Just One Taste (Topped #2)(22)

They’d spent the first half of the class talking about how she’d gotten here. He’d asked about her childhood, polite questions about where she’d grown up and how she’d ended up in Dallas. She’d been honest, though she’d dodged some of the worst aspects of her life. He knew she’d been married and divorced. She’d explained her husband had left her for another woman. That was all he needed to know. They’d wasted half an hour on her boring life before getting to the contract.

“What do you expect to get out of this class?” He was warm, but she could feel a distance that hadn’t been there before.

“Knowledge, I suppose. I want what everyone wants. I want to figure out if I enjoy this lifestyle. I think I will.”

“What about it attracts you?”

This was something she’d thought long and hard about. “I started reading some BDSM romance books about a year ago. I did it because Tiffany recommended it, and honestly, I was curious because the author comes into Top all the time.”

“Serena. I like her a lot. I haven’t read her books, but she’s a very nice lady.”

Serena Dean-Miles was funny and kind. “I thought I could joke about it. You know, look at me I’m reading porn.”

“It spoke to you.”

She nodded. “Yes. I’ve never read romance before. She had something to say about finding ourselves, about paying attention to our own needs in a way that wasn’t selfish. I suppose I grew up with a mother who sacrificed everything for me, and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all that she did for me. But I know she was unhappy. I knew it then. I wonder what would have happened if she’d pursued some of her own joy. She was a wonderful woman, but I felt her dissatisfaction. I think I thought that was how the world had to work for a very long time.”

“That’s why you sacrificed in your marriage.”

Touchy subject, but somehow she found herself opening up. No, Eric didn’t need to know these things, but sitting in this room where she was supposed to be open and honest, she found herself talking. “I think it was a lot of things. Despite the fact that my dad was a jerk, I remember hearing them fight a lot. He would accuse her of not paying enough attention to him. He said he was leaving her because he’d found a woman who supported him better than she did. A woman who made him feel like a man. I know he was wrong, but sometimes the things we hear as children seem to seep into our psyches.”

Eric leaned forward. “It’s a two-way street. Support that is. I’m not saying in a relationship everything should be fifty-fifty at all times. Needs change. They ebb and flow and a couple has to be fluid, but one person shouldn’t bear the load. Why do you have a partner at all if you’re going to do that?”

“That’s a good question and why I won’t get married again.” She’d made that decision long ago.

“So even if the right man came along, you wouldn’t try?”

“Probably not. I’m not putting myself in that position again. You wouldn’t understand because you’ve never been married before.”

He sat back, his arms crossing over his chest. “Who said I hadn’t been married before?”

“You never mentioned an ex-wife.”

“You never asked.”

Wow. She hadn’t. He’d asked her a million questions about her life and she never asked him anything but superficial crap. They’d been friends for months and she knew next to nothing about his past. She’d seen his gorgeous body and face and dismissed him utterly with the exception of enjoying his company on a surface level.

What had Master Ian told her? When a person cuts off one kind of relationship, she inevitably becomes harder on all the others. She’d cut off the possibility of love. Had she done the same with friendship? Was she going to end up cutting them all out because she was so scared of hurting again?

She was living her mother’s life.

“I never did, did I?” Shame swept over her. He’d been kind and she’d blown him off. She spent time daydreaming about the man and yet she refused to let herself know him. Even tonight he’d concentrated on her and she’d ignored his needs, expecting that he would simply take care of them himself.

She was being a bad partner.

“It’s all right,” he said quietly. “You’ve made it plain you aren’t interested in more than a training relationship.”

But they’d had more. This was the guy who helped her out when he didn’t have to. He gave her a ride and sat next to her in clubs, though she wasn’t sure he truly enjoyed them. The man never danced, but insisted on going along with them to make sure everyone got home all right. He looked out for her and she viewed him as nothing more than a gorgeous guy she should stay away from.

“I thought we were friends.”

“I did, too.”

“I haven’t been a very good friend.” That bothered her. She was good to her girlfriends. She always had an open couch. Even when she was struggling she could find the money to help out a friend. Eric had proven he was loyal and kind, and she hadn’t given anything back to him. It was one thing to not fall in love with the man. It was another to be unkind to him. Had she made him feel small? “Have you ever been married, Eric? I mean, Sir.”

“Eric is fine when we’re talking. Sir or Master Eric when we’re playing or in formal club circumstances, but we are friends. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about that. And yes, I was married. Like you, I married my high school sweetheart.”