Never Let You Go(95)

Now I see Marcus’s face change from confusion to horror and finally to anger. What did you do? Why did you lie to me? And then I know it’s over. It’s all over.

I open my eyes. Why did I have that thought? Marcus wouldn’t judge me for what I did that night. But now I can’t stop thinking about how I watched those pills fall into Andrew’s glass of whiskey, how I swirled the spoon around and around until they dissolved.

I glance over at Marcus, the shadowed outline of his shoulder. Should I tell him? How do I explain that I drugged my ex-husband? Would it change his feelings for me? Jenny would probably tell me to keep it to myself. There’s no reason he needs to know.

I leave Marcus to sleep and go into the living room. The fire has gone out, leaving the air chilly. I wrap one of the throw blankets around me like a shawl, then hunt through the cupboards for the coffee beans and brew a pot, gazing out the window at the lake while I wait for it to finish. I can’t help but wonder if Marcus’s ex-wife ever stood like this. When I walk over to the fridge for milk, I’m surprised to see a note from Sophie stuck under a magnet.

Went into town. Borrowed Marcus’s car. Sorry, didn’t want to wake you. Back soon. XO

What the hell is she thinking? The roads will be a mess and she’s not used to driving a big SUV. I imagine her hitting potholes and sliding on the loose gravel. I reach for my phone to tell her to come back, then I remember we don’t have cell service. I check the landline. It’s dead. Of course. That’s probably why she went into town. She wanted to call Jared or Delaney.

I hear footsteps behind me and spin around. Marcus is wearing jeans and a T-shirt, his hair rumpled and his face shadowed after two days with no shaving. He gives me a sleepy smile.

“Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

He wraps his arm around my waist. “You’re worth getting out of bed for.” He notices the note in my hand. “What’s that?”

“Sophie took your car and went into town.”

He steps back, raises his eyebrows. “I found her in the kitchen last night getting water and we talked about Jared—they broke up. I suggested she wait to talk to him, but she must have decided to take matters into her own hands. I forgot about the impulsiveness of teenagers.”

I’m startled to hear that Sophie and Jared broke up. Why hadn’t she said anything? Obviously that’s why she’s been moping around. I’m glad she confided in Marcus, but am hurt that she kept it from me. “I can’t believe she just ran off. I’ll speak to her when she gets back.”

“She might not be long.” He looks out the window. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the roads are still blocked with trees.”

“I hope she doesn’t get stuck.”

“If she does, she can walk back. It’s not that far.”

I nod and tell myself he’s right. “I guess I need to get used to this feeling. Once she goes away to school, she’ll have her own life.”

“And so will you.” He presses his mouth against mine for a kiss, but I can’t relax into it. He raises his head, gives me a look. “What’s up? I brushed my teeth.” He smiles.

“I just need my coffee. I’m still half asleep.” I gently pull out of his arms and busy myself with pouring two cups. “Let’s go into the living room.”

He sits on the couch and I settle beside him. The lake is calm outside the window, the surface smooth as glass. The trees are still. If I want to tell him about the night of the accident, this is a good time, but I falter inside. I look over at him, his kind eyes and his reassuring smile. He’s a wonderful person, I remind myself. I can trust him.

“I woke up thinking about something I did in the past,” I say. “A mistake that I made when I was married. It happened a long time ago, but it still bothers me sometimes.”

“And you aren’t sure whether you should tell me?”

“I’m just worried, I guess, that it might change things.”

“Lindsey, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.” He reaches out and holds my free hand. “Nothing will change. I promise.”

I stare into my coffee. I’ve gone too far now, can’t pull back and laugh this one off. I take a breath. “The night I ran away, I gave Andrew something so he’d sleep. I was just so scared he’d wake up, you know?” I’ve told Marcus how Andrew had choked me the first time I tried to leave and I’m glad I don’t have to go into that now. This is hard enough.

“You mean like sleeping pills?

I nod. “My brother got them for me because I was too scared to get a prescription. Andrew had started tracking my finances even closer after he discovered I was secretly taking birth control pills. I didn’t tell you about that either.…” I look up at his face, waiting to see how he reacts to this new revelation, but his expression is still understanding.

“I’m not surprised,” he says. “Of course you didn’t want to get pregnant when you were in an abusive marriage.” He gives my hand a squeeze.

My body relaxes. I didn’t realize how these secrets had been eating at me, how much it means to be able to finally share them with Marcus.

“I was going to give him a few of the sleeping pills, but he’d been drinking a lot that night and I was worried if I gave him too many, he’d die. So I only dropped two into his glass.”