Instead of You(38)

I was being pulled to my feet by Holly and Becca, while Jacob went to stand beside Todd.

“Oh, you guys are going to come to her rescue? Good luck, she’s a frigid tease. Everyone knows Cory never got anything from you. He was probably glad to be killed to get out of having to put up with your shit.”

“What’s your problem, man? You got nothing better to do than harass girls at a party? Go back to your booze tent and get bent.” Jacob’s voice was just as angry as Todd’s. I was on the other side of the bonfire, watching as the orange flames licked the images of all three boys. Then Ryan walked into the scene, taking sides with Todd and Jacob.

“Man, I let you come because I didn’t want to deal with keeping you away, but you can’t be a dick. Either shut up, or we’ll drive your ass back up the hill.”

I watched as Nathan stared down the trio of guys. Then, in a literal flash, he threw his bottle of liquor into the fire. The loud explosion and burst of flames made Holly, Becca, and I scream, clinging to each other, and everyone else around the fire scattered. Without even a moment’s hesitation, Ryan and the other two guys grabbed Nathan and dragged him back to where the quads were waiting. We could hear Nathan yelling and swearing all the way up the hill.

I collapsed back onto the log, hands covering my face, trying to hide the tears that had escaped and were trailing down my cheeks. Holly and Becca both took seats on either side of me, one of them with her arm around me, the other rubbing my knee tenderly. I wasn’t sure which was which, but it didn’t matter. They were there, trying to comfort me.

“Kenzie, don’t let that * get into your head. Cory loved you. He would have kicked his ass if he were here.”

Those words were true. Cory never would have let anyone talk to me that way, say those horrible things about me. He’d always protected me. Even back in third grade when Ray Samuels would chase me around the playground and pull my pigtails. Cory pushed him down and told him to leave me alone. He’d always looked out for me.

“I know,” I said through a sniffle.

“And don’t believe what he said about you. Just because you never had sex with him doesn’t mean you’re frigid or a tease.”

“Holly!” Becca exclaimed. “Damn it, don’t say shit like that to her right now.”

“I’m just trying to help.”

“Guys, I’m fine,” I said, wiping my cheeks with the palm of my hand. “Nathan is a jerk. And he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I was just caught off guard by his words. I didn’t expect to be verbally assaulted around the campfire.”

“Kenz,” Becca said softly, her hand rubbing a small circle near the top of my back. “It’s okay if you’re not fine. He said some pretty horrible shit.”

“Listen, Cory was a normal seventeen-year-old guy. He wanted to have sex,” I said, my voice dropping to a whisper at the end of the sentence. “But he never pressured me, and he never expected it. Can we just drop it now?”

“Sure,” Holly said.

“I’m going to go for a walk.”

“We’ll come with you,” Becca said, standing with me and Holly following suit. I sighed, really wanting to be alone, but I knew the woods at night in the middle of nowhere wasn’t a smart place to find some alone time.

We walked down the riverbed, keeping about ten feet between us and the water because, gators, and also we didn’t want our feet getting wet. Holly and Becca were talking, dissecting every word Jacob had said to Becca, every move he made, and searching for evidence to substantiate the fact that he was totally crazy for her. I heard their words, their voices floating over the sounds of the water rushing by, and let myself get a little lost in the darkness of my mind.

My thoughts were centered on Cory. Nathan’s words had stirred a proverbial pot I’d been happy to let rest for the last two weeks, but I couldn’t ignore the wave of thoughts and emotions that were flowing through me.

If Cory and his father hadn’t been killed that night, my life would be so different in that moment. I couldn’t help but think about what would have happened that night, that week, the rest of the year, if Cory were still here. All of it was good, I wanted a life for Cory, wanted him here with me, but now, looking back, I don’t want him in that same capacity. I wanted to grab a hold of aspects of him, tiny slivers of the friend I had in him, and remember those parts best. But he was also my boyfriend. That part caused me the most trouble.

It was late, the moon was hiding behind some clouds and trees, and there were no lights besides the sparkling stars that managed to peek out from behind those clouds. Darkness was simply everywhere. I could hardly see the ground in front of me, and that notion was mirrored in my mind—darkness. My life with Cory would have been dark in some ways, in the best ways and the worst. I didn’t want to live in that world, and I would never know if I would have had the courage to end it, to tell Cory I wasn’t in love with him and would never be.

The weight of my thoughts pressed down on me, slowed me down, and I heard my friends’ voices drifting farther and farther away.

With troubling thoughts trampling through my brain, heartbeat racing and pounding through me, hands shaking, breath hitching, I finally just collapsed to the ground, panic taking over. I pulled up my knees, wrapped my arms around them, and dropped my head into the crook created there. I focused on breathing, trying to tame the flow of thoughts.