Instead of You(64)

I was startled by his outburst, and even more taken aback when I saw his hand slam into the wall in front of him. Hayes had never been a violent person and seeing that side of him scared me, but not enough to keep me from going to him.

I pressed my front to his back, wrapping my arms around his waist. He was so much taller than me that my cheek rested right between his shoulder blades. He was practically shaking with anger and I could feel his heart thumping inside his chest.

“This part is only temporary,” I whispered, trying to calm him down. “It won’t always be like this. It won’t always be hard.”

“You deserve better than this,” he rasped. “You shouldn’t be in some dark room, hidden away. You should be out in the daylight, with someone who can stand next to you proudly.”

I squeezed him harder. I loved him more for his words, but also hurt for him, knowing it was killing him a little to be in our situation. I turned my head and pressed a kiss into his back through his white cotton shirt. “I love you, and I’d rather be here in the dark with you than out in the light with anyone else.”

He let out a sigh as one of his hands covered mine, twining his fingers through mine on his chest. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”





Chapter Twenty-Two


Hayes


At first it was just crying. Then it turned into screaming. By Wednesday evening it was nothing short of night terrors. She was screaming and practically nothing we could do would wake her. Thursday morning, as the sun was rising, I was rocking my mother back and forth as she came out of her dreamlike state, as she sobbed, crying for the son she’d lost. I resisted the urge to shake her, to bring her face right in front of mine and simply wake her up, to scream at her, “I’m still here! You haven’t lost everyone and I still need you!” But somehow I managed to maintain my composure.

I knew she missed my father too, she had to, but most of her grief was focused on Cory. Part of me was afraid once she finally pulled out of this, she’d start all over when she realized she’d never really mourned my father.

Juggling my mother, teaching at the high school, McKenzie, and everything else that came along with a house and two deaths, had me exhausted by Thursday afternoon. I sat at my kitchen table. Mrs. Harris sat across from me, waiting for me to make a decision. I was supposed to be in Bellingham in three hours for my bi-weekly meetings with my cohorts, but I was exhausted and worried about leaving my mother alone for another night.

“I’m worried about you driving, Hayes. You look exhausted.”

I scrubbed my hands over my face, trying to force some life back into me, to rouse the backup reserves I knew were stored in me somewhere. “I’ll be fine. Honestly, I think I can get there all right. It might be the drive back that gives me trouble.”

“So, go and stay the night. I’ll be here all night anyhow.”

“Don’t you have to work tomorrow?”

She shrugged. “I can take a day off. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal,” I said, looking her in the eye, trying to wrap my head around how much she’d done for my mom since my father and Cory died. She’d always been around, always been a surrogate aunt, the woman I saw just as much as my mom, who I knew cared just as much about me as she would someone actually related to her. And as one did with family, I’d taken her for granted. I probably still was. But I didn’t want to. “Thank you.”

“Tell you what,” she said, reaching a hand out to mine, giving it a squeeze, then pulling away. “Why don’t you take McKenzie?” My eyes snapped up to meet hers, surprise coursing through me, followed closely by panic. “She could drive you there, you could rest, and then you could both come back tomorrow morning.”

She was looking at me, her eyes never wavering from mine, but it was almost as though she was trying to say more with her eyes than her words. She was smiling, just slightly, and I was utterly confused.

“You want me to take McKenzie with me?”

“I want you both safe and happy,” she replied with honest sincerity.

I wasn’t brave enough to ask her to confirm, but it was that moment where I suspected Mrs. Harris knew I was in love with her daughter.

“McKenzie can get you there safely, and I trust you to make her happy.”

Fuck. She definitely knew. I opened my mouth to—I didn’t know—explain myself? Defend our relationship? To convince her that it definitely couldn’t be what she thought it was, but she held up her hand and stopped me.

“It’s okay, Hayes,” she said softly.

“We’ll be back tomorrow morning,” I said, trying to reassure her but I wasn’t sure of what. She’d basically just told me she trusted me with her daughter, but for some reason that wasn’t enough. I wanted to prove to her that I was best for McKenzie. That no one could love her the way I did. In that moment, something inside me snapped and no matter what happened next, I wasn’t going to let her mother think any less of our relationship. “Look, I love her, Mrs. Harris. I’ve loved her for a long time. This isn’t something either of us fell into lightly, and she was never unfaithful to Cory.”

She reached her hand out to me again, but this time leaving it there, gently rubbing mine. “Sweetie, I know you and I know my daughter. Neither of you would do anything to hurt people you care about. If you love her like I think you do, then you want her to be as happy as I do, and she’s happiest with you.”