Lost and Found (Twist of Fate #1)(34)

“Not bad,” he said. “Just… different. But it’s where I realized I wasn’t ever going to be that guy.” He looked at me and said, “You know, working in a cubicle, staring at a computer all day.”

I nodded. Xander had done well in school, but he’d never had any one particular goal in mind when it had come to a potential career. His father had dreamed of him going to college, which Xander had been planning to do, but he’d never been able to answer the age-old question of what do you want to be when you grow up like most kids our age had. I’d had the stock answer, the one that had been fed to me since birth. But I’d always dreamed of being able to answer like Xander did.

No idea, but I’ll know it when I see it.

“We joined a couple of communes for a few years before settling down here in Colorado.”

“Does your aunt still live nearby?” I asked.

“Um yeah, she… she lives in a colony in a small town just north of Denver.”

“A colony?” I asked. “Like that movie where all the people turned into zombies?”

Xander laughed and bumped me with his body. “No… idiot,” he said with a smile. “It’s… it’s a nudist colony.” His face scrunched up slightly.

“Oh my god,” I laughed. “A nudist colony in Colorado? Isn’t it too cold? I mean… things are probably so shriveled up, you can’t tell what they are.”

“Shut up— I have to work really hard not to think about that shit.”

“Sorry,” I said, though we both knew I wasn’t.

“They have a lot of indoor activities,” he said. “Can we not talk about this? I already have to consider bleaching my eyes every time I visit her there.”

I began laughing hysterically and barely managed to keep my voice low so I wouldn’t wake up the kids. “You go there?”

Xander pushed me so hard with his hand, I nearly fell backwards off the log. He grabbed me around the waist to stop my fall, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

Until I finally realized I was pressed up against his chest and he’d gone deathly quiet. His body was stiff beneath my hand, which had somehow gotten tucked up under his armpit. My other hand was at his back. We both began breathing hard, but I dared not look at him. I knew what would happen if I did.

But god, I really wanted to look. I really wanted what would come after I did. The sweetness of his mouth, the firmness of his lips that were both gentle and demanding at the same time.

“Sorry,” I murmured as I untangled myself from his arms.

“S’okay,” he said.

After a few moments of tense silence, I asked, “What made you decide to work as a guide?”

“Living in a commune was fine and all, but I knew it wasn’t the life I wanted. So, I got a part-time job at a farm supply store. I saved up enough money to buy a car and used it to drive to Denver to get a job that paid better. It was at this really cool adventure outfitter shop. Some guys I worked with asked me if I wanted to go hiking with them one day, and that was it. I was totally hooked. Every second I wasn’t working, I was out here. After a couple of years, I started exploring on my own and worked my way up to taking people on guided trips all over Colorado.”

I took in what he was saying and thought about it before saying, “But why this?”

He seemed to understand what I was asking, because he studied me for a moment and then looked towards the lake. “You know I was never good with people, Bennett. I never really fit.”

I knew that was true. But he’d fit with me. I wanted to tell him that, but knew he didn’t want to hear it. It would just stir up things that needed to stay in the past.

“Out here, I don’t owe anyone any explanations. I don’t have to pretend. I don’t have to rely on anyone or anything but myself.”

Pain shimmied through my body as I realized what he wasn’t saying.

No one can hurt me again when I’m out here.

The reminder that our truce wouldn’t undo the damage I’d done to this man killed off something inside of me. Maybe I’d hoped, despite Xander’s insistence that this truce was for the kids, whatever was between us could have turned into something more.

“It suits you,” I said as I tried to mask my inner turmoil. And I meant it. I could tell he loved his world. But I couldn’t help but wonder if he still might love it just as much if he could share it with someone special.

Someone like me.

No, not someone like me.

Me.

Fuck, I needed to stop doing this.

As the silence between us grew, I felt the exhaustion of the day settle over me. Part of me would have loved to stay there all night with him, but being so close to him and not being allowed to touch him was a unique form of torture.

“So, tomorrow is about the kids,” I said.

“Yeah,” Xander agreed before sending me a smile.

“I should go to bed,” I said awkwardly as I stood. Xander stood too and my heart flip-flopped when he didn’t immediately step away.

“Yeah, me too,” he murmured. Was that reluctance I was hearing?

God, I was terrified of walking away from him. Even with the truce, I was still afraid of losing him again. What if he was cold, angry Xander again tomorrow? What if none of this stuff tonight had mattered? What if what had happened by that tree didn’t matter?