Off the Record (Off #3)(56)

I’m tired, and I’m miserable, and I’m lonely.

Linc has been gone for ten days, and I only know that because Emily called me on the day he left. It’s been thirteen total days since I last saw him. Since that night I crushed his heart, and in the process, inadvertently crushed mine.

Thinking back to that night rips pain straight through me. I had never packed so quickly in my life, throwing all of my possessions into my suitcases and wrestling them downstairs to meet the cab I had called.

When I got home, I turned angry. Angry that Linc would put that pressure on me. Furious that he would disrupt what we had.

I mean, I hated that he would be moving to Phoenix. But, couldn’t we have worked something out. Maybe where we could still see each other. A long distance relationship...yes, why couldn’t we have that?

Turning on my computer, I pulled up a blank Word document. Then I started writing. I poured out every bit of hurt that was welling up inside of my body. I entitled the ramblings in my head, Rangers Goalie Loses In Shoot Out.

I laid every hurt right on Linc’s doorstep. I lamented how he didn’t give me enough time. How he pressured me. How he didn’t understand my insecurities or my pain. I blamed him for causing me to open up to him in the first place, and then for shooting me down when I couldn’t meet his standards. Most of all, I cursed him for calling me a coward and comparing me to my father.

I wrote for a solid two hours and filled up fourteen pages with my own internal dialogue. And when I was done, I printed it and read it. I even proofed it for errors and then made changes from my red-line edits.

I printed it again, and I read it. I felt vindicated. I felt powerful, and I felt in control.

When I went to read it a third time, I stumbled over the first line I had written.

Linc Caldwell is no different than any other man I’ve had the misfortune to encounter.

I read it again, trying not to stutter over the meaning of what I was trying to say.

And something weird started to happen to me. First, a slight buzzing filled my ears and I could feel my blood rushing through my veins. I went to take a deep breath, and realized that I had no lung capacity. A tiny squeak came out, and I sucked in again...harder this time. Then a twisting cramp hit the center of my chest so hard, I doubled over in pain. I moaned, long and low, trying to expel the hurt from my heart. And then...and then my eyes flooded with tears.

They came on fast, like a torrential downpour. They ran over my cheeks, down my face, and slid in rivers along my neck. I made no effort to blink them away, not that it would have done any good. Instead, I let them gush out. When the racking sobs hit my throat, I clutched at my chest with my hands, wanting to tear my heart out. The pain was unbearable, and I was confused over this onslaught of emotion.

It had hit me from nowhere, and it showed no signs of slowing.

I moved to my couch and buried my face in a pillow. And I cried, and I cried, and then I cried some more. At one point, I cried so hard, I couldn’t catch my breath and I almost hyper-ventilated.

It was minutes...maybe hours...but finally the onslaught started to abate. I must have blown my nose at least twenty time and I popped three Excedrin to work on the excruciating headache that had formed.

Stumbling into my bathroom, I flipped on the light and looked at my face. It was ravaged by grief. I had never looked so forlorn in all of my life.

And there was only one reason.

I had destroyed my one chance at happiness with Linc Caldwell.

The man who was indeed, so very different than every other man I had encountered in my life.





I’m jolted out of my memories by the doorbell ringing. I’m expecting Emily. She wanted to come by and see me and I reluctantly agreed.

I’ve been avoiding her since she called me on the day Linc left. She has called, texted and emailed me. She has said she is worried about me, and finally, she said she had some news on Linc so I decided to see her. My curiosity was overwhelming me, and frankly, I needed something about him to hold on to.

“About damned time you opened the door. I’ve been ringing it like crazy,” Emily grumbles as she walks in.

“Sorry. I was...” What? Lost in grief and misery? “I was on the phone.”

She sets her purse down and looks at me. “Seriously...you look like shit. Are you even eating or sleeping?”

I bite the inside of my cheek as the pain starts creeping up in my chest. If it erupts, I’ll start crying again. Which is all I seem to be doing lately.

“Ever? Are you okay?”

I sit down heavily on my couch. “No, I’m not okay. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

Emily sits down beside me and puts her hand on my back, rubbing it soothingly. “Talk to me. Tell me how I can help.”

Her words are comforting. “I f*cked up, Em. I f*cked up big time.”

She just looks at me with sympathy. She knows the deal. She knows that Linc left, and he refused to tell Nix and Emily what was going on between us. He only told them it was over. I know this, because Emily had emailed me, demanding to know what had happened. I had deleted that email, just as I had the subsequent three she had sent me.

“Lay it on me, and then let’s figure out how to get you out of this mess.”

I take a deep breath. “Linc said he loved me. And that he wanted me to go to Phoenix with him. And like the idiot loser that I am...I told him no. That I couldn’t go with him. And Emily...it was horrible. Linc was so angry, and he said things that were awful, but they were so true. And now...now I’ve lost him. I’ve lost the most wonderfully, fantastic man in the entire world.”