Here and Gone(33)

Audra set the warmed cup of milk on the coffee table and took a muslin cloth from the folded stack. She shook it loose, draped it over her arm.

‘She’s very upset,’ Patrick said.

‘I don’t give a—’

The back of Patrick’s hand rocked Audra’s head on her shoulders, left a hot ball of pain to swell inside her cheek. She staggered two steps to her left, her vision wavering, put her fingertips to the arm of the couch to keep herself upright.

Patrick stood still, blinking, his mouth tight and small.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, his lips barely moving. ‘I didn’t want to do that. I mean, I didn’t mean to. Please don’t be angry.’

Audra waited for the dizzy waves to abate, then she said, ‘I need to feed the baby.’

‘Sure,’ Patrick said. He shuffled his feet, put his hands back in his pockets. His eyes on the carpet, he left the room.

Audra sniffed hard, wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand. Then she went to the bassinet, lifted Sean out. So small, so delicate, like a rose whose petals would fall if you breathed on it too hard. His cries softened as he nuzzled the skin of her throat.

Try again, she thought.

She brought him to the couch and lay down on her side, opened her dressing gown, and guided his mouth to her breast. He squirmed there, his tiny feet kicking at her belly. She placed her nipple at his upper lip, and on cue, his mouth opened.

Please God, she thought. This time, please.

His mouth closed around her, drew her in.

‘Oh God,’ she said. ‘Please.’

No pain. Pressure, yes, but not the stinging pain she’d felt before. She watched as Sean’s jaw worked, up and down, his cheek filling out. Then a pause. Then a swallow.

‘Yes,’ Audra whispered. ‘That’s it, little man. That’s how you do it.’

Tears rolled across her cheek into her hair.

‘Good boy,’ she said.

Over the next hour, Sean drank his fill. Even when Audra turned to her other side, moved him to the other breast, he latched on again, kept suckling, and she giggled with joy, the heat from her husband’s hand forgotten.

When Sean was done, almost passed out from gorging, Audra poured the cup of expressed milk down the kitchen sink and brought her son to the bedroom. She swaddled him in a clean muslin cloth, and he barely stirred as she lowered him into the crib by her bed. The bedclothes swallowed her up, the pillow drawing her head down into its cool embrace. She closed her eyes and knew nothing until sunlight through the bedroom window touched her face.

Audra dragged herself upright, untangled her limbs from the sheets. She checked the clock by the bed: just past six in the morning. How long had she been asleep? Seven hours at least. She reached for the crib, looked inside, found it empty.

‘Sean?’

She had felt fear before in her life. Those times she hid from her father, hearing his heavy footsteps on the stairs as he came looking for her, his belt in his hand. Or the time she had gotten stuck on a climbing frame, couldn’t find a way down, and no one was around to help her. But this – this was different. This was a cold dagger in her chest, twisting at her core.

Audra threw the sheets off and ran for the door, her bare feet slapping on the varnished floorboards. She pulled the bedroom door open, out into the hall, calling her son’s name.

Margaret and Patrick looked up at her as she burst into the living room. Smiling. Why were they smiling?

Then she saw Sean in Margaret’s arms. The teat of a bottle in his mouth. His cheeks bulging as he sucked, exhaling from his nose after every swallow.

‘What is that?’ Audra asked, pointing.

‘It’s formula,’ Margaret said, her smile widening. ‘Look at him go. Such a hungry boy.’

‘Mom brought it over during the night,’ Patrick said as if it was a tremendous kindness. ‘It’s his second feed. He’s been belting it down.’

‘I couldn’t bear to hear him cry like that,’ Margaret said. ‘Not when there’s a Duane Reade right around the corner. Did you know you can get it ready-made now? In a carton? Just like orange juice.’

Audra’s hand went to her breast. She still felt her son there, the warmth of him.

‘Why did you do that?’ she asked.

‘It was no trouble,’ Margaret said. ‘Like I said, the drugstore’s right there, it’s so easy to make up. You just put it in the microwave and—’

‘Why did you do that?’

Sean flinched at the sound of her scream. The smiles left Patrick’s and Margaret’s faces. They stared up at her.

‘I want to feed him,’ Audra said.

‘If it means that much to you,’ Margaret said, taking the bottle from Sean’s mouth, holding it out to her. ‘Here, go ahead.’

‘No!’ Audra clutched at her breasts. ‘I want to feed him. Me.’

Margaret turned the corners of her lips down in distaste. ‘Really, I don’t see what’s wrong with—’

‘Give him to me,’ Audra said as she crossed the room, her hands outstretched.

Margaret stood and said, ‘All right. But remember, your baby’s health is more important than your pride.’

Audra took Sean from her, gathered him in close as he snuffled and mewled.