Moth(71)

I remain at her side until that second day when the people closest to me hunt me down. House and Renner tiptoe into the room. They’re both staring down at a woman they barely know, probably not understanding what the hell I’m doing camped out at her bedside. They’d never understand what it was like to be with her, to connect with someone even when we were trying to be other people. I’m not sure exactly what love feels like, but as I sit by her side holding onto hope I’d like to think I’ve finally figured it out. Whether she lives or dies I know my life will never be the same. I’ve experienced it. I’ve got to feel it for just a short amount of time.

“We took care of everything. The reports are filed. The president has invited us to a private dinner next week. We’re being regarded as heroes. We think the cartel will fold as long as we stay on top of it. We did good, Moth.”

I smile, but it’s not because I feel happiness or excitement. “Yeah, count me out on that dinner. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.”

House puts his hand on my shoulder. “Is there anything we can do, boss?”

I shake my head. My eyes are filling with hot liquid and I refuse to let them see how weak I’ve become. “No. I’m good. Thanks for stopping by.”

“We flew here from Miami, Moth. We’re sticking around. We’ve rented a place so you can get some rest and a shower. You’re still wearing the bloody clothes you had on the other day.”

I turn around, revealing the deepest heartache. As soon as they see my strain they know I’m a force to be reckoned with. They know I’m in love with her, and that if she doesn’t pull through I may never be able to go back to the person I used to be. “I don’t give a f*ck about my clothes or a shower. All I care about is being here when she opens her eyes. Don’t you get it? I was responsible for her. This is my fault.”

“You didn’t want her with us. That was obvious.”

I’m shaking my head. “It doesn’t matter. The damage is done. She’s fighting for her life. She can’t even breathe on her own. They had to reconstruct part of her esophagus. Even if she recovers she may never be able to speak again. She might not be able to hold her f*cking head up. I watched it happen. I let it f*cking happen.” I lose it right in front of them. In my career I’ve done everything necessary to be the toughest there was, but now I’m falling apart. I’m watching her die and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. “She’s probably not going to last much longer. I’m not leaving her side. I don’t care if I smell like ass and the nurses refuse to come in the room. They won’t make me leave.”

Renner throws up his hands. “Okay, Buddy. We get it. We know she’s important to you. We’re staying nearby. If you need anything just give us a call.”

I don’t stand when they leave. I don’t even acknowledge that they’re gone. Once the tears begin I’m unable to stop them. I sob like a f*cking baby while clinging to her lifeless hand. I know this is the end, and although justice was served I feel empty inside.

That next morning I get word that they’re taking her off of life support. I’m defeated, lost and broken. There are no words to describe the way it feels to sit by someone’s side and watch them slipping away. It’s heart wrenching and I know the moment I hear the machine flat line I’m going to want to hurt someone all over again.

Nina doesn’t have family waiting for her at home. She’s all alone now. While sitting at her bedside I read the local news and messages from my director and the rest of the team. Nico was found murdered in the same tunnel leading from the shack to the main house. His hands were tied behind his back and there was a bullet through his skull. He never had a chance. It’s evident as soon as they made Nina for being FBI they’d do anything they could to hurt her.

I meet her director when she visits the hospital that next morning. I’ve arranged to make a statement on Nina’s behalf regarding the investigation and her part in it. While I had time to kill I came up with a good story to save her position within the FBI, not that she’ll ever be returning. If she’s leaving this world I want her to go out with honor. She served her country and died trying to protect it.

I explain to the director that once we infiltrated Alizar’s operation in Richmond we discovered Nina was being held against her will due to her brother’s involvement. I say she was bait and that until I came along there was no chance of her ever getting free. I’m not trying to make myself look like a hero. I’m not one. I’ve sent more people to an early grave than I’d like to admit. It’s agonizing and I’m contemplating giving up what I do entirely because of it. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a soldier in the war on drugs. Maybe this is my reason for getting out.

I’m not sure how much of my story the director believes, but it’s clear Nina is a victim, so I’ve been assured that if anything happens she’ll be given a proper funeral. It’s the least I can do for her.

The doctors have informed me that if she hasn’t woken up on her own by the time they turn off the machines there is probably little chance she’ll ever regain consciousness. Hours before they’re set to arrive to shut them down, I cling to her hand, pleading for one last opportunity to see those beautiful brown eyes I’ve never been able to get enough of.