If I Was Your Girl(53)

“Hi,” she said, slurring just a little.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she said. She blinked a few times, laughed, and leaned against the sink. “Yeah I’m fine. Are you fine though?”

“Of course,” I said, wrapping her in a hug. She sank into my arms and sighed happily, then pushed me out to arm’s length and stared into my eyes.

“But are you fine?” Bee said. “Are you really?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I said.

“Does Grant know yet?” She looked around for a moment and then added in a loud whisper, “About—you know.”

“No…” I said, confused. We hadn’t talked about my secret since Virginia had come to town, and I wondered what was on her mind. “I tried to tell him, but he said he didn’t need to know. Why?”

“You need to be with somebody who can share everything,” she said in a rush, and I could tell she’d been thinking about saying this for a long time. I suddenly remembered what Chloe had told me in the mall. “You’re so interesting and complicated—”

“Thanks, but—”

“And Grant’s so basic and normal.” She swayed and poked a finger into my chest. “That’s your problem. You work so, so hard to be boring so you can impress boring people.”

“I don’t,” I said, my stomach twisting.

“That’s not true,” Bee said, shaking her head. And then she reached out, took the front of my dress, and pulled me into a kiss before I could stop her. I pulled back immediately.

“What the hell, Bee?” I said, my voice tilting up shrilly. “What was that?”

“Oh, come on,” Bee said. Her cheeks were so red they practically glowed. “You’ve convinced yourself and everybody else that you’re this perfect, demure girl next door when you could be so much more.”

“Maybe I am the girl next door,” I said angrily. Bee pursed her lips and twitched like I’d hit her. I realized that under the bravado and the alcohol was a girl who had just made herself vulnerable and been shot down. I took a deep breath and softened my voice. “Listen, Bee, I’m really sorry if I gave you the impression—”

“Of course you’re sorry!”

“If I gave you the impression,” I said, going on, “that we were ever a possibility. But I like boys. I only like boys.” She stared at her feet in silence for a moment, her whole face going from pink to red. She sniffled once, and I thought she might be about to cry, but then she looked up and I didn’t see any tears. “Bee—” I went on, wanting to smooth things over between us, but was interrupted by the bathroom door flying open and Anna rushing in.

“There you are!” she cried, grabbing my arm. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

“Give us a minute? We were just—” I tried to protest, but Anna was already ushering me toward the door.

I gave Bee a last look as we left, hoping things between us would be okay. “What’s going on?” I asked, but she just shook her head, and I knew enough from the ear-piercing kidnapping not to ask any more questions.

“There she is!” Layla cried as we came through the gym’s double doors and the spotlight fell on me. My eyes adjusted to the light and I realized everyone had turned to look at me. Grant appeared by my side on the gym floor and clutched my hand, smiling like a little boy. “You missed the announcement!”

“What announcement?” I said, my voice feeling strangely loud in the suddenly quiet gym.

“Homecoming queen!” Layla cried. She held out a silvery tiara that glinted in the light and hopped down from the stage. It took her a long time to get to me; when she finally broke through the crowd and wove the tiara into my hair my heart was beating so fast I thought I might die. She hugged me, whispered “Congratulations” in my ear, and she and Grant brought me back to an empty circle in the middle of the crowd. Music started playing, but I didn’t hear it. I just saw smiling faces pointed at me in every direction, Grant’s the brightest of them, and I felt myself in my own body being loved and accepted, and it felt so good it was almost surreal. This wasn’t my life. This couldn’t be my life. Things like this did not happen to girls like me.

I was drawn back to reality by Bee’s voice, just barely audible, yelling over the crowd and the music. Everyone turned toward the stage, a look of confusion on the faces around me. There was Bee, swaying badly, blinking glassy eyes against the stage lights as she grabbed the mike.

“Hi,” she said. We all winced at a sudden screech of feedback. “Yay home team! Sports!” She stumbled but quickly caught herself and looked straight down at her feet. “Wooooo football yay!”

“She’s wasted,” Grant said. I wrapped my arms around his and looked around the gym. The reactions in the sea of faces were mixed, some angry, some confused, some laughing. I saw the chaperones panicking and one of them heading toward the stage from all the way across the gym.

“Hey, I don’t have long,” Bee said, waving to the oncoming chaperone, “so I’ll get to it. I hate this f*ckin’ town, I hate this school, and I hate all of you, and do you know why? I hate y’all because you could be so great. So many of you are, like, one step away from being so cool, and you’re so afraid of nothing that you all pretend to be normal.” A ball of ice began to form in my stomach. I hugged Grant’s arm tighter and he kissed me just above my ear.