Jingle all the Mitchell Way: a holiday novella(5)

I found Josh in his room playing a video game. He had a set of huge headphones on, never noticing I’d come in. Since it wouldn’t be cool to screw with his game progress, I decided on another approach to grab his attention.

After creeping up behind him, I unzipped my pants and dropped them to the floor. Then, with steady precision, I lifted my balls and placed them on his head. Josh spun like a Nascar driver who’d just won the cup, fast and furious. “What the f*ck, dude?”

“You’ve been tea bagged, shithead. Hit save and come with me. I need your help.”

“I ain’t doing shit. I was out late last night.”

I yanked the paddle from his hand and tossed it on the bed. “I’m not asking. Get your ass dressed.”

Being older, and definitely wiser, Josh knew I wasn’t going to let up until he did what I’d asked.

I walked into the kitchen while waiting, only to find my Uncle Conner and Aunt Amy sitting at the table having coffee. My aunt spoke first. “I thought I heard your voice. Did Amber kick you out already?”

“No. She knows how good she has it.”

My uncle chuckled to himself. “It’s good you have such a God complex Jax, because when the shit hits the fan it won’t hurt as much.”

“Whatever. My wife has nothing to complain about.” I pointed to my groin area.

My aunt shook her head and looked away. “It’s too early, Jax. What are you doing here?”

“I’ve enlisted the help of Josh for today’s preparation.”

“That can’t be good. Are we going to have food to eat?” Uncle Conner almost seemed worried.

“Apparently Jake and Reese brought pie. It’s something.”

He cackled again. “How your mother could think this was a good idea is beyond me.”

“Conner, stop it. I’m sure dinner will be fantastic like it always is. What time are you expecting the rest of the Kentucky crew?” My aunt asked.

My relatives packed in vehicles like sardines so we could all be together for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. We always alternated the events, one being held in North Carolina, and the other back in Kentucky. My Uncle Colt and Aunt Savanna had arrived at my parents house two nights ago, while the rest of the clan had been trickling in since then. Addison and Cole, and Christian and Ethan were still unaccounted for. Noah and Shalan had arrived last week with their two kids, the new baby included. They were staying with my sister, Isabella and her husband Rusty. Our family was becoming way too large to keep track of. Just doing so was making my head hurt. “I don’t know. When they arrive, they arrive. The food will be ready at five.”

“We’ll be there. I’m bringing the mashed potatoes and green beans. I know your grandparents are making their famous kielbasa and sauerkraut. Your mom said she could smell it this morning when she walked outside.”

My mouth was watering as my aunt spoke. We only got to have it once a year, so I couldn’t wait to fill my plate and devour the hell out of it.

Josh appeared in the kitchen with a hat on his nappy head, in a pair of jeans and a wrinkled T-shirt. “How you get laid is beyond my understanding.”

“It’s an acquired taste,” he noted.

I raised my brows and shook my head from side to side. “You’re telling me. Come on, we need to get a move on. My wife can’t do it all alone.”

It wasn’t until we were outside that I explained why I needed Josh’s help. “So, most of the stores are closed, and I know for a fact there’s a turkey fryer somewhere in the attic of the old storage barn. I need you to help me dig it out.”

“What for? Shouldn’t you have thought about this days ago?”

I grinded my teeth together. “Look, I forgot to turn on the oven this morning. I’ve got a thawed twenty-five pound turkey that won’t cook in time. Shut up and help.”

He threw up his hand while becoming amused at my situation. “Everyone said you were going to f*ck this up.”

“Suck my dick, Josh. I’ll make it work, even if I have to do it myself.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to ask your dad where he put it?”

“That, my cousin, would imply I’ve failed, and it’s not an option. As far as my parents are concerned, everything is under control.”

“You can’t have Thanksgiving without a turkey. It’s like sinning in church.”

“You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?” He’d recently been rumored to have taken the preacher’s daughter down in the basement. Apparently, according to my sister who loved to gossip, he’d been caught with two hands up her dress, while on his knees. Since then, she said his parents hadn’t been forcing him to go with them, on account of being completely embarrassed.

“Hey, it’s not my fault she couldn’t keep her hands off me. I told you, I’ve got mad skills.”

“Well,” I rolled my eyes. “Use your mad skills to help me find the damn turkey fryer.”

After climbing the wobbly ladder to make it to the storage area of the old barn, Josh and I scrambled through years of junk to locate the missing turkey fryer. Nearly an hour of searching had taken place when we heard someone’s voice coming from the lower area. “What the hell are you two doing?” It was my father, Tyler. He was standing with his hands on his hips looking up into the loft area where we remained.