Loving Nicole (Savage Brothers MC #3)(40)

He looks at the girl. Leans down and whispers in my ear, “Frog’s sister.”

I grimace and swallow as a wave of sorrow settles, yet again. I’ve not allowed myself to think of Frog or the loss others might feel here; I’ve been consumed with my own loss. I didn’t know Frog that well; I didn’t even realize he had a sister. I should make an effort to say hi to her, but I figure I’m not going to. I should feel bad about that. I should feel bad about the fact that I’m going through the motions, marking time until everyone leaves and lets me disappear behind my bedroom door again. I don’t. I just wish I could leave now.

“Are you alright, querida?” Skull asks putting his hand on my leg. I stare at his hand.

“I’d be fine if people would quit asking me that, and get your damned hand off my leg.” I bark back and I don’t do it quietly.

Diesel (whoever the hell he is) stops going on about how close he and Dragon were to look at me. Is it my imagination or is there a smile in those eyes. My back is killing me, I’m angry at the world and I feel like a sweaty elephant. I really might go off at any moment and that can’t be good for anyone. I should be like Frog’s sister. I’m not and I wonder if people are judging me because of it?

I’m cried out. There are no tears left inside of me right now and I’m angry. I’m mad at the club, the situation, this damned service, Dani, Michael, Crusher, Dancer…the list goes on. I’m so f*cking mad at Dragon. I want to scream at him for leaving me. I can’t. I can’t do any of the things I feel the need to do. I am even more furious at myself. I hate myself right now and at the rate I’m going, probably will for the rest of my life.

Skull takes his hand away and Bull puts his arm around my back and squeezes my shoulder. I see a hint of a smile on his face and that should make me happy. It should, because Bull never smiles. Instead, I really wish I had a knife so I could jab it into Skull’s hand when he absently pats my leg again. Hell, even a fork would work.

I shift in the seat again, as Diesel finally stops talking. He stops in front of me and holds out his hand for me to shake. I look up at him. He’s tall, like really tall—close to seven foot. He’s got a jagged scar along the side of his right eye. His hair is long and a dirty-gold-blonde, and he’s got a scruffy beard, and tattoos on his fingers and arms that might be pretty nice-looking; I don’t take the time to investigate them. I shake his hand. His grip is firm and swallows mine, completely.

“Very sorry for your loss, Mrs. West.”

I didn’t marry him! I want to scream. I didn’t get to marry him. I didn’t get to be Mrs. West and I should have! If I had married him, if I had insisted on continuing with the ceremony, Dragon wouldn’t have got into the car. We would have gone back into the church and got married. Maybe Dragon would have gotten Crusher’s call. The bomb would have never gone off and Dragon would be alive. Even if the bomb did explode, I would have been with him. I would have been with him. God, I want to be with him. The only time I feel like I’m alive right now is in bed at night when I dream of Dragon. When I can pretend he is still with me.

My baby kicks and guilt at my thoughts swamp me. I know I need to be here to bring our child into the world, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to be.

I nod at Diesel, words are beyond me at this point. Thankfully he leaves.

“What’s wrong?” Bull whispers, picking up on my frustration. I don’t know how to answer him. My body feels wrong? Being here feels wrong? I want to scream instead of cry? I want to draw blood? Without an answer, I just shrug.

Another member of the Savage MC crew stands up. This one is from the Georgia chapter; he apparently served with Frog. He starts talking about jumping out of planes and you can tell he really cared about Frog. I hear the sister’s sobs get louder. I shift in my seat, again, as a sharp pain in my back stabs and then slowly disappears. Metal chairs are not comfortable on a pregnant woman, even with the pillow that Bull put at my back.

“Nic?” Bull asks and this time he seems worried.

“I’ll be okay,” I whisper, but I’m really not sure. The world seems to be going on around me and I’m just watching it. It’s too late to be in shock over Dragon’s death, right?

A little while later the service breaks. The crowd disburses out into the parking area; the men and their old ladies get on their rides. Bull and Dancer will be leading the crew. Crusher will be staying behind watching over Dani.

Does she know how lucky she is to have someone willing to give up the club for her? Because that’s what he is doing, essentially. I’ve heard the talk. None of the men are happy with him; hell, I’m not happy with him. Couldn’t he have left and made the call and then went back for Dani? He knew about the bombs. He knew. He could have saved Dragon.

Frog’s family will be in one limo and I’ll be in another, I’m not sure who with. I assume it will be Carrie, Nikki and Lips. I’ve not really talked to them since Dragon’s….death. The word hits me. No, it throat punches me, because I can’t catch my breath. Dragon’s death. I’m sitting in the chair and my eyes go to the urn. The empty urn, because there was none of Dragon left. Dragon’s death. Bull stands up at the same time Skull does. They both turn to help me out of the chair. I look up at them, but I can’t get the breath to release from my chest to speak. I can’t move. I feel the wetness gather in my eyes and I look back to the urn. Dragon’s death. I shake my head back and forth in denial. Panic is setting in and I hate it. Anger is better, but I can’t seem to grab it like I had before. Dragon’s death. How will I go on without him? How will I raise our child without him?