I Stand Before You (Judge Me Not #2)(105)

Kyle is seated at the table, dirty jean-clad legs kicked out in front of him. He’s smoking a blunt with another guy and a kind-of-pretty girl.

He laughs when he sees me. “Fucking Chase Gartner, I knew you’d come a-calling sooner or later.”

“Whatever,” I murmur before I take another long pull from the bottle in my hand.

“Welcome back, man,” Kyle says as he nods to the kind-of-pretty girl.

She passes me the blunt, and I don’t hesitate. I take a hit, hold, and then exhale slowly. And so it continues, we pass and smoke. It’s been so f*cking long that the weed hits me fast. I hand the blunt back to the girl and take another swig from the bottle.

I feel myself stumble.

Not literally, but I’m at the precipice in my mind, looking down, to where everything is black and empty, like I’m about to be.

The four of us sit around the table, talking about nothing, stupid shit that I forget a second later. I drink the rest of the vodka. Or maybe we shared it, like the blunt. I am not sure at the moment. All I know is that when I sit the empty bottle back on the table, Kyle stands up. He gestures for me to follow him. Without hesitation, I do.

Kyle and I go into the living room. It’s as crowded and hot as earlier, maybe more so now. We push and elbow our way through the throng of dancing bodies. When I sway to the right I notice there are two people f*cking on the couch. No one else pays them any heed. I watch for a minute, just for the f*ck of it. Kyle waits for me, laughing at my side.

“You want a turn?” he asks me.

The girl riding the guy glances over her shoulder at us. She winks at me, then turns back. Shit, it’s the spiky-haired blonde I talked to when I first came in. The guy whose dick she’s riding would have been me four years ago, but it won’t be me tonight. I tell Kyle as much and push him so he’ll move. He does.

We continue through the crowd until we reach a narrow staircase in the corner. I follow Kyle up the steps. We turn right at the top and go into a cramped bathroom I’ve been in so many times before. And the same scene from back then plays out now.

Sitting on the edge of the tub, Kyle chops up a rock of coke he’s taken from his pocket.

“This is new stuff, Gartner…pure, clean.” On a handheld mirror, he cuts lines. “You’re gonna love this shit, man.”

I have no doubt I will. Kyle rolls up a twenty and hands it to me, then places the mirror with the fat lines of coke on the countertop right the f*ck in front of me.

I hold the rolled-up bill in my fingers and stare down at my old vice. The white powder beckons, spread out and waiting for me like my own personal whore. I lean down over a line and place the rolled-up bill to my nostril. I close my eyes—

—and just then someone knocks.

I open my eyes, lower the bill, and straighten.

“Fucking occupied,” Kyle yells to whoever is knocking on the door.

The person leaves, but I don’t resume what I was doing. It hits me hard and fast that I don’t want to snort this line. I don’t need this shit anymore. Stress, anger, and frustration have led me here, because old habits are that f*cking easy to slide back into.

Shit, look at me. I am already drunk and high. But this is where it stops.

The hole in my heart that used to press me to use with abandon isn’t so open and gaping anymore. It’s not fixed, but it’s healing. The fissures and cracks have been filling with love from my girl. And she’s really all I need. It was a mistake to think she can’t handle me, she’s seen me more troubled than this. Case in point, the night she was accosted in the parking lot.

Fuck. I have to get out of here. I can’t be here a minute more. I want to go home, home to Kay.

I drop the twenty on to the grimy floor and walk away. Kyle yells out something, but I put my hand up, like I’m saying, “Shut the f*ck up and leave me alone.” And, actually, that’s exactly what I am saying.

Kyle doesn’t follow, not that I expect him to. He fears me, as he should.

When I get to my truck, I drop the keys on the ground. When I bend to pick them up everything spins. I am entirely too f*cked up to drive, it’s obvious to me, even in the state I’m in.

I turn on my phone, but hesitate to call my girl. I don’t want her anywhere near the debauchery down here. I figure it’s a hike, but I can walk to the church. Kay can pick me up there. That’ll give me time to calm down some too, maybe sober up a little. Right now I feel really high-strung, despite the booze and weed.

As I walk away from Kyle Tanner’s house, even in my wrecked state, I realize something. Tonight I may have stumbled, but I got right the f*ck back up. I stopped when it mattered. So maybe I have changed a little.

And that means there’s hope for me, after all.





Chapter Twenty


Kay


When I return to the farmhouse I’m surprised to find Chase and his brother have not yet returned from the airport. Full dark has fallen and more than enough time has passed to account for the return drive from Pittsburgh. I step out of my car and glance around. There’s definitely no truck in the driveway. And the house is dark, closed up tight.

I lean back against my car door and try to reason out what might be causing Chase and his brother to be delayed. I checked the flight status earlier and I know Will’s flight came in on time, so the only thing I can come up with is that Will was probably hungry and they stopped somewhere to grab a bite to eat.