Instead of You(39)

It only took a few moments for Holly and Becca to realize I wasn’t with them anymore, and I heard them coming back.

“McKenzie, what is it?” Becca asked, kneeling down next to me. “Holly, call someone.”

“I don’t have any service,” she replied frantically.

“Kenz, what’s wrong?” Now Becca sounded scared too.

“I’m okay, I just need a minute,” I managed, a hoarse whisper croaking from me.

“Are you freaking out because Nate wanted to get you drunk and molest you?”

Becca screamed, “Holly!” and the very same time I let out an enormous laugh. I laughed until I cried. Holly was a handful sometimes, but I never wanted her to have a filter installed. The thoughts and words that came out of her sometimes were the best parts of my day. Like right then.

“Holly, oh my God, you’re just so wacked,” I said through the sputtering end of my laughter.

“What?” she asked innocently, because she had no idea why her question was inappropriate. “Besides, you’re the one on the ground having a breakdown.”

Her words weren’t as unkind as they seemed, I knew her well enough to realize she wasn’t trying to be rude. And anyway, she had a point.

“Why are you on the ground having a breakdown?” Becca asked, sitting down next to me, probably ruining her favorite denim skirt.

I didn’t know what to tell them. My heart was telling me to just be honest. Or, as honest as I could be.

“What would you guys say if I told you….” My heart thundered in my chest.

“Whatever it is, Kenz, you can tell us,” Holly said softly from her seat next to me on the ground, redeeming herself.

“Yeah, you’re scaring me. Just spit it out,” Becca demanded.

“I was never in love with Cory.” I said the words, finally said the words to someone besides Hayes. The truth was heavy when you tried to keep it inside. And although I wasn’t completely weightless, the words definitely took some pressure off. I let out a loud sigh, immediately glad I’d let the truth out.

“Wait. What?” Becca asked.

“I was never in love with him. I had nothing beyond really affectionate, friendly feelings toward him. He was my very, very best friend, but I wasn’t in love with him.”

“But…,” Becca stammered. “But you were with him for two years. You guys, like, did stuff.”

I shrugged, even though I knew they couldn’t see me very well. “I know. I’ll probably never be able to fully explain our relationship, but I never wanted to hurt him, and I thought maybe, someday, I’d fall in love with him. I thought maybe I was a late bloomer.”

“You were just going to be with him until, when? Forever? Because you hoped you’d one day, maybe, eventually fall in love with him?” This came from Becca, and I was a little surprised at how upset she sounded.

“I wasn’t 100 percent aware of how I felt until he was gone, Becca. I loved him, I did. So much. More than anything. But I can’t explain the amount of relief that came with his death. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that, but it happened.”

“Wow,” Holly whispered. “That must be really hard for you.”

I nodded, once again wiping away a tear rolling over my cheek. “I was never untrue to him, and I never stayed with him for any reason other than, well, because I wanted to be in love with him. I hoped every day that I would wake up and that one piece that was missing would just fall into place. But it never did.” A sob broke free and my head dropped back into my little hiding spot. “I would never have hurt him on purpose.”

“God, Kenz, this is crazy. We all thought you guys were the real deal. Like, house, kids, dogs. The forever kind of thing.”

“I know.” Everything she said was everything I’d tried to give Cory. I’d wanted him to have whatever he wanted, even if I couldn’t love him the way he loved me. I’d have done anything for him. “If he hadn’t died, that’s what would have happened, Becca. I would have been with him forever. Half of me thinks I would have been okay with that. But now, the other part of me who realizes fully what was going on, the terrible part of my brain, is actually thankful he died.” I let out a cry as more sobs broke free. I hadn’t cried this hard since the first night we lost him.

“Oh, Kenzie,” Holly said, wrapping her arm around me and putting her mouth right next to my ear. “You’re not thankful he died, that’s ridiculous. You’re thankful that you don’t have to force yourself to live a lie anymore, and that’s understandable. You loved Cory, we all know that. No one could deny that. But just because you can imagine a life without him doesn’t mean you’re glad he’s gone.”

“I’m not glad he’s gone,” I said quietly, knowing it was the truth. But I couldn’t help but question whether I wanted to go back to how it was before. Knowing what life could be like with Hayes, what just a glance from him could make me feel, I wasn’t sure I could have gone back to the life I had with Cory. I was also glad, in a terrible, terrible way, that I didn’t have that choice. I didn’t have to choose between Cory and Hayes and I would probably forever be grateful for that.





Chapter Fifteen


Hayes