Never Standing Still (The Never Duet #1)(42)

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

“Well, that’s a lie,” he said softly. “You might not know the right words, but you know how you feel, and I wish you would tell me.”

I was silent for a minute, my heart thundering in my chest, trying to find the courage to tell him anything. When I finally was able to put some thoughts into words, his eyes were soft and he listened.

“It was easier when you were far away,” I said first, my voice quiet, but still loud enough to be heard over the bar noises. “You felt less threatening when you were just a voice on the phone.” I noticed he tensed at my words and I panicked a little, not wanting to offend or hurt him. “Not, like, physically threatening. More like an emotional threat. This isn’t making any sense,” I said dejectedly, pulling my hand through my hair.

“Please keep going. I want to hear what’s going on inside your head, Kalli. It doesn’t have to change anything. I’ll still go back to San Francisco and leave you alone if you want me to after this, but I think we owe it to each other to be honest about it.”

I took a deep breath and went on. “It hadn’t occurred to me how much I’d started to care for you until you were here, in front of me, touching me. I knew I was excited to see you, excited to be with you, but nothing could have prepared me for how I would feel when you put your hands on me in that bed. It was really scary.”

“Scary how?”

“Scary because I’d never felt that way with anyone else. I’d never let a man touch me and thought about not letting any other man touch me ever again. Because anyone else’s touch would pale in comparison to yours. I’d never been in a position of needing anyone, and I knew if we were together, I’d need you.”

“It’s okay to need someone, baby. Or to want them, even. That’s normal.” His voice was so soft and comforting. He reached across the table and took my hand. I let him hold it, let myself feel this thumb brushing over my skin. But eventually, I continued.

“Here’s the thing.” I took in a breath and it shuddered, nerves and years of pent up sadness finding their way to the surface. “The only man I’ve ever needed left me.” Before I could even feel the tear slip down my cheek, Riot had moved to my side of the booth, his arm was around me, and he pressed his lips against my temple. I leaned in to him, just like I’d wanted to a million times since I’d pushed him away, and let myself melt against him. “When you were in California, it was easier. You were there, I was in Seattle. We were already far apart. There was still something left between us. And I guess it was space, but it was also sex. I don’t know,” I whispered, pressing my face into his neck, my mind growing tired of thinking all the heavy thoughts.

“No, I get it. I think it might have been easier for you to open up to me because I was on the phone and not right in front of you. If I’m in front of you, I can turn my back on you. But Kalli,” he said, pulling away and putting his finger under my chin, lifting my face toward his. “I’m not going to turn my back on you. I couldn’t. I’m in too deep.”

“What does that mean?” I whispered.

He was quiet for a moment, his eyes searching mine. When he finally spoke, he did it as he ran his thumb across my bottom lip, watching it trail across my skin there. “Think of it like this: there’s a rope between us, tying me to you, wherever you go—I go. And if I go one way, you come with me. Does that make sense?” he asked, still looking at his thumb on my lip. I nodded slightly, mesmerized by his touch and his words. “So, when we’re apart, do you feel the pull of the rope?”

I nodded again, because I did. I felt it all the time, but only in this moment, with his face so close to mine and his arm so snug around me, did I recognize it for what it was—a connection.

“That’s me, tethered to you. That’s us. Together.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss against my mouth, sweet and soft. “You can fight it if you need to, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still tied to you, and you to me. You’re mine.”

In that moment I wanted nothing more than to let my guard down and give in to him, allow myself to just let go.

“It’s not that simple,” I said.

“Why not? What’s complicated about it?” he asked, his hand moving to push a lock of hair behind my ear, then resting on my neck in his way that made it hard for me to breathe.

“Marcus.”

“Marcus isn’t a complication,” he said immediately, his gaze never faltering from mine. “Marcus is your brother and I get that.”

“He’s not just my brother; he’s my responsibility. I can’t just jump into a relationship with someone and jeopardize him that way.” My voice was shaky and adrenaline started coursing through me, coming to my brother’s defense.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Riot whispered, bringing my body closer to his, pulling me in, recognizing my panic. “I’m not trying to upset you. I just want to talk about it. Whatever you decide I’ll deal with, but just talk to me.”

“Our lives are already not optimal. My job keeps me away from him a lot of the time. And I don’t know what I’d do without Nancy, but she’s not his mom. He’s not her responsibility. I can’t spend time away from him to be with a man.”