Never Giving Up (Never #3)(51)
“We made a perfect little girl.”
He kissed my forehead. “You did most of the work.”
“Well, that I won’t argue with you about.” I sighed and leaned my head against him again, exhaustion taking me over.
“I was really scared there for a little while.” His voice was still quiet, but now it was hesitant and almost weak. I looked up at him, wondering what in the world could ever possibly make my husband sound so broken.
“What do you mean?”
“For a while there I was afraid you and the baby weren’t going to make it through that delivery. You were so brave and so determined, but she just wasn’t coming out. You were bleeding so much and trying so hard . . .” His voice trailed off and I watched him take a few shuddering breaths, his fingers never leaving the baby’s fine hair peeking out of her hat. “I refused to let myself think what would happen to me if I lost you, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared today.” He turned his face to look at me, eyes wet but not spilling over with tears. “I don’t ever want to find out what life is like without you. I need you, Ella. We need you.”
I thought about his words and tried to imagine what the birth must have looked like from his point of view. I imagine I would have been nervous and scared had I witnessed that too.
“What’s funny,” I began, hoping my insight might make him feel a little better, “is that I wasn’t ever once concerned about myself or the baby.” I leaned back against his arm and looked down at Mattie, still comfortably sleeping in her father’s arms. “I just kept thinking that I only had one job and that was to get her out. I was going to push and push and push until she was here. But when the doctor said it was now or never, I just knew it was up to me.” I shrugged a little, my eyes drifting closed. “I just did what I had to do to protect her,” I said, sleepily.
We sat there in silence for a few moments and I could feel myself drifting away. I was nearly asleep when I had a thought of panic and I sat up, looking around for the baby. I breathed a quick sigh of relief to see Porter still awake and looking down on her.
“I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with her in the bed. Maybe you could take her to the rocking chair? Or put her in the bassinette?”
“Sure. No problem,” he said, slowly standing up and moving to the chair.
“But, uh, Porter?”
“Yeah?” He said as his beautiful brown eyes found mine.
“Don’t fall asleep while you’re holding her. If you get tired just put her down, ok?”
He laughed at me and smiled. “Don’t worry, Ella. I’m not going to break her. But I promise I’ll put her down if I get tired.”
“Thank you.” I laid back down and pulled the thin hospital blanket up around my shoulders.
“Ella?”
“Yes?” My head sunk into the pillow and I felt myself starting to relax.
“Thank you for giving me a family.”
I opened my eyes and saw him staring down at Mattie and I saw so much love beaming down on her. “Yeah, well, thanks for being a good son and driving a total stranger home in a rain storm.”
He looked over at me and we both smiled, knowing that so much more was in store for us.
The first two weeks of having a new baby was nothing like I had expected it to be. I can’t really remember what I was expecting, mainly because remembering anything, including my own name, at some points was a stretch.
Mattie was the perfect baby—during the day. She slept beautifully—during the day. She cooed and cried and opened her beautiful eyes every once in a while to take in her surroundings. But at night, well, things could have gone better. The baby cried, I cried, and sometimes Porter looked as though he was a deer in headlights. The poor man didn’t know up from down some days and there were times I was no help at all. I had my fair share of breakdowns in the darkness of night, having absolutely no idea why my baby cried for hours.
One thing I did learn, though, throughout all the madness of that transitional time, was that sometimes you had to throw out all the advice and parenting books you’d read and just listen to your baby. Mattie wouldn’t sleep or stop crying until she laid directly on me. So guess where she slept? That’s right: on me. This particular arrangement made it difficult for me to sleep, but I was happy to lay in the dark, half dozing, if it was quiet and Mattie wasn’t crying. Porter did everything he could to help; if she was awake, he was awake. But if she was sleeping it made no sense for him to lie awake with me. I used those quiet moments in the dark to reflect on how much my life had changed, to imagine where we’d be in another year’s time.
Thankfully, I never found myself drifting into the darkness in my mind. The events surrounding my shooting and Kyle would seep into my thoughts at times, but I never wallowed. I allowed myself to process the thoughts, I even wrote some of them down if I thought it would be helpful in court, but then I moved on. I let my mind wander elsewhere. I never panicked and I never worried. It was a new feeling of being content I’d never experienced.
I also expected that after having a baby, for a little while at least, my sex drive would be gone and, in some ways, it was. I definitely didn’t want to have sex; sitting was a hardship sometimes. But seeing Porter shirtless holding our baby, talking to her about her day, was the biggest turn on ever. He was so gentle with her, so careful. If I had thought he’d used soft hands with me before, I was wrong. He was soft with Mattie, soft for her. The sun rose and set with her. She had the secrets to the universe and he tried to coax them out of her every evening, rocking with her, telling her stories, running his fingers over the soft hair on her head.