Never Let You Go(90)

“I don’t get it. Yesterday you were telling me how much fun we’re going to have.”

“I just want one week alone. Why is that such a problem?”

“You’re making it a problem.”

I got off the bed and grabbed my backpack and coat. “I’m going home.”

He grabbed my arm. “Stop it,” he said. “We need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I already told you I wanted a break, but now I think we should make that permanent.” I’m a runaway train, smashing through mountains.

He was gripping my arm hard and he looked desperate. “I won’t let you do this.”

“You won’t let me?” I pulled free, his fingertips digging into my skin.

“Just don’t decide right now.” His voice was hoarse and his eyes black and shiny like pools of ink. I could dip my pen in and draw his heart breaking all over a page in my sketchbook, then I could tear it out, or put it back together again.

“Please?” he said. “I’ll give you space—just don’t end everything.”

I hesitated. Was this really happening? Were we really breaking up? “I don’t know. I have to go.” I moved through the house, frantic to get outside, to breathe the fresh air.

He followed me out to the front steps, still in his socks even though it was pouring rain. “Wait. I’ll drive you home. Don’t be stupid. You’ll get soaked.”

I looked at him standing there in his T-shirt, his shoulders up near his ears, and the rain falling down around us. I remembered my father pulling up beside me in his truck. Get in.

“I’ll call Delaney,” I shouted through the torrent. Then I was running. My feet plunged through cold puddles that splashed water up my calves. Running, running, running.



He texted me a bunch of times that night, my phone lighting up in the dark. Why can’t we talk? Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong?

I didn’t have any answers, couldn’t explain the panicked feeling inside of me, and I finally had to turn my phone off. In the morning, I saw his car in the distance when I walked to the bus stop, but I didn’t wave to him and he drove off. I spotted him a few times in between classes and he was always with his friends, staring at me. After school he was waiting by my locker.

“You can’t just ignore me,” he said.

I shoved my books into my backpack. “I told you I needed to be alone.”

“Something changed and I want to know what. Did you meet someone else? Is that it?”

“No,” I hissed at him. “Do you really want to have this conversation right now?” Other kids were giving us curious glances as they walked past.

“Can we go to my house and talk? I want to fix this.”

“There’s nothing to fix.” I thought about how to explain my feelings. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Something inside me just shut off, okay? I don’t know why, but it’s like I can’t get back to my happy feelings. The more you push and push at me, the further it goes away.”

“Just come over to my house for a little while.”

“I have to pack.”

“You can’t leave like this.”

“Well, I’m not going to your house. So what are you going to do? Kidnap me?” I slammed my locker and walked away. When I looked back, he’d disappeared.

Delaney drove me home. I told her I’d had a fight with Jared and we’d broken up.

“Why did you do that?” she said. “I thought you guys were in love.”

“I don’t know.” I was crying because I was sad, but I was confused too. “I can’t explain it,” I said. “It was all too much and I couldn’t breathe. I just couldn’t breathe.”

She gave me a sympathetic look. “I’m really sorry. Do you want to go for coffee?”

“Okay.” I stared out the window, watching the trees whipping past. I was shaking, my hands and body so cold. I tucked my hands under my legs to hold them still. Coffee would be good. We’d talk and Delaney would help me understand why I just blew up my life.



An hour later Delaney dropped me off. I watched as she sped up the driveway and turned back onto the road. There was the sound of tires on wet pavement, then silence. I half wished I were still with her so we could talk more, but it wouldn’t have helped. She’d asked me a bunch of questions about my feelings (stuff her therapist asked when her parents divorced), but all I could say was, “I don’t know what happened,” which somehow made everything feel worse.

Angus jumped all over me when I opened the front door and almost knocked me over while I tried to get my shoes off. “Cut it out!” I said, pushing him out of the way when he licked my ear. He needed a walk, but all I could think about was how good it would feel to crawl into my bed. I’d take him later if I got the energy. I just needed to shut everything out.

I stopped at the doorway to my room. A box was in the middle of my bed. I walked over slowly. It was things I’d left at Jared’s house. One of my scarves, a couple of books, a pair of earrings—and the photo he’d taken of me. I glanced at the window, noticed the footprints on the sill. Jared had snuck in a few times to spend the night with me and I guess I never locked it again.