Never Let You Go(96)

“That seems smart. You had to get out of that house.”

“Yes, but he must have woken up—maybe he got sick from the mixture. I don’t know what happened. Later, I realized I might have left the cotton from the bottle on the counter. All these years, I wasn’t sure, but when Andrew approached me outside the bank, he said something that made me realize he did know I drugged him. That’s why he was so angry that night.”

“You blame yourself for the accident?”

“I know logically that he was the one who chose to get behind the wheel, but the thing about Andrew was that even when he was drinking, he could still drive okay. He was usually more careful. Sometimes I couldn’t even tell. I think the pills changed his coordination. After the accident I read online that some people sleepwalk when they drink and take sleeping pills.”

Marcus is just watching me, his eyes intense.

“Can you say something?”

“Sorry. I was waiting for you to finish. It sounds like you’ve been torturing yourself over this for a long time, and I understand. Trust me, I understand, but you need to forgive yourself.”

“Even though it’s my fault that woman died?”

“Elizabeth,” he says.

I pause, surprised to hear him say her name.

He catches my look. “You mentioned it once.”

I nod. “Right. Elizabeth. I just can’t help thinking if I hadn’t drugged him, he wouldn’t have lost control of the truck. Or if I’d just given him more pills.…”

“You’d probably be in prison right now and Sophie wouldn’t have a mother. You can imagine a thousand different scenarios, Lindsey, but you aren’t responsible for his choices. The chances of it being a sleepwalking situation are pretty rare. He knew what he was doing.”

I lean back against the couch. “I’ve told myself that so many times, but I don’t think I’ve ever believed it until now. I was so scared you’d think I was a terrible monster.”

“Not even close. We’re all capable of doing things we never thought possible.” He gives my hand a squeeze, reaches for his coffee mug, and takes a sip.

I smile at him. “What have you ever done that’s so bad?”

He smiles back. “Well, apparently I’m dating a monster.”

I lightly punch his shoulder. “That’s not nice!”

He winces and pretends to rub at the spot. “See? She’s a dangerous woman.”

I laugh, lean forward, and give his arm a kiss. “You’re right, I’m very dangerous.” I take the mug out of his hand, and set it on the table, then slide my hand up his my forearm, to the sensitive spot at his elbow, where I rub a slow circle with my thumb. He gives me a look.

“How about we take advantage of our alone time?” I say.

He hesitates. “I was hoping to get out on the lake soon.”

“This won’t take long.” I stand up and straddle his body, kiss him until his mouth opens. We stumble to the bedroom, toss our clothes onto the floor, and collapse onto the bed. We make love, our hands entwined over his head, our breaths mingling. I can’t see his eyes, his face buried in my neck, but I can feel his desperate need for release, our bodies rocking together. Every time I slow, his hands sink into my flesh, urging me on.





CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN


SOPHIE



The house is quiet when I tiptoe down the stairs. I move extra slowly, waiting for a moment in between each step. I don’t want to wake Marcus this time. Angus’s toenails tap on the floor as he follows me and I stop to take off his collar so it doesn’t jingle. I put my finger to my lips. “Shush!” He looks at me as though he understands. I let Angus out for a pee and quickly scrawl a note, debate about where to leave it, and finally settle for on the fridge. I’ll get a coffee in town. When Angus comes back in, I coax him onto his blanket with a bone stuffed with peanut butter, then sneak out of the house before he catches on that we’re not going for a walk.

I feel bad about using Marcus’s Cherokee without asking—and a little freaked out. It’s brand-new, without a single scratch. I drive slowly, my hands tight on the wheel. I’ll be extra-careful. I won’t park by any other cars and I’ll wash it after our trip. Hopefully he’ll just be so happy he and Mom are getting married that he’ll let my auto theft slide. Every kid gets one get-out-of-jail-free card, right? Though maybe that’s for real parents. Real fathers. I think about my dad. He would have let me use his truck. He was even going to buy me my own car.

No. I’m not going to think about that anymore. Andrew is gone and I can’t make anything up to him, but Jared is still alive and I’m not letting him go this time.

The road is rough, the tires slogging through deep puddles. I fumble with different buttons until I think I’ve put the Cherokee in four-wheel drive. Isn’t there something about speed? You can’t use four-wheel drive on a highway? I don’t know, I don’t know. What was I thinking? I don’t want to kill his transmission. Some of the branches scattered across the road are so big I can feel them scrape against the undercarriage. I hope I don’t rip off the muffler.

When I come to a junction, I slow down and try to think which way to turn. There are no direction signs and nothing looks familiar. I’d been sitting in the back the whole drive, playing on my phone. All I remember is Marcus saying something about all the logging roads in the area.