I Stand Before You (Judge Me Not #2)(104)

I’m thinking my brother will say anything to get me to say yes to Cassie coming to Ohio with him. I can’t fully trust the kid—he’s already duped me with the borrowed money—so I say as gently as I can, “I don’t know about that, Will. You’re welcome to still fly out, but I think Cassie needs to stay in Nevada.”

“What about her stepdad?” Will asks frantically. “Am I just supposed to trust he’ll leave her alone while I’m across the country?”

“Will,” I begin, “your girlfriend really needs to talk to her mother about this guy.”

This is met with silence. I switch the phone to my other ear. “So, are you coming to Ohio, or staying there?”

“This is so f*cked up,” Will spits. “You wouldn’t leave your girl if she needed you. I know you wouldn’t.”

“That’s different.”

“The f*ck,” my brother explodes. “This is such bullshit. You’re as much of a hypocrite as Mom.”

The fist at my side clenches, and the hand holding the phone tightens. “That’s not f*cking true,” I grind out.

Will throws back, “Whatever, dude. All I know is every f*cking time I need someone they’re never there…including you. This is so typical. You may as well just be back in prison. You’re such a f*cking ass.”

My brother disconnects before I can respond. I know he’s just frustrated, but his words still f*ck with my mind. “Fuck this shit,” I mumble as I turn off my phone and stomp out of the baggage claim area and out to my truck.

All I really want to do is see my girl and tell her what has happened. She’ll make everything right, she settles me. But I’m too full of anger and venom to put this on sweet Kay. She has her own shit to deal with—she’s finally accepting that the night Sarah died was truly just an awful accident. She sure doesn’t need my family drama shit piled on top of that.

I leave the airport and hit the highway. It’s starting to get dark, but it doesn’t matter. The ride back to Ohio becomes a blur. My frustration, my stress, my anxiety, they all escalate with every f*cking mile I log. By the time I hit Harmony Creek all I want to do is stop these feelings, especially the one nagging at me, telling me I’ve once again f*cked things up with my brother. Not that the little shit should have even put me in that position. I may as well be back in prison…what a dick-thing to say. But the thing eating at me the most is what Will said about me being like our mother. Fuck that. I don’t treat my brother like a child, I don’t let him get away with shit, and I sure as f*ck don’t disappoint him. Shit. Or do I?

It hits me that maybe Will isn’t entirely off base. Maybe I am like Mom, in more ways than I care to admit. We’ve both battled addictions—gambling for her, drugs for me. And we’re both too easy on Will. Am I doomed no matter what I do? Is my path set?

Well, if that’s the case, then why bother? Why try so hard to be different?

I hit the gas, but I don’t head home, to my house, to where Kay and forgiveness await. Nope, I don’t deserve forgiveness tonight. In fact, all I crave is f*cking escape. So I drive straight to where I know oblivion can always be found. I head to a place where I’ll never be questioned for the mistakes I make, not by myself, or by others.

I drive to Kyle Tanner’s house.

One thing about Kyle’s place, in the past, there was a party every night. And it seems nothing has changed as I drive past the line of cars parked along the rutted side of the long gravel drive leading to the Tanner house of sin.

I find an empty spot up close to Kyle’s ramshackle house and park. In front of me is a car with steamed-up windows, rocking to and fro. I get out of my truck and chuckle as I walk past. Music is blaring from the dilapidated structure as I close in. A few guys are out in the yard, drinking, getting high. It’s just another night of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll at the Tanner abode.

I get a few “hey man” nods as I step up to the propped-open door. The greetings aren’t from anyone I know, but I nod back nonetheless before I step into the house. Inside, the air is thick and hot, reeking of dope and sweat. People are dancing to the raucous music, pressed together on the tiny living room floor.

It’s steaming hot out tonight, but it’s absolutely stifling in here. Some of the girls have stripped down to just bras and panties. This isn’t the junkie crowd that hangs out in the parking lot at Kay’s old apartment. No, these people are younger, some even underage. This is the youth of Harmony Creek, here to get wild and have a good time. For some this will be remembered as a blurred-out summer of rebellion, but for others this will mark their entry into a dead-end lifestyle. I know the outcome of the latter all too well. I’ve walked this path myself. But even the sick sense of déjà-vu that washes over me can’t make me turn around and leave. Instead, I ask a blonde walking by where I can find Kyle.

This girl is skinny, young. She has spiky hair, and she’s wearing short shorts and a distressed tank top. Her dilated eyes take me in as she slurs, “He’s in the kitchen, gorgeous.”

I start to walk away but she grabs my arm. “Hey, don’t go.” She tries to pull me to her, but I don’t budge. “Let’s dance,” she whines.

This girl is so f*cking spun that I feel a little high just looking at her.

She starts to take off her tank top and when I see she has nothing on underneath I walk away. Girl-so-spun has nothing I desire. On my way to the kitchen someone hands me a full bottle of vodka, unopened. What the hell, I crack the seal and take a long pull. I take another drink, then another, and another. By the time I walk into the kitchen, half the bottle is gone and I’m officially buzzed.