area. It’s hotter than hell and that will take some time to get used to, but I found a nice house in the city of Glendale. I decided to go with a house so I could have a yard. I’d like to get a dog because I’m lonely as hell.

When I made the move to Arizona, I was pleasantly surprised to find a welcoming committee on my doorstep within just a few days of settling in. Two of my new teammates, Nikolai Garin and Zane Kavanaugh, stood there with a case of beer and two pizzas. They are both new to the team, both having joined the NHL just last year.

We hung out and played XBox, which was about the only thing I had set up in my house. Since then, they were quickly becoming good friends, both of them easy going and funny as hell. They were also single, like me, and they liked to party hard.

I soon realized not everyone took off season training as seriously as I did—as evidenced by the beer and pizza that they showed up with. And because I was nursing feelings of anger and loneliness, I succumbed to letting these guys drag me out to go clubbing most evenings.

Niko and Zane were both high on their fame and capitalized on their good looks. They usually both went home with a woman they picked up each night that we went out. I merely went to pass the time and to try to drown my sorrows in alcohol.

I miss my dad and Nix, but I miss Ever more. I’m not sleeping well and it’s because I don’t have her warm body pressed up against mine. I’m not able to wrap my arms around her and breath in her strawberry fields. I didn’t realize what a comfort that was until it was gone.

I still burn with anger when I think of the last time I saw her. I’m pissed as hell that she couldn’t be stronger. That she would so easily give up on what we had. Admittedly, I probably freaked her out when I told her I loved her but I wouldn’t think about taking that back. I shoot straight and I talk truthfully.

My email chimes this morning with a message from Nix. I eagerly open it up, searching for those few moments that would chase the loneliness away. Instead, I get doused with a bucket of metaphorical ice water.