Never Standing Still (The Never Duet #1)(39)
“I don’t want to talk about bedrooms, Kalli. I just want to feel you, underneath me, in a bed.” His hands found my wrists and he pulled them up above my head, clasping them both together with just one of his huge hands. “I’ve been dreaming of getting you beneath me for weeks, Kalli. Months if I’m really honest with myself. Ever since I watched you walk onto that soundstage.”
“Well, it looks like you got your wish,” I said breathily as I stared into his caramel eyes.
“Did I?” He sounded sullen all of a sudden, and I couldn’t help but become concerned. But before I could say anything to him, his lips were lowering to mine and my eyes were closing in anticipation of the contact.
When his lips met mine, my body went pliant and obedient, and he melted into me. My knees drew up around his waist, he settled into me, and I welcomed him. My body molded around his, needing every bit of contact he offered. His left hand still pinned my wrists above my head, but his right hand came to my waist, his fingers brushing the skin just underneath the hem of my shirt.
His hand inched up, his mouth moved over mine, tongue swiping past my lips, his deep voice growling a moan into me. When his hand came to barely brush the edge of my bra, I froze. My heart started beating rapidly and my breathing quickened. Both were too fast, both were uncomfortable. As quickly as my lungs were working, my breath was shallow and I couldn’t get in enough air. I started to panic. I pulled on my wrists and Riot quickly got the message and released me.
Once my hands were free, I pushed him off me and rolled over, finally feeling like I could take a deep breath. I sat up, putting a shaking hand to my face, trying to simply regain any semblance of calm.
“Kal, what’s wrong?” Riot asked from behind me.
I couldn’t answer so I just shook my head. His hand came to my shoulder and the panic that had started to subside slammed back into me, so I pulled away and tried to stand.
“Kalli, what’s going on?” he asked again; this time the worry in his voice was thick.
I couldn’t listen to his voice, couldn’t hear his concern, so I stood and on wobbly legs made my way to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. Once inside, I took a few more deep breaths and started to feel the panic ebb a little.
I filled the little cup by the sink with water and took a sip, closing my eyes for just a moment, trying to figure out what in the world had gone wrong.
I startled when there was a soft knock at the door.
“Kalli, I’m going crazy out here. Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I replied, but my voice was shaky and weak. “I’ll be out in just a minute.” I gripped the edge of the counter and stared at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world was wrong with me. I’d wanted Riot for weeks now. Long, torturous weeks we’d spent dancing around the idea of being together. Phone sex had only happened the one time and after that I felt like anything besides actually being with him would pale in comparison, so I’d never let our phone conversations go that far again. But, man, we’d teased each other. Talked each other in circles with what we’d do to each other, how much we were longing to just be together. And now that he was here, in the next room, a room with a bed, I’d managed to have my very first panic attack.
What in the actual f*ck?
My head dropped. I was clearly crazy. Who pushed a man like Riot Bentley off her? I took a few more deep breaths. I looked to the door and I knew he was on the other side waiting for me. My eyes closed and all I saw was Riot over me, pressing me into the mattress, and my breath hitched in my throat. I snapped my eyes open and shook my head, trying to shake off the visual.
I opened the bathroom door to see Riot standing squarely in front of it, arms crossed, chest out, eyes worried, and jaw tensed.
“Are you all right?” His words were curt and sharp.
“Yeah,” I answered meekly.
“What happened?”
I moved forward and thanked him silently for stepping aside and letting me pass into the bedroom. I eyed the bed again, the comforter obviously mussed from us, but I couldn’t let my eyes linger there, so I moved to the window to look out at the ocean and the sun setting on the horizon.
“I’m not sure,” I said, resting my palms on the wide windowsill. “All of a sudden, it was just all… too much, I guess.”
“What was? I was? I’m sorry, Kalli. I didn’t mean to push you—”
“No, it wasn’t you. You didn’t do this.” I took another deep breath. “There’s something wrong with me,” I said, wiping away a tear that had suddenly appeared from nowhere, without warning. “There are fundamental things wrong with me, Riot. I shouldn’t have let you get this close; shouldn’t have given in to it.” I turned just slightly and saw him still standing between the bed and the door. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m still really confused. What exactly is it that you think is wrong with you? ’Cause, to me, you seem pretty f*cking perfect.”
His words sliced through me, causing more phantom tears to run down my face. “You can’t keep saying all these nice things to me, please. It only makes it harder.”
“Makes what harder?”
“Walking away from you.”
“Listen, I understand if you need to take things slower. I get it and I’m sorry. I can take it down a notch, Kalli. I swear I can, and I will. But you’re not walking away from me. I won’t let you. Just talk to me.” He sounded so sure, but also a little broken. He took a step toward me but I held up my hand to stop him. I couldn’t be any closer to him.