Lucian Divine(59)

“I don’t know if I have a soul, Evey.”

Shaking her head, she stood and ran inside the loft. On the other side of the door, she yelled, “Yes, you do, you bastard.”

She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day. Instead, she worked on her speech for Brooklyn’s wedding.

At dinner, I asked, “Do you want to read it to me to practice?”

“No thanks. I need to get used to being alone.”

“Evey…”

“You’re giving up. Don’t talk to me.”

“I’m not doing anything,” I argued.

“Exactly. I’m going out to pick up my dress at the seamstress’s.”

“I’m going with you.”

She shot me a derisive look. “You’re exhausted, Lucian. Just stay here. I don’t want to be around you anyway.”

“I have to. I still need to protect you.”

“You couldn’t protect a puppy at this point.”

Ouch.

I tried to cloak myself, but I was no longer able to. Following her out onto the street, I stayed back and tried to pop into the body of a female mail carrier going in the same direction, but I failed at that as well. My concentration was shot, and I had no energy.

Halfway down the block, Evey turned around and yelled at me. “I said leave me alone.”

I had to jog to catch up to her. I was out of breath. “Pl-please don’t do this.”

She stopped walking and turned to face me. Looking at me pointedly, she said, “Go home before I scream and have you arrested.”

I shook my head in my head in disbelief. I thought about all of the things I had done to her. I had confused her about life and God and the world. I caused her to suffer two miscarriages, and now she had to watch the person she loved get weaker and weaker every day. She was already grieving me, and I wasn’t even gone yet.

I looked down the street and saw a bus approaching. Poof. That was all it would take, but like I said, I was a coward.

I went home feeling like I was dragging a dead body behind me. A series of images ran through my mind on a steady loop: Evey getting mugged, shot, hit by a car, assaulted.

In the bathroom, I tried to use a cold cloth to bring my fever down, but nothing worked. It was spiking and I was dizzy. I threw up and then collapsed near the tub.

Isn’t love supposed to be easy? Isn’t love supposed to be fun? The moment you fall in love, you become acutely aware of all the different ways the person you love can die. It’s sickening. It’s morbid and painful and heart-wrenching, and it’s all totally, completely worth it.

My brave and cocky fa?ade had been gone for months. I was a weak body, withering away right in front of Evey’s eyes.

I stayed on the floor, trembling until she returned. I heard the sounds again, calling me, and felt a pull like the type of pull I’d felt to be near Evey before I started getting sick.

When Evey got home, she came into the bathroom and immediately bent and felt my forehead. “You need to get into the tub. You need a cold bath.”

My teeth chattered. “I’m freezing already.”

“Lucian, just listen to me. Do as I say please, or I will call an ambulance.”

While she ran the bath, I tried to smile at her, but she just looked away.

“You’ve been making a lot of threats today, young lady,” I told her, trying to lighten the mood.

“If you think I’m going to let you dissipate into a plume of dust to be forgotten forever, you’re crazy.”

She undressed me and helped me into the tub. Poor Evey still had hope. She still had faith that we’d be together. It was too bad that I had none.

She sat on a stool next to the tub and washed my hair. I was shivering uncontrollably. When Evey said that my fever had passed, she ran warm water over my skin. I felt my body become balanced and strong enough to stand.

She helped me to our bed and brought me soup before lying down next to me. “You’re a stubborn, recalcitrant man.”

“That’s a big word. You know I taught you that word?”

“No Charlie—oh yeah, it probably was you.”

“I’m guessing you’ve been called that more than a few times.” She laughed finally. She was trying to lighten the mood. I’ve heard angels singing for real. Her laughter sounded ten times better.

“Some guardian angel I am, huh?” I tried to feed her a spoonful of soup, but she waved it away.

“You could use some work on your angel skills. Will you please go to the doctor on Monday?”

“Okay,” I said, but I knew it would be pointless. Just like anyone else, I had no control over when I’d be taken, and I knew there was no medical help for me.

I would just stick around and try to collect smiles from her. I’d put them all inside myself and try to build my own little pathetic soul from the love she had given me.





AT BROOKLYN’S WEDDING the next day, more than a few people asked if I was feeling okay. Evey looked stunning even though Brooklyn had chosen a hot pink mini-dress and cowboy boots for her bridesmaids. I kept to myself for most of the wedding while Evey did her matron of honor duties, though she checked on me every ten minutes.

When it was time for her to give the speech, I watched her take the microphone and scour the room for me. Her eyes locked on mine. “Thank you all for coming. I am so happy for Brooklyn and Keith and honored to be a part of this special day. I’ve known Brooklyn for most of my life. She’s my best friend, but she is and always will be a real pain in my ass too.”