Hold My Breath(87)

“You’ve always been able to get that boy to do just about anything,” he says, his words trailing off with a soft laugh. “You know he didn’t even want to swim in the first place?”

I tilt my head to the side and scrunch my mouth. Duncan laughs out hard, his belly shaking as he throws his head back.

“He was fixin’ to quit, mostly just to piss my brother, his dad, off. Robert wanted swimming to be this great bond between his two boys, but he pushed them to compete against each other constantly—Will hated it. He was going to give it one last hoorah, come check out this new Swim Club his dad had heard about and see if maybe there would be something there that would make swimming fun again. Turns out…there was.”

His eyes settle on me, wrinkling at the corners with the soft curve of his mouth. My heart is beating so hard I can hear it echo inside my body; I can feel it pulse at my fingertips and toes.

“Go on…go get him. Go make sure he doesn’t regret anything, and get him to give swimming one last shot. You and I both know he was born to do it. I’ll get Tanya home, pack my things up and stay there for a little while…until we can decide what needs to happen next.”

My breath is coming hard and fast even though I haven’t moved in several minutes. My nerves are kicking me, begging me to go find him, but my mind still isn’t sure that I can say the right words to make Will believe that choosing himself—for just a little while—isn’t selfish.

I stand anyway, taking my keys in one hand and my wallet and phone in the other. I’m not sure where to find him, though there’s a voice in my head whispering that Will is where he always goes—where I would go.

“I don’t know what to say. If I find him, I’m just not sure how to begin.” My head falls against the door, my eyes looking down at my hand on the knob.

“You say please, Maddy. That’s all it’s going to take,” he says. “That’s all it ever does.”

I leave without turning around again, knowing that my reflexes will want to stay and help Tanya, too, if I look at her again. Duncan’s right. I’m the only one who can get through to Will, and Tanya was right to tell him. Will has so much to swim for, and I’m going to make sure every member of his family is there to watch every moment when he does.

I leave Tanya with Duncan and rush to my car. My tires kick up gravel, spinning freely as I leave the lot, the back end of my car fishtailing as I swerve onto the thankfully empty road. I don’t bother to go home and ditch my swimsuit. If my gut is right, I’ll need it.

I pass a few cars as I speed along the country highway, turning hard when I almost miss the turnoff for Peterson Lake. Will’s car comes into view quickly, so I pull up next to it, jump out and pick up a handful of rocks without hesitation.

“I should have known it was all too good to be true,” he says, not bothering to look over his shoulder. He knew I’d come.

I toss one of my rocks, and it skips six times. I smile and stop walking, marveling at something I’ve never been able to do before.

“Did you see that?” I ask.

He turns to look over his shoulder, lifting his mouth up on one side.

“I sure did,” he says, looking down and dropping the few stones left in his hand into the water. He bends down to wash his hands off, his feet splashing in the water as he walks back up the shore. I throw another rock, and Will follows its path from my hand. It sinks right away.

“Should have quit when you were ahead,” he says, pulling his lips in tight, his eyes on the ripple left behind.

“I’m not sure I like to hear you talk like that,” I say, letting the rest of my stones fall to my feet.

I step close to him, our toes almost touching, and I reach for his hand, taking the fingertips in my right, then reaching for his other hand with my left. Will threads our fingers together, bringing our tethered hands between us, linked.

“You know what went through my mind first? When I saw her…before she even said anything, but I knew…I just knew she was sick again.” he says. “You know what I thought?”

I shake my head no, and curl my fingers through his, squeezing, before meeting his eyes.

“I thought,” he stops to swallow, looking to the side briefly before coming back to me. “I just got Maddy, and now she’s going to leave.”

A short breath pushes through his nose and his eyes tilt in desperation.

“How awful am I? Tanya is dying, and she needs support—and there’s Dylan, and my uncle…he can’t do what I can do for them. But all I could think about when I was faced with that was how I would surely lose you,” he says, his eyes fighting to stay open on me.

“You’re not awful,” I say, moving closer, freeing my hands from his grip to wrap my arms around his body and press my face against his chest. “You underestimate me, but you’re not awful.”

I feel his chest sink as air escapes.

“You can’t say that now, Maddy. You can’t answer that—this—now. It hasn’t sunken in yet,” he says.

“It has,” I say. “And I can.”

I burrow into him more, and when I feel his chin fall on top of my head, I let myself believe that Duncan is right—that I can get Will to do anything. I also let myself believe that I am, in fact, prepared for all of the things I’m about to say I am. I’m not—I’m nowhere near prepared. But I know enough to know that walking away from Will would be far worse.