Jingle all the Mitchell Way: a holiday novella(29)

“What? Did you stand there and listen? Were they banging in the open?”

“No. I saw their boots under the stall.”

“Remind me to mail them some fudge with the ticket check.”

I stood up to go wash my hands. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to unsee this.”

“To each his own, Jax. Some guys prefer fudge. It’s not my cup of tea. I prefer pie.”

“Yeah, you and me both, bro.” Jax put his hand on my shoulder. “On that note, I’m going to go find my wife. I’ve had enough entertainment for the night.”

I found Reese in the back bunkroom reading. Her hair was down, and when I closed the privacy door she sat the book to the side and held out her arms. “I heard you talking to Jax. You were joking, right?”

“Nope. I witnessed it. I heard it. It sounded painful.”

“Aww, do you need a hug now? You’ve had a shitty night, huh?”

“Literally. I hate to admit it, but Jax was right. Where does he get his information?”

“Craigslist probably. Who knows? Jax is a weirdo. Isn’t that why we all love him?”

“I guess. It’s kind of disturbing how he knows the most random shit. Maybe I should tell Dad to give him more responsibilities. He obviously has way too much free time on his hands.”

Reese laughed, while offering support. “Come here. You need some loving. I’ll make it all go away.”

I leaned forward and kissed my wife. “Now you’re talking. By the way, my dad is paying for that ticket. I’m not being held responsible for his nut sack.”

We both laughed together at the way it came out. Even in his absence, my dad was still getting the last laugh.





Chapter 14


Jax


I pressed my bare ass against the glass for the third time, my final attempt to be acknowledged by this particular truck driver. “What is with these guys? You know they see it.”

“Hang on. He’s looking, Jax. He did a double take. He’s shaking his head.” Jake was egging me on. “Oh damn. He’s backing away. Nope, no honks for you. I’m beating you two to zip.”

I pulled my pants back on, giving up on the bet I’d made with my brother. “Fine, Jake. I owe you five bucks. Apparently my ass isn’t as nice as I find it to be. Nobody appreciates it.”

“I do, baby. You can show me later,” Amber suggested.

On that note, I rubbed my hands together and prepared for the next task.

“Come on girls. You know you can’t beat me or Jake in a game of five card poker. The odds are against you. Bow out now before you’re forced to be our slaves.”

Amber and Reese looked at one another and snickered. “Just deal the cards, babe. We’re not afraid of a little competition, unlike you two. I seem to recall you losing the last time we played.”

In my defense, we were in the privacy of our own home and not on a road trip across the country so my wife could be in her very first movie. I liked being a practical joker, but not when the odds were against me getting the last laugh.

“Amber’s right. I’m pretty sure you were the one in your skimpies running around the front lawn and waving to the tractor trailers as they rolled by. It took you forever to get one to honk at you. I suppose they just weren’t into all you say you have to offer. I mean, it was pretty cold out, and I suppose your little thingy was difficult to see in a moving vehicle. It probably inverted.” Reese thought she had the upper hand, but messing with me would only cost her in the long run. Unlike Jake, who was predictable when it came to pranks and paybacks, I was more sly. I waited it out until the ordeal had been long forgotten, and then I’d make my move with the unsuspecting prey. It was like the time my father thought he’d gotten me good. Sure, replacing my toothpaste with Hemorrhoid cream was smooth, but as my lips and gums became numb I stayed calm, telling him it wasn’t even worth the attempt to get him back.

After waiting a month, listening to him padding the story over and over again, I snuck in his house and added Amber’s self tanning cream to his aftershave lotion. Since I knew the process would show slowly, I asked my parents over for dinner that Sunday night. Now, anyone who knows my dad can tell you how he takes a long nap after one of my mother’s weekend breakfast feasts. He wakes up early, has his coffee while watching the news, and then eats breakfast. By the time it’s over he’s tired and falling asleep on the couch.

My mom usually goes about her Sundays staying out of the living room since the TV is tuned to football, so she wouldn’t notice her husband’s face changing colors, not until he woke back up and sought her out.

It was the first time she didn’t tell him what was going on. Instead of laughing and making a big deal about it, my mom walked outside and called me. Once she knew which one of her twins was the culprit, she kept it a secret until we were all sitting across the table from one another. Much to my dad’s surprise, we even snapped a few candid shots with him and his granddaughters before divulging the hysterical details.

Then there was the time I loosened all the lug-nuts on the golf cart wheels. He climbed on one morning with his cup of coffee and pressed on the gas. Four wheels went rolling in opposite directions while hot coffee poured down the front of him.

I wasn’t the only Mitchell boy who liked pranking either. According to my dad, Uncle Colt and Conner, it had been going on for years before we were born.